Dear Sophia, A Father's memoir 4&5

4
LOSS

When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; When health is lost, something is lost; When character is lost, all is lost! --Motto



Curried Pork over Rice with Vegetable Relish

1 lb. of boneless pork cutlets
3 tbs. of curry powder
2 tsp. of sea salt
2 tsp. black coarsely ground pepper
1 green pepper diced
1 small onion diced
1 cup basmati rice

Relish
1 cucumber, 1 jalapeno pepper, 1 small tomato, 1 clove garlic, olive oil.

Start by making the relish. Skin and cut cucumber in half, with a spoon remove all cucumber seeds, julienne the cucumber halves and then dice. Finely chop the garlic and jalapeno peppers and tomatoes. Add all of the ingredients to a bowl and pour in extra virgin olive oil (about 2 tbs.) Add sea salt and pepper to taste, mix well set aside at room temperature.

Heat about 3 tbs. of olive oil in a skillet over medium high heat, then cut the pork into 1/2 cubes. Generously coat in curry powder, salt and pepper. Fry the pork about 3 minutes add diced onion and green pepper and continue to fry for another 5-10 minutes turning often. Serve over basmati rice with vegetable relish on top.



Dear Sophia,

Enclosed you will find a quick and delicious meal your Mother and I loved! Although it's a bit spicy with the jalapeno and curry, the combinations of flavors are fantastic with the cucumbers compensating the hot peppers nicely. It's easy to prepare and adds a bit of variety to everyday meals, I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.


If you are like most people Sophia you will feel the first real loss of life when one of your grandparents passes on. That's how death introduced itself to me. It was 1973 and I was 10-years-old and my grandmother(my mom's mother) died, an event that has vividly stayed with me for a long time. Up until this time I had never known anyone who died, nor had I ever seen a dead person for that matter. My grandmother had been ill for some time with what would now be described as Alzheimer's symptoms, though at the time it was diagnosed as dementia. My mother and her siblings had all been taking turns for several years going to her parents apartment northeast of Philadelphia once a week to help out my grandfather with caring for my grandmother. I remember very well the trips every Wednesday with my mom and two younger brothers as we made our way up I-95 to care for her mom. These trips were a real change for us, for starters Mom was driving, something Dad always did on such "long" journeys. Still it gave me time with my mother to talk about things that we either didn't have time for or just wouldn't normally discuss. The days were hot that summer, and I remember my mom would get to work immediately upon arriving bathing her Mother, cleaning soiled sheets, straightening the kitchen up. In retrospect I can only imagine how painful this had to have been, to see your once proud and beautiful mother reduced to an almost childlike state. Of course this was coupled with the realization of her father's frailties as well and his inability to care for her the way she needed to be cared for. This too was a loss, though I did not see it as such through my 10 year old point of view.


Walking next to my mother behind my grandmother's casket as it was lead by a procession of priests, altar boys, her numerous adult children, grandchildren and friends is something I will always remember. The finality of the moment hit me very hard, and I was crying inconsolably. This wasn't so much for the actual person my grandmother was, because actually I never really got to know her that well. I believe my grief was a result of my mother's loss, as I saw for the first time that my "mom" was also a "child" and she too had a mother, and now she was without one. The whole sense of that loss was the first realization that I was no longer cloaked in the naivety of childhood, life was here to shake me awake to it's sometimes painful and often harsh realities that nothing is forever and people die, even my Mom one day.


Of course Sophia if you're reading this as an adult you no doubt have already felt the sting of such a loss. Most likely you've felt that loss through a passing family member or friend. Still you may have felt in a different way such as through the loss of a beloved friendship or even someone's trust. As I said, no heart will avoid loss neither physical nor emotional; this is a part of life and it is the very essence of maturing emotionally and spiritually. If you've never had your heart broken how then will you ever relate to someone who has? This is equally true with the loss of a loved one, these losses are what grow us into complete people. Certainly for your sake as my daughter I hope your losses in life are minimal. I suspect by the time you've read this you will have already experienced this. In doing so you'll know that we all feel loss in our hearts and our lives, what matters most is how we process it and move forward.


As of this today I'm really feeling my losses. Today is August 23rd 2004, and today is the seventh anniversary of my marriage to your mami. Your mami and I were married in Fort Lauderdale, Florida on a typical steamy August night. Friends and family had converged from as far as Philadelphia and South America to celebrate our marriage on short notice. The way we looked at it was that whoever was there really wanted to be, as they would have had to make plans quickly. It was an interesting mix of cultures and personalities, which in of itself was symbolic of our own relationship. Your mother and I were married aboard a rented yacht with a beautiful sunset as a backdrop before 130 friends and family members. Mami cried when they got to the vows and try as I did not to; I cried too. There weren't many dry faces on board as most all of the people on board shed tears of joy too. It was really beautiful Sophia, the sunset, the water the pastel sky - you would have really appreciated the beauty of the sky that wonderful night. It's funny because you must have watched our wedding video one hundred times already, you even try to get your girlfriends to watch it as if it's a Disney video. I remember the moment so well. There are but a few moments that will permanently lock in your memory, moments where you can recall right down to the last detail. This moment for me was just that type of moment. When your mami cried, and I shed a tear, we both looked at each other while the Captain who was marrying us allowed us a moment of composure. Then just as quickly, your mami realized how nervous she was she began to laugh, that soon had everyone laughing. It was a rare moment of beautiful emotion when people are laughing through their tears. It's like a sun shower when it's raining though the sun, I love it when that happens.

In my rare moments of self-pity I've allowed myself to try and construct my future from the vantage point of where I now sit. It isn't easy, and the thought is often a bit depressing. I could never have imagined seven years ago on that sunny summer evening that my marriage to the woman I cherished so dearly would dissipate into such a painful and sad loss. The loss I feel is more for the loss of you my daughter, and the innocence for the future that will now be forever altered. My preference would have been to see you grow with two parents surrounded by the love that you yourself so unselfishly give, given back to you by our always being with you. Still I know, that even though this marriage is lost, the love your mother and I have for you is not. We have been blessed by an incredibly loving child in you, and you are the very essence of that love, constantly expressing itself in word and deed. Luckily my nature doesn't allow me time to dwell on the negative aspects of losing my soul mate, my friend and ultimately my wife. I quickly rein in my wandering mind back to the here and now and begin to imagine a new life for you and me. These are happy thoughts that center on what your bedroom will look like, should I buy bunk beds or a single bed, and what type of computer I will need for your studies. These thoughts help restore hope and promise to the insanity of this divorce and divisiveness. I am then able to accept my loss on a more analytical level and I realize I've actually been alone emotionally speaking anyway, so it's really just a matter of making the final separation.


The loss I feel is obviously more than just a physical loss as I ultimately begin to accept and endure your mother's decision. Even though on a smaller level I know I've lost a part of her that for now shows no sign of coming back. This is the carefree woman with the confident and vivacious soul, the one I met 10 years ago. Of course she and I also stand to lose much more than each other, we lose each other's friends and family. For me personally I admit that I do not lament the loss of her family, as I've long felt I was always giving more than the relationships gave, at least emotionally speaking. In many ways I had already lost them two years ago anyway, when my pleas for help went unanswered and they backed your mother's divorce idea. Speaking for your mother, I believe she loses a bit more when it comes to her losses of family relationships. Through the years she had formed a solid bond to my mother, your Nana. They had a relationship built on respect and cemented by love, which in hindsight is the type of relationship that was never granted to her by her own parents. Of course my brother's are also upset by this loss, not only have they lost a brother to Florida, they also feel the pain of my personal loss so far away from them. As my brothers have monitored the situation, they as my family have drawn opinions and "circled the wagons" yet they never denied your mami the love and support and continually tried reach out and help her when no one in her family would.


Your mother's extended family and friends, many of who have made their own assumptions regarding e will fade away, never really knowing the truth of what really caused this marriage to break up. I imagine many of these family members would have wanted to know the real facts surrounding this, as I was much admired and loved by many of your mami's uncles and cousins. Your mother, since confronting her father over a year ago has steadily been losing her sense of self. In this I mean she is no longer able stand up to him and demand an apology. This is mainly due to the fact that the very family she adores and looks to for support have all turned their backs on her reality. Instead they have all chose to ignore the elephant in the living room, in order to not upset the fragile balance that props up her family's throne of untruths. Unfortunately the truth is out, and I know it is only a matter of time until all of this catches up to them. So the greatest and most painful sense of loss I feel is for your mother. I want you to know Sophia that through all that transpired I always offered your mami a way out, telling her throughout this ordeal it was never too late to stop this so long as she was willing to make changes. By that I meant she and I had to put a healthy distance between us and her family, so long as she would do this I would do whatever was necessary to save her and our marriage. She knew this, by now she was convinced her marriage was the problem, I on the other hand was able to see that yes our marriage was in deep trouble but it wasn't the problem. Our marriage was a symptom of the real problem, the one everyone but me was unwilling to confront so I, and my marriage became the fall guy to the abuser. I know that whether she will admit it or not; the person she really is underneath all of this pain and humiliation is not the one who wants this divorce. She is trying to regain something in her life, this is something that was not lost, but rather stolen and maybe, though I think not, will never be found again.


Someday soon when you're older I'll sit with you and I know I will have to answer as honestly as possible the many tough questions you will have. I've said as much to your mami too, because I know as a man I now ask these questions of my own parents. And you will have questions, it's natural. Even though I know you will rebound from this life change, I am equally cognizant to the fact that your most formative memories are already ingrained into your memory, and they will include both of your parents just as mine did. Your loss is not to be marginalized, yet if there was a time for you to have to experience this loss I suspect it would be best experienced now. You will recover from this loss I know; joy will return and replace the emptiness and sadness, as the passage of time really does heal all. Just remember this Sophia, your pain is my pain, your joys are my joys, and your loss will always be my loss too. I am the one person you will never lose, on this you can be certain. I will be your constant in an ever changing world, I will not allow the love to ever leave you, nor will I allow the actions of others to alter that love. I love you.

Love, Papi




PARENTHOOD


There is always a moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.
-Graham Green


Papi's Jumbo Burger


1/2 pound fresh ground beef (not frozen)
season with sea salt and coarse black pepper
Tbs. of Olive oil.
1 fresh avocado (Haas)
1 ripe beefsteak tomato


Pre heat a skillet on medium high, add olive oil and let stand for a minute. Add the beef patty and cook to desired doneness. Have avocado prepared ahead of time by slicing length wise, and a thick (1/2) slice of tomato the size of the patty. Place a layer of avocado, then the tomato, drizzle virgin olive oil and season. Serve with either hot sauce or catsup on the side.


Dear Sophia,

This was just a simple and delicious meal your mami and I would make when we couldn't be fussed with cooking. It really isn't anything difficult or special, it's just a good old-fashioned burger. The difference here is we've dispensed with the roll and added a few tweaks to the equation. The avocado combined with the tomato make a really fresh impression on top of this papi burger. Trust me on this one- you'll love this especially with a little drizzle of olive oil on top.


I briefly touched on my own childhood and the significance yours too will have one day you when you become an adult. I wanted to share a bit more about this with you. The wonderfully refreshing part about being a parent is that you can kind of relive your childhood over in the discovery and wonder of your own child. Notice I've said kind of, mainly because there is a fine line between "kind of" reliving and actually "reliving" your childhood. Often times people will make the mistake of encouraging their children to be the person they had always wanted to be themselves, something that in my opinion is the worst thing you can do to undermine a child's future.


A child's life is much like a sailboat. You can steer it into the wind and affect it's course, you can lower the sail when a storm is on the horizon, and you can even take the boat into safe harbor during times of danger. Your child's life like a sailboat, can only be steered. You cannot control the winds of change, as such your child's life will often be at the mercy of external forces. It is at these times you must trust the boat's construction and believe in the sailor's skill to ride out safely the "storms" of life. This is equally true when trying to harness the favorable winds of life to sail into life's opportunities. The point is your child is the sailor, and his values, morals and character are the boat. If you as a parent make sure to build the boat strong your child will have the capacity to ride out the storms later, and the wisdom to steer into the good currents that will eventually take them to better places in their life. As a parent you must not try to be the boat, the wind, or more importantly the sailor, you must teach them well and have faith that all the lessons you've instilled will carry them through the many changes in their life. You as the parent are much like the life raft, you are only to be called upon sparingly, though the child will always know in times of trouble you are available and close by.


These are the lessons and values that I have learned and I make no excuse or apology for. I as your father have never and will never make my decisions on what other parents do. Each child is unique unto itself, and there is no broad brush of parenting that will work for all children. You have to get to know your child, not so much as a friend but rather a parent. A parent who knows their child's capacities, fears, likes and dislikes and how to bring out the potential in that child. I as a father could not be more proud or grateful for the grace of which I've been given in having you as my daughter. I say this specifically because you are such a good little girl, you are kind, polite and full of wonder. Last night you and I went to meet your teacher and discuss curriculum, something that wasn't really for students but you the lover of learning that you are wanted to go so I took you. The only condition was that you be quiet and let papi hear what the teacher had to say. There are few things better in life than hearing that your child is excelling in school and is a positive example to other students. The pride with which your teacher spoke of you last night reaffirms all that your mami and I do, whether it be the trips to the library or just reading books to you before bed time.


I cannot speak for others, but I can tell you Sophia that parenthood in general, and fatherhood specifically, is something I love. I love watching you grow, I love helping you learn, and even more I love just being with you. You were always a child full of love right from the start, an obvious sign that your mother and I knew what we were doing I guess. I'm reminded of just this past Father's Day where you showed me such extraordinary love for a five year old as you bound into my room at 7 am sharp, jumped up onto the bed with your little homemade card and announced you were doing what ever I did all day. And you meant it too. My day started with a pancake breakfast, then we went to the pool and the beach. Following a swim in the ocean we came home and had dinner, this was followed by watching TV together (your shows of course). All of this, and you were never away from me for more than 5 minutes, what a tribute to have such a daughter!


Of course parenthood is much more than one good day or a few nice memories, it is the daily commitment you make to shape and guide the life of the child you've been blessed with, for better or for worse. In this department I feel as though I was well prepared for the job. As is often the case we learn more from what we see in life than what we're told. In that vain I learned a great deal from the parents I had, they were firm when they needed to be, and above all else they were fair. Considering my parents had five sons I would say they were downright nice, resorting very rarely to violence, and even then it would be a token slap to the rear end. Though I can remember a few lightning quick backhands from my mom on occasion. This was a lot less than what many of my contemporaries were receiving for getting into trouble, so for this I was grateful. Parenting is as much an experiment as it is a science, the people who get it right are usually the ones who most remember what it is to be a kid and who also have the ability to adjust on the fly. I believe I had just those parents, the kind that sweat the small stuff less and less, as the younger ones matured. I guess the rationale being they had already seen it and done it, so it was never as shocking twice.


Still, through it all, I have to give my parents all the credit. None of their sons fathered any children out of wedlock, none of us got hooked on drugs, we all knew what was and wasn't acceptable. I am constantly self evaluating myself asking if I'm "getting it right" because I feel I don't have the luxury to experiment with you, you're my only child and I take my responsibility to you that seriously. I learned from my own upbringing the single most important aspect of parenting is consistency -- period. Not discipline, not screaming, just plain old consistency. You have to create a routine for a child, and then let them know what their expected part of the deal is. I try very hard at this now, though often times my idea of responsible child rearing is at total odds with your Mother's ideas, mainly due to the fact that she didn't have a "normal" childhood, at least as most people would define it anyway. Most children are not raised by nanny's and left for weeks on end while their parents travel, this isn't to say that this was your mother's fault, on the contrary, this is just one more area where her parents short changed her.


Often times when thinking about child rearing and the importance of doing a good job I think of an excellent quote the late Jackie Kennedy made with regard to raising children. "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much". That to me really sums it all up. Essentially it will matter very little how nice your house or car is, if you're not a good parent that will show brighter and longer than any accomplishment or possession. Sophia, I try as hard as I do because you're the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me, and being your Papi is the greatest thing I could be called.



Love, Papi