Samus's Birthday

<The scene opens with Samus standing on her front door step (she is not wearing her power suit)>
<Guests start to arrive in their respectable means of transportation>
<Captain Falcon and Fox arrive in spaceships>
<Two Pokéballs roll in and Pikachu and Jigglypuff come out>
<Kirby flies in on a miniature star>
<Two pipes pop out of the ground; Mario jumps out of one in his usual way>
Mario: Here we are! … <Pauses> … <Looks over shoulder at the other pipe> … uh-oh.
<Luigi is stuck in the other pipe with his arms waving>
Luigi: I’m-a stuck!
Mario: Oh, Luigi!
<Guests that already have come and Samus try to pull Luigi out>
Mario: One, two, and, pull!
<Samus and guests tug on Luigi’s flailing arms>
<The sides of the pipe shatter and Luigi comes flying out>
Luigi: WAAHHH!! <Hits the ground twenty feet back>
<Loud whistling from above>
Captain Falcon: Incoming!
<All hit the ground and duck>
Somebody unknown at the moment: Wahahhh! (In Japanese accent)
<Ground explodes, a large crater with sonic boom appears. Dust clears, and Ness is down in the crater. He gets up, dusts himself off, but still is burnt-looking>
Ness: Uh… <Dazed> the genius has landed! Samus, I’ll pay for the damage…
<An egg and a barrel come speeding down the road; Yoshi and DK break out. DK beats his chest>
Yoshi: Yoshi! <Looks very excited>
<Link rides in on Epona>
Link: The Hero of Time has arrived! Whoa!
<Epona rears and Link fall off; Epona rides off>
Link: Hey! Get back here! Oh well… Uh, Samus? Looks like I’m stuck here for tonight.
Samus: <Rolls eyes> Oh boy… Ok, now that everyone’s here, let’s start the party! <Everyone agrees> First, the presents!
<Samus sits down at a picnic table in her backyard and turns to a large stack of presents. She first grabs Captain Falcon’s present and opens it>
Samus: Uh… thank you, Captain Falcon for the lovely flowered… um… apron.
Captain Falcon: You’re welcome! I made it myself <smiles wide>
<Samus opens Yoshi’s present next>
Samus: Oh, what a cute little egg! Huh?
<Egg cracks and a baby Yoshi pops out>
Samus: How sweet! Thank you, Yoshi! <Gives Yoshi a kiss, Yoshi blushes> Let’s see… I know! I’ll call him “Pinky!”
<The blue infant gives an awkward look at Samus>
Fox: I dunno… I think the name “Turquoise” fits him better. <The baby nods energetically>
Samus: Ok, as long as he likes it. All right, Turquoise it is, then! <Smiles>
<Samus now opens DK’s present>
Samus: Oh, of course. Bananas… Thank you, Donkey Kong.
<The big ape grunts appreciatively>
<Samus opens Fox’s present>
Samus: Wow! A fur coat! It’s beautiful! <Hugs the coat for a second, then pauses> Wait a minute… why would you buy something expensive like this for me?
Fox: <A little embarrassed> Uh, well… do you happen to know the word… “Shedding”?
<Samus stares at him>
Samus: Ok… <Puts the coat back in the box> I think I’ll wait until winter to wear this… <Pushes box away and shudders>
<Jigglypuff and Kirby walk up to Samus>
Jigglypuff: Well, Kirby and I baked a cake for you, and we were gonna give it to you. But on the way here, somebody <Jabs Kirby in the side> got a little hungry.
Kirby: Hey, I hadn’t eaten anything for hours!
Jigglypuff: Anyway, Kirby burped up a sock when we got here; it’s the only thing left of the cake. <Hands the sock over and shoots a glare at Kirby>
Samus: Well, uh, thanks. Too bad we couldn’t have eaten the cake. <With a disgusted look, drops sock in the pile of gifts and then chooses Luigi’s present>
Samus: Oh, a book. <Reads the title> A Book to Expand On: An autobiography by Luigi Mario. Hmmm…
Luigi: I wrote it myself. With a typewriter. <Luigi flashes back>
Luigi: <Is typing at a typewriter, saying the words slowly as he writes them out> and… that’s… why… <A pudgy finger smashes yet another key> oh, fudge! <End of flashback>
Samus: Uhh… thanks, Luigi. I’ll read it later…
<Samus opens Mario’s gift>
Samus: What the… <Holds up a pair of pink frilly underwear. Samus fumes and socks Mario in the jaw>
Mario: <Holds his sore face, sounds hurt> Oh! <Then, suave> Oh, ho ho…
<Samus resumes opening presents, opens Pikachu’s gift. Holds up a mouse pad with Pikachu’s face printed on it>
Samus: Oh, I get the joke. Haa haa… <Everybody else laughs sparsely, except for Capt. Fal.>
Capt. Fal.: Huh? I don’t get it…
Samus: Nice to see that fame hadn’t expanded your ego any Pikachu. Well, which present is next… <Starts opening Link’s present>
<As everybody watches, Samus peers into the box, and a distraught look crosses her face. She slams the box shut, and chucks it over to a vacant area of grass. The box explodes, destroying all the grass in ten-foot distance>
Link: (confused) What, don’t you like Bomb-chus?
<Samus stares at Link with a bewildered look>
Link: Well, I thought it was cute, I even took the time to dress it up in a cute pink dress with matching bow…
<Pink strips of cloth float down with still-red ashes and cinders, smoke rises from the burnt circle>
Capt. Fal.: AH! I get it! Pikachu is a rat, and it was a mouse-pad! I get it! That is so funny! <Starts laughing like crazy while everybody looks at him strangely>
Samus: <Still shaken> Well, if that’s all the presents…
Ness: Wait! <Runs up> don’t forget mine!
<Hands Samus a strange tool with bristled plastic at one end, and a hole in the handle for something to be inserted>
Samus: <confused> What is this thing?
Ness: *sigh* Can’t you tell? It’s a hydrolyzed-legume-powered-enamel-and-plaquius ickius-remover. <Looks around at clueless faces> A toothbrush. And it runs on peanuts!
<Stuffs a peanut into the handle and presses a button, the bristles spin for a few seconds, then shuts off>
Ness: Uhh… the trick is, you have to keep feeding it peanuts while you brush your teeth. <Hands Samus toothbrush and bucket of peanuts> Work with it.
Samus: Ooooooooookaaaaaaay. Well, now that that’s everything, let’s eat cake! <Everyone looks very hungry>
Capt. Fal.: <Eyes light up> I’ll go get it! <Runs off>
<Couple minutes pass, then a large cake wheels in by itself>
Samus: Uh, why does the top of the cake look like it’s open…?!?
<Capt. Fal. pops half-way out of top of cake, in traditional Mexican attire, complete with sombrero and castanets>
Capt. Fal.: Happy birth, day, to you! Cha-cha-cha! Happy birth, day-
Samus: AAAAAAHHH!! <Shoves Capt. Fal. back into cake, and pushes fake cake top off the cake>
<Cake top with Capt. Fal. in it fall to ground, starts to roll down slight slope of Samus’s backyard>
Capt. Fal.: Ahhh! <everytime he hits a rock> Ow! Eeep! Yow! <Finally hits large rock at bottom, cake top busts open>
Capt. Fal.: Owww… <Crawls up slope to see everybody eating cake> That wasn’t nice, Samus! You could have at least waited for me!
Samus: Oh, sorry. <Puts on a sweet face> Would you like some cake, Captain Falcon?
Capt. Fal.: Thanks, I’ll get it myself.
<Walks over to cake, and sees a hole tunnelled through the cake. Peers inside hole, eyes widen. Gets up>
Capt. Fal.: SAMUS!
Samus: What?
Capt. Fal.: Keep track of your presents! <Digs arm into cake, pulls out a small figure covered in icing>
Samus: Turquoise! <Runs over and grabs the yoshi> You shouldn’t eat stuff like that! You’re not old enough! Grabs a napkin, cleans up Turquoise. Goes inside and grabs applesauce from the refrigerator> Here, eat this.
<Tries to feed him, he won’t open his mouth>
Samus: Here comes the plane! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…!
<Still nothing>
<Samus tickles him on the belly. When he goes to laugh, Samus shoves the spoon in his mouth>
Samus: See? It’s good!
<Turquoise chews reluctantly and swallows>
Samus: Great! Let’s do my favorite part now, the piñata!
Mario: <Surprised> Piñata? <nudges Capt. Fal.> Captain Falcon, you did remember to get the piñata, didn’t you?
Capt. Fal: Uh, yeah… I just have to… go over there… to get it…
<Walks a couple feet away from the party, looks and scans the party>
<Camera goes to Capt. Fal.’s view. Pans around the party, with sonar beeps. Ness analysing the icing on the cake… Link, stops eating for a moment, stares in fascination at his fork… An applesauce jar, a tail peeking out of the top as applesauce flies in all directions… Pikachu, sitting at the table, happily enjoying a piece of cake… Fox, taking aim at a target with his gun- screen halts, flies back to Pikachu. Zooms in, alarms go off>
Capt. Fal.: There! <Points at Pikachu>
Pikachu: <Looks up> Pika?
Mario: Yes! <Grabs Pikachu by tail and carries it that way> Let’s go break open the piñata!
<Everybody cheers, Pikachu looks frightened>
Pikachu: Pika pika!!!
<Show cuts, screen goes to white with text, read aloud by an announcer>
Announcer: We have just been sued by the “Rats and Other Electrical Vermin Association”, demanding that we change the segment concerning the piñata. We have “corrected” the cartoon to refrain using Pikachu as a piñata. Thank you for your cooperation.
<Show resumes>
<Link is hung by the boot, Samus with blindfold is whacking him with a stick>
Link: Ow, hey! Watch where you are swinging that thing! Stop it!
<Show cuts again, text reappears>
Announcer: <Annoyed> The “Guild of Elves and Other Long-eared Folk That Inhabit Hyrule” has just sued us, demanding that we change the segment concerning the piñata. We have “corrected” the cartoon…again…to refrain using Link as a piñata. Thank you again for your cooperation.
<Show resumes>
<Luigi is hung by the suspenders, face down, as everybody is whacking him with sticks, wearing blindfolds>
Luigi: <Shielding his face> Ow, that hurts! Owie, owie! <Looks up> Uh-oh… Hey, guys? I think the rope is going to-
<Rope snaps, Luigi falls flat on everybody>
<Show cuts a third time, text appears again>
Announcer: <Extremely annoyed> We were just sued by the “Plumbers’ Union of Italy”, demanding we change the clip concerning the piñata. We regret to inform you that we have given up on correcting this scene. We have resorted to showing a clip of Captain Falcon dancing with a fan. And now, Captain Falcon, dancing, with a fan.
<Clip starts>
<Capt. Fal. does a little dance to the beat of a drum, when finished, thrusts fan toward camera>
Capt. Fal.: <Loud whisper> Whaaa!
<Clip ends, text appears>
Announcer: Now back to our regularly scheduled program.
<Show resumes>
<Pikachu is sitting on ground, looks dazed and beaten-up>
Pikachu: <Wearily> Pika pika…
Link: You’re a good sport, Pikachu. Sorry we had to do that to you though.
<Time passes quickly, sky darkens, bonfire is lit>
Mario: Hey, let’s tell ghost stories!
<Everyone shares stories>
Mario: …And when Timmy looked for the nice old lady, she wasn’t there… The End!
Luigi: Ha! That is not scary! I’ll tell you scary!
<Everyone leans in close when Luigi tells his story>
Luigi: <In spooky voice> Late at midnight, I walked down the stairs… and that was a job within itself! I walked through the hall… into the kitchen… I opened the refrigerator, and found that ALL THE FUDGY BROWNIE CAKES WERE GONE! AHHHHHH! <starts screaming as everybody stares at him blankly>
Samus: …Uh, that’s not scary…
Luigi: <Stops screaming> Yes it is!
Mario: No, it isn’t, cuz that’s not the scary part…
Link: What is then?
Mario: <Leans close> The scary part is… seeing Luigi that late at night in his pajamas!
<Everybody starts screaming for a full minute, Luigi puts on a scowl>
Luigi: Mario, that is plain rude! It wasn’t funny!
Samus: Okay, okay, I got a good one… do you know that my house is haunted?
Mario: What? That isn’t true!
<Turquoise is playing with Samus’s energy blaster in background as Samus tells her story>
Samus: Well, a long time ago, this house was built on an ancient Indian burial ground… except the bodies were never removed! The souls of the people still wander in darkness, punishing anyone who speaks ill of their existence!
Link: <Scoffs> Ha! That’s bull! You know that stupid ghosts aren’t harmless at all! I mean, I kill tons of them, poes that is, and I’ve never had any trouble! You are just lying with all that mumbo-jumbo, there is no such thing as dangerous ghosts-
<Link is hit by large ball of blue light, hits the ground unconscious, face down into the ground>
Mario: AAAAAAHHHH! HE HAS ANGERED THE INDIAN SPIRITS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
<Everybody except Samus and Turquoise screams and runs into the darkness>
<Samus walks over to the table with Turquoise>
Samus: I must say, that was impeccable timing, Turquoise, you should be proud of yourself… by the way, how did you get into my equipment?
<Turquoise throws smoking shooter to the side and smiles innocently>
Later…
<Samus and Turquoise sit around the fire, roasting marshmallows>
Samus: Well, that was fun, don’t you agree?
<Samus holds up Mario’s present, gives it another disgusted look, and tosses it into the fire>
Samus: Well, time to go to bed now. It is way past your bedtime…
<Turquoise sticks his tongue out at her>
<Samus grabs him and goes to the back door of her house. Opens the door, pauses, and turns back>
Samus: Good night, Link!
<Goes through door and shuts it behind her>
<Link is seen still lying facedown in the grass>
<Show ends>