I Don't Like What You Are Doing

I Don't Like What You Are Doing
Written by: "Whispering_Thoughts"

As I sat across from my husband at the table in the restaurant, I realized how far apart we have grown. Or is it that we were never compatible to begin with? Two people coexisting with each other for the sake of their precious daughter. The conversation lagged as we sat waiting for the server. The menus were a good diversion.

I looked around the dining room and envied the couples who seemed to be enjoying each other. The booth nearby was decorated with flowers and candles, two lovers smiling at each other, deep in conversation. At another table, an elderly couple sharing a dessert with two spoons seemed to be still very much in love. How I wish I had that, I thought.

Why didn't I listen to my inner voice ten years ago before agreeing to marry him? I had my doubts about whether or not he was the right one for me. At age thirty four, I was eager to start a family and here was this "great guy" who was in love with me, had some wonderful qualities and seemed to have potential. That is the key word, I think. Potential. I have learned that you cannot change a person into someone or something they are not. You can't make yourself fall in love. It's either there or it isn't. Unfortunately, this life lesson will bring with it a great deal of pain in the months ahead.

I mustered up the courage and said to my husband, "I don't like what you are doing."

His eyes seemed surprised and his question was defensive. "What am I doing?" he snapped.

I replied "You have been invading my privacy by reading my e-mail and checking my cell phone calls. Following me when I leave the house has to stop! I know I have given you reason to mistrust me, but I cannot continue to live this way. It is making me crazy!"

His response was expected. He said "I can't help it. I love you so much and it's making me do things I normally would not. I keep thinking you are going somewhere to meet him. I have to know. I don't want to lose you."

I insist that it's just a reconnection of an old friendship and that the e-mails, although flirtatious, were innocent. "Nothing has happened between us" I tell him.

His expression tells me he has doubts. The e-mails that he read were so private and such a violation. They revealed enough to make him nervous. I can understand his concern. This is, after all, my first and truest love.

Although twenty five years has past since I last saw him, it seems like it was just yesterday. The connection we have is strong, the feelings deep and I can't ignore it. The moment our eyes met at the reunion, I knew I was in trouble. I had often thought about him with fond memories over the years. I hoped he was happy and wondered where he was, how he was doing. Was he married? Did he have children? Did he remember "us"? I had no idea that seeing him would bring back this flood of emotions so strongly. We were very young all those years ago. Just kids, really. We both moved on in different directions hoping to find the one person to share life with that would make us feel that way again. Does love like that happen more than once? That is a question to ponder, I suppose.

Now that we have found each other again, it is impossible for me to imagine my life without him in it. We need time to figure all of this out. I need to be rational and make sure these feelings are in the present. Could it be twenty five years of thought and wondering? Or is this real? Time is the only way to tell.

The waiter arrives to take our order. We tell him our desires. The food comes to the table. We eat, pay the bill and leave. The ride home seems endless. Back to co-existing for the sake of our sweet, innocent daughter. I need to rethink that plan. Doesn't she deserve to see what true happiness is all about? Selfishly I think to myself, "And what about me? Don't I deserve true happiness?"

Divorce is a difficult decision. It affects many lives, not just your own. I struggle with the guilt of this every day. I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I have to follow my heart and do what is right for all concerned. I just hope that when I break the news to my husband that I must leave him, the pain isn't too much for all of us to endure.

THE END