Alone

She ran from the house, tears streaming down her face. Breath coming in ragged gasps, she ran to her car, wanting to get away. Away from everything. Life. Love. Pain. Hope. Fear. Everything. Her hand trembled as she put the key into the ignition and turned the motor over. Where was she going? She didn't know. Just away.

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand as she pulled out onto the street. As she drove she thought about her life. What had she done wrong? She knew she'd made mistakes but what was so wrong that this was her punishment? Loving so fiercely that she couldn't bear to be away from him. Wanting to be happy so badly she couldn't bare to see others be happy. Wanting to eat (eat! what a simple request) but not being able because of the pain she felt every time.

She turned on the blinker and turned onto a dirt road. She just wanted it to end. She wanted to stop hurting the people she loved. She glanced at the picture of her kids taped to the dashboard and the tears started again. She loved them so much she'd do anything to stop them from seeing their mommy the way she was. Broken. Emotionally, spiritually and physically.

'God has abandoned me,' she thought as she drove. 'Why doesn't he answer my pleas for help. Is God even real? Or is he a figment of an imagination thats afraid to die? I can't take this anymore.'

The disappointed image of her son flashed emblazoned in her mind. He had worked so hard to make her breakfast that morning. Burned toast with strawberry jelly, juice and a glass of milk. The images of that would never leave her mind. It looked awful but he had tried so very hard she couldn't not eat it. Not when he looked at her like he did, all wide eyed and proud. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the steering wheel.

She had nibbled off a corner of the toast, and sipped at the juice and milk, and said she was full. He knew she was lying. The look of pride left his small face and was replaced by sadness.

"Mommy how come you don't ever eat? Is my breakfast bad? Don't you like it?" he'd asked, his little voice trembling.

All she could do was look at him as tears started to flow. He started to cry thinking he'd done something wrong and ran from the room. Her husband just gave her a disgusted look and followed him to his room to try and comfort him. She got so angry with herself for hurting her son that she threw the plate and glasses across the room.

That was when she heard her daughter at the door. Slowly she turned her head and saw a look of terror on her daughters face that quickly melted into tears as she ran away, never saying a word. That look would be stuck in her mind forever. She just knew it.

She pulled up to the lake and parked. She sat staring out over the water through the light of her head lights as she thought.

Her husband had come back in about 20 minutes later and she still hadn't moved. She sat staring at the juice stains on the wall and the mess of toast on the floor. The shards of the glass glinted in the early morning sun that crept in through the partially open curtains.

"You know I love you," he had said. "But you have to stop this. You're hurting the kids now, not just me anymore."

"I know." was all she could say.

"I think you should see someone about this. Maybe there's medications they can help you with." he whispered, not even daring to look at her.

All she could do was stare at him. He knew she'd tried finding someone to help her. He knew she'd begged people to help. He also knew that without insurance or hundreds of dollars there was no one willing to help her.

"I've tried." she growled.

"Well maybe you need to try harder."

"Look at me! Do you think I LIKE being like this? Do you think I TRY to hurt you and the kids?"

"I don't know." he replied, looking at her so blankly that she actually flinched as though he'd hit her.

"I can't believe you said that." she whispered, tears threatening to spill over again.

He looked at her sadly and left the room. She heard him call the kids and tell them they were going to the park and out for ice cream. She heard her daughter ask if mommy was coming. He said no, mommy was too tired.

That one phrase crushed her heart completely. Why did he have to lie to them? Why couldn't he just have said "No mommy is sick"or "No, so sorry your mother is a friggin nut case that needs to be in a hospital"?

She lay back down and cried herself to sleep, wanting the sweet solace that sleep offered. When she slept she didn't hurt. She didn't hurt them either. It was a good place to be.

Around 5 PM she was awaken up by her husband shaking her. She looked at him sleepily but she still saw the disgust in his eyes.

"Have you been sleeping all day?" he grumbled at her.

"Yes." she whispered, averting her eyes from him.

"Unbelievable." he growled as he stood to leave the room. "Oh, if you care, your son fell off the slide today and broke his arm."

"What?!" she was bolt upright now and completely awake. "Why didn't you call?"

"I did. You were asleep again. You never answered."

"No you couldn't have. I'd have waken up." she insisted. "Where is he?"

"In his room lying down. They set it and gave him something for the pain. He's napping." her husband was still back to her.

Getting out of bed she pulled on a pair of jeans and threw on a t shirt. She started past him to go check on her son but he grabbed her arm.

"Let go of me," she growled through clenched teeth, trying to wriggle her arm free.

"He doesn't want to see you. He asked me not to tell you even because he didn't want you to be angry with him."

Her knees buckled and it felt as though the breath had been pulled from her lungs. "He doesn't want me? I'm his mother!" her eyes brimmed and threatened to shed more hot tears.

"Oh stop it. Can you blame him? You may be his mother but you are not his mommy. He doesn't have one of those." he let go of her arm and walked away, leaving her kneeling on the floor in tears.

How long she sat there she didn't know, but what brought her back to reality was the sound of her daughter walking away from the door.

"Honey, come here." she called after her.

Her daughter just turned and looked at her, confusion in her big brown eyes. "Mommy why do you cry all the time? How come you don't love us anymore?" she asked with all the innocence of a six year old.

"I do love you." she whispered through violent sobs.

"Then how come you don't want to be with us anymore?"

"Oh baby, I do. I never want to leave you guys."

"Then how come you sleep all the time and don't play with us? Why don't you eat lunch with us anymore? How come you get mad at us all the time?" her daughter whimpered. Tears starting to roll from her eyes, she ran down the hallway and out of sight.

'This is what has brought me here,' she thought as she stared at the water. 'What am I doing? Why am i not normal anymore? Why won't anyone help me?' She got out of the car and walked on the beach for a while, smoking cigarettes and kicking pebbles. As she walked she thought about all the councillors she'd seen to no avail. They all thought she had a "good handle on things". She snickered at that thought. 'The only thing I have a good handle on is not letting people see whats really wrong.'

One doctor had actually called her a "controlled anorexic". The mere concept was laughable. As he had said "You eat to live and thats all. Just enough to survive."

She already KNEW that. What she didn't know was WHY or how to stop it. He had turned her away after the initial consultation due to no insurance. 'Money is what makes it all work,' she thought. She flicked her spent cigarette butt into the water and watched as the red glow fizzled out. 'Maybe thats what I need.... to just fizzle out.' she pondered.

She looked up at the full moon hanging overhead and wondered why she was even still alive. It was obvious by now that God wasn't there. The kids would be better off without her there making them as nuts as she was. It was painfully obvious that her husband found her repulsive and would be better off without her there. Then he could find himself a normal woman to take care of him and the kids.

She looked out over the blackness of the lake. 'It would be so easy to end it all right now and make it easy for everyone else,' she thought. She stepped to the waters edge and looked down at the gentle lapping on the beach. 'So easy,' she thought. Just walk in and go under. Take in a mouthful of water and it's over. The solution is there.

She took a step forward. And another. She looked up at the moon again. It reminded her of a giant cats eye in a face of darkness. That was when she heard it. A small rustle in the leaves behind her. Her heart skipped a beat as she turned around. All she could see was the bushes. Nothing was there. No one would see her until tomorrow when it was to late. She started turning back to the lake and she heard it again. A small rustling sound in the bushes. She stared into the darkness still standing up to her ankles in her solace.

As she stared she saw a small movement out of the corner of her eye. She glanced toward the movement and saw him. She stood staring, mouth half open in a scream that never came. Her Grandfather stood in front of her, looking so sad it cut right through to her soul.

"What are you doing Kitten?" he asked quietly.

She tried to answer but her voice wouldn't work. She could just stand and stare at this phantom of her grandfather.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked, taking a step toward her. He reached out his hand to her and she reached for his. His hand was solid to her, and she grasped it tightly as he lead her from the water. He sat down at the picnic table and she sat next to him, eyes never leaving his face, still shocked that she was seeing him.

"Talk to me, I'm here now." he crooned as he placed a hand on her cheek. She crumbled at his touch and melted into his shoulder, tears and anguish rolling from her in violent sobs. He held her and stroked her hair, humming to her and rocking her until the tears subsided just like he had when she was a little girl. Like he had just days before he died.

"Kitten, please.. you don't want to be where I am yet.. you still have so much to do." he whispered.

"But they don't want me here Grampy. What else can I do? I can't stop hurting them."

"Do you want them to remember you as a quitter forever? They will you know. And that darling boy of yours will think its his fault."

"I hurt Grampy. I hurt bad and I want it to stop." she sobbed.

" I know kitten. I know. But it will stop soon. Just don't lose your faith and hold onto your family. Everything will be fine."

"How? I'm a mess. I don't know how to fix it. And don't tell me there's a God that will fix it, because if there is he hates me. He doesn't answer when I ask for help. You always said he would, but then you left and he hasn't helped me at all."

"You doubt there's anything out there? How else would I be here kitten?" her grandfather chided her but his face was so soft and gentle as it had always been. "There is something out there. I've seen it. I can't tell you what just that you aren't meant for it yet. You have a lot to do first."

The shock wearing off, she looked at her grandfather again, this time without the longing she'd felt since his death. "You're really here? I'm not imagining this am I?"

He chuckled. It sounded as merry as it always had. "No kitten. You're not imagining me. I'm here, I've always been here. I saw you this morning. I saw your son fall today. I saw your daughter cry. I've seen it all my dear. I'm so sorry that you've been hurting like this since I left, but I'm here now to tell you I'm always there."

"Then why haven't you come to me sooner? I've missed you so much." she snapped at him. Then she looked in his eyes and saw the same undying look of love there he had always had.

"I have, but you didn't want to see. I'm here to tell you to eat, love, live, and be happy. Its all over too quickly and you can't do it over. You not eating is killing you Kitten. You have to see that."

"I know.. but it hurts now Grampy. I can't"

"Yes you can. It hurts but it will get better." he said, squeezing her hand as he held it. "I'll be here with you. You may not always see me, but I'll be here. I promise you. But your husband and children need you. They can't do it without you. Now go back home. Put on dry socks and talk to your husband. He loves you so much.You don't need to shoulder this all alone. Let him help you. I know you love him too."

"But..."

"No buts young lady." he scolded, putting a finger to her lips. "Just do as I say."

Without a word they both stood and he hugged her tight. "I love you Kitten." he said and was gone. She stood there for a moment wondering if it had really happened or if she'd imagined it. At that moment a slight breeze blew up and she could smell him on it. His after shave and his body powder that he'd always used and she knew it had been real. Silently she turned and went to the car. Without realizing it she drove straight home and was sitting in her yard wondering why she didn't remember the ride home. She turned off the car and got out just as her husband came to the door and stepped out.

"Where were you? I was so worried baby." he sighed with relief as he came to her and scooped her up into a strong embrace. "Don't you ever do that again. I couldn't live without you!" There were tears in his eyes and it made her feel a swell of love and hope for tomorrow. "I'm sorry baby, I was so mean. I don't..." she placed a finger over his lips.

She smiled weakly at him. " Shhh. Lets go in, I need dry socks and a cup of tea. I'll tell you everything." she whispered, allowing him to carry her inside. She glanced over his shoulder at the moon and could have sworn she saw a woman's face there smiling at her and the smell of her grandfather wafted by her again. She knew he had been right. This was the beginning of the end of her suffering. She could heal now and this man she loved would help her through it. 'Tomorrow,' she thought as the screen door swung shut, 'I will play with my kids and take them to lunch.'