Why are we camping?

“Emily, honey what are we doing out here?” “We are camping,” came the reply. “We are what?” I asked in complete and utter disbelief.”We are camping sweety,” came her slightly condescending reply. She knows I hate nature. What the crap are we doing out here in the middle of nowhere? “Why are we going camping baby?” I even managed a smile as I asked the most obvious question of my life. She is grinning at me now, this can't be good. “We are camping because you said my SUV was, and I quote, absolutely and completely useless.” “Yes honey, I remember saying that.” “What does it have to do with camping?” “Well people who have SUVs go off roading right?” I nodded my head at this unable to come up with a coherent answer. “People who go off roading go camping right?” Again I nodded my head. What is she talking about? What does she know about camping and off roading.

After composing my thoughts and beating down the insane laughter I know would upset my newly acquired wife I was able to ask a few more important questions. “Honey, where did you get all of the camping gear?” “From E-bay,” came her quick reply.”Honey, baby, how did you know what to buy?” “I bought a book from Amazon.com.” “What book did you buy?” “Camping for dummies... duh.” I could not hold it anymore. The laugh exploded from my body propelled by a will of its own. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at my bright red face. “Sorry Emily, I just could not help myself.” “When was the last time you left L.A.?” She looked out the windshield of the BMW and was silent for a while. Finally after a few minutes of intense thought she spoke. “I don't think I have ever left L.A.” I just smiled at her. What a way to spend a weekend.

We arrived at the so called camp site about 5:00 Saturday evening. What are we supposed to do now I was wondering. Emily seemed to have everything planned perfectly. What was I going to do? I hope Emily remembered to bring some beer at least. “Emily, where is the beer.” “I did not bring any,” came the devastating reply. “What! No beer for the whole weekend?” This just keeps getting better and better. “The book did not say anything about bringing beer, but if you help me put up the tent I will make you something to eat.” What was I going to do? I helped her put up the tent.

Who designs these things. It is now about 7:30 and we just got the tent together. I think. It looks nothing like the picture but I was able to get the air mattress in there. It is the little successes that make life worth while, I thought to myself. Emily is over trying to put the stove together. This should be even more entertaining. “Emily, honey, do you need any help?” “No dear I am fine.” After a half an hour I started to get hungry so I walked over to find out when dinner would be ready. Emily was still struggling with the stove. She has three pieces it shouldn't be this hard. I looked at the pieces and the book she handed to me. “This is the bottom, this is the top, and I have no idea what this is,” she admitted. “The book says to put charcoal in the bottom, then spray some lighter fluid on it, then light the charcoal.” I asked her where the charcoal was. She replied,”I think it is in this cylinder, I just can't get it out” “Honey this cylinder says propane on it” “I don't think it is charcoal.” “I do not know.”

Just then I heard one of the most terrifying sounds ever. I will remember the howling for the rest of my life. They were suddenly everywhere. What was I going to do? They were on the BMW, in the BMW, one of them had a giant knife and was poking holes in our air mattress. “What is going on?” I screamed as loud as I could. All motion ceased. The one small terror was caught in mid thrust as the air mattress slowly exhaled it's last dying breath. Just then I heard the inevitable... A high pitched whiny little voice, “Kids, kids, where have you run off to now.” Then a sound in the bushes and the owner of both kids and voice appeared. She was a mousy little woman. I could not fathom how her body could produce so many children so quickly. There were five of the little rascals all together. “There you are, what kinda trouble you'all gettn into here?” “Git back to our tent NOW!” “HANK, HANK come help me with the youngins.” I was in awe the stove and dinner completely forgotten. Then a man wearing a greasy whit t-shirt with no sleeves comes out of the bushes carrying a twelve pack of beer. “Kids you heard your ma, get back to our side.” A chorus of “Yes Pa” was raised all around the BMW. “I am really sorry about the kids, offer you a couple of beers to make up for this?” Hank offered the twelve pack as he said this. “Thanks,” I said as he disappeared back through the bushes. Emily was still standing by the grill trying to figure out what just happened. I turned to her with a grin on my face, I now had beer so I figured everything was going to be okay. Just as I was taking a beer out of the box to hand to Emily a bold raccoon jumped out from under the BMW and ran off with my beer. I could not take it anymore. Emily and I got back into the SUV and we were at Trader Vics, with a drink in our hands, by 11:00.