Lord of the Courts

(Opening graphics from The Judge Judy Show)

Announcer- You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real. The cases are real. Her rulings are final. This is her courtroom. This is JUDGE JUDY

(Pan in to a figure wearing giant metal armor walking in the courtroom. To his right are the Nine riders and Gollum.)

Sauron the Deceiver is suing Hobbit Frodo Baggins for the return of a ring. (Pan to Frodo, at the other table being sworn in. Sam, Bilbo, and Gandalf are to his left.) Frodo says, Sauron is trying to dominate all life. He is countersuing for harassment.

(Judge Judy enters)

Byrd - All rise. (Turns to Judge Judy). Your Honor this is case number 413 in the matter of Sauron versus Baggins. All parties have been sworn in Judge. (Looks at crowd) You may be seated (looks at the Nine and Gollum) sirs, have a seat.

JJ (Judge Judy) - Mister Sauron, I understand that at one time you were in the possession of a ring, and that you lost the ring through...well, through a series of circumstances, and when you approached the defendant to get the ring back, he refused.

Sauron - That's correct your honor.

JJ - Why don't you take me through what happened?

Sauron - Well, basically your honor, I've always had trouble with these people. I made this ring myself, and well...

JJ - Mister Sauron, give me the brief account, I have other things to do today!

Sauron - Sorry, your honor. I had an acquaintance named Isildur who stole the ring from me by chopping off my finger.

JJ - Did you file charges?

Sauron - Well...no, because when the ring was separated from me I was banished from the world for a while. Anyways, Isildur lost the ring, and it wound up in the possession of my witness...

JJ - (To Gollum) Step up please. (Gollum steps up) Your name please?

Gollum - Smeagol <Gollum>.

JJ - Tell me about the ring, mister Gollum.

Gollum - It came to me...my precious...they steals it from us.

JJ - Mister Gollum, is English your first language?

Gollum - Yessss...

JJ - Then speak English!

Gollum - I'm sorry your honor.

JJ - Do you see a sign that says 'stupid' on my head, Smeagol?

Gollum - No, your honor.

JJ - Don't expect me to fall for the broken English routine.

Gollum - I'm sorry.

JJ - Continue.

Gollum - Anyway, I found the ring in the river, and I took it with me to my estate in the Misty Mountains...

Frodo - Ha!

JJ - (Looks annoyed at Frodo) You'll get your turn.

Frodo - Your Honor, he didn't have an estate.

JJ - You'll get your turn. Be quiet.

Gollum - So, I meet this Bilbo guy in the mountain. (Pan to Bilbo) We get to talking, and we start playing a riddles game back and forth. When he starts losing, he pulls his knife, grabs the ring, and storms out of there!

(show Bilbo and Sam, looking incredulous) Frodo - That is a ball-faced lie!

JJ - HEY!!!

Frodo - I'm sorry your honor. But that's a lie.

JJ - What did I say about interrupting?

Frodo - I'm sorry.

JJ - Did you file charges, Mister Gollum?

Gollum - Yes, I did. (pulls out papers)

(Gandalf stands up) Gandalf - Your honor, you will see that those papers are from Mordor, which is far away from...

JJ - Did I ask for you to speak?

Gandalf - No, ma'am, but it is...

JJ - I can read! Sit down!

(Gandalf sits down, mildly perturbed.)

JJ - Alright, Mister Sauron, continue.

Sauron - So I learned that the ring was now in Frodo's possession...

JJ - One Question, Mister Sauron: Why didn't you contact Mr. Gollum when he had the ring?

Sauron - I was still banished from the world, your honor, and at the time he didn't know the ring was mine.

JJ - Continue.

Sauron - So when I talked to Gollum, he told me that Bilbo was the last guy who had the ring.

JJ - (To Bilbo) That you?

Bilbo - Yes.

JJ - Step up here.

(Bilbo steps up)

JJ - Now, you took the ring from Gollum?

Bilbo - Well, it wasn't quite like that your honor. First off, Gollum lived in a dark cave.

(Gollum rolls his eyes and makes a loud grunt of disapproval.)

JJ - I don't care where he lived, Mister Baggins! Just tell me about the ring!

Bilbo - I found the ring on the floor of the cave.

JJ - And did you draw your sword on him?

Bilbo - Yes, your honor, but that was because he was threatening to eat me.

JJ - (Looks over at Byrd) Are you getting this? Let me see if I got this right: he was threatening to eat you, so you drew your sword, and 'happened' to find the ring sir? That just doesn't sound right to me.

Bilbo - I found the ring before he threatened to eat me.

JJ - Let's say I buy that: You knew you were in Gollum's house, and yet you still (Bilbo goes to speak, Judge Judy scowls) I'm speaking! Still you took the ring.

Bilbo - I didn't know I was in his house, your Honor.

JJ - (sighs) Alright, mister Baggins. How did Frodo get the ring?

Bilbo - When I retired away from my home, I left him the Ring with my possessions.

JJ - So, you bequeated a ring, which you knew was not your own, to the defendant?

Bilbo - (Long pause) I don't think that's a fair question.

JJ - Oh, I do. I believe Mister Gollum when he says you drew your sword and took the ring. That's what the police officer concluded.

(Gandalf stands partly) Gandalf - May I speak about that?

JJ - No.

JJ - Alright, Mister Sauron, so let's start again, you know that Frodo has the ring.

Sauron - Yes, and so I send some people to ask him to give it back.

Frodo - (angry) You liar!

JJ - SIR!!! SIR!!! I'm not looking in your direction! I don't want to hear you!

(Frodo shakes his head in disbelief)

JJ - Continue, Mister Sauron.

Sauron - I sent my Nine riders to get the ring back.

JJ - (pointing to the Nine) Are these them?

Sauron - Yes. (Nine Stand)

JJ - Okay, so why don't you tell me about what happened?

Witch King - Well, your Honor, we go to his house, and Frodo's little 'companion' there answers the door. Anyway, we ask him if Frodo is in. Frodo comes to the door wearing a towel, and when we ask him to give us the ring back, he flies into a tirade, 'I'm gonna kick your f-ing ass, I'll f-ing kill you if you don't get off my property. We didn't want any trouble, so we left.

Frodo - That's not what happened, your honor.

JJ - Okay, Mister Baggins, what happened?

Frodo - My friend Gandalf came and told me that the ring was the Ring of Power, which Sauron had used to...

JJ - Is this going somewhere, Mister Frodo?

Frodo - Your Honor, I...it is necessary for my case.

JJ - (angry) Did you meet these men asking for the ring at your house or not?

Frodo - No. I ran into them at the watchtower at Weathertop. They had been chasing me, trying to get the ring back, and...

JJ - Oh! So you knew they were after the ring, and yet you refused to give it back?

Frodo - They tried to kill me! I still have the scar from the attack!

Witch King - Now, that is a lie, your honor.

JJ - Do you have a Police Report?

Frodo - Well, no...

JJ - How about a Hospital Record?

Frodo - I have the scar right here! Do you want to see it?

JJ - I don't know where you got that scar from! You could have given it to yourself!

(Gandalf stands again) Gandalf - Your Honor, please, let me speak!

JJ - Were you there?

Gandalf - No, but...

JJ - THEN SIT DOWN!!!

JJ - Mister Sauron, there is one thing that puzzles me; why would Frodo Baggins refuse to give you the ring?

Witch King - If I may, your Honor?

JJ - Sure.

Witch King - From what I understand to be true, he gave the ring as a present to his...um, lover over there.

Frodo - That is a lie, your honor! Sam and I are not...

JJ - Who has the ring right now, Mister Baggins?

Frodo - Well...um, Sam does.

JJ - Why does Sam have the ring if you didn't give it to him?

Frodo - I was attacked by a Giant Spider and he thought I was dead, so he took the ring.

JJ - Let me guess...all this happened in a cave?

Frodo - Why yes, your honor.

(crowd laughs)

JJ - You're a liar.

(Frodo looks incredulously at the judge)

JJ - You're a liar Mister Baggins, do you know how I know that?

(Frodo looks on silently)

JJ - Because if what you say is true, and these men were trying to kill you to get the ring back, how come you didn't just give the ring back?

Gandalf - Because the Dark armies of Sauron would march across all of Middle Earth!

JJ - (sighs tiredly) Alright, sir. I'll listen to you.

Gandalf - The ring is altogether evil!

JJ - If you think the ring is evil, sir, why don't you give it back to Sauron?

Gandalf - If Sauron gets this ring, he will be able to control the other great rings of power.

Sauron - Your Honor, that's not true.

Gandalf - You know full well that it is true.

Sauron - I have a witness here who will show that this man is crazy.

(The Balrog steps up, emitting fire.)

JJ - Your name, please?

Balrog - Durin's Bane.

Gandalf - Impossible! I killed you!

JJ - WHAT?!

Balrog - That's right, your honor. This man invaded my home, killed my pet cave troll, and threw me off a bridge. Then, he jumped down after me. He wound up stabbing me with a lightning sword. He left me for dead on a frosty mountain.

JJ - (Looks over with anger at Gandalf) Any response to this?

Gandalf - We went into the Mines of Moria to try to get to Mordor. We stirred up a host of goblins against us, and the Balrog attacked our party.

JJ - Your party? Was the defendant with you?

Gandalf - Yes.

JJ - Perfect! I'm getting a picture of your operation, Mister Baggins. You invade people's homes and steal from them!

Frodo - That's not true!

JJ - Bilbo Baggins, what was your profession in your youth?

Bilbo - Burglar, your honor.

(Gandalf puts his head in his hands. Bilbo realizes his mistake)

JJ - Mmm-hmm. Give the ring to Sauron immediately.

Gandalf - Never! (Holds up his staff)

JJ - (shakes head) Byrd, go get the ring please.

(Gandalf lights Byrd on fire, who goes screaming offstage. The Nine draw their swords.)

Balrog - You better give-over that ring!

Gandalf - (Holding up staff and sword) You cannot pass!

Balrog - (Crafting a flaming whip) There ain't no bridge this time, whitie!

JJ - What do I do now? Byrd was the only reason people listened to my abuse!

(The Balrog begins to fight with Gandalf. Frodo, Bilbo and Sam make a break for the door, and the Nine take off running after them. Sam drops the ring. Sauron dives on it, and puts it on his finger. Judge Judy cowers in the corner.)

Sauron - (Looking at the ring) Oh yeah! (victory dance)

(Suddenly, hundreds of warriors pour into the courtroom. Sauron grabs Judge Judy's gavel, and starts smacking them all over this place with it, the gavel giving off violent explosions.)

Frodo - He's got the ring!

Gandalf - Well, hell, I'm switching sides. (puts down his staff and sword)

Balrog - Good choice. Wanna go get a couple Captain Morgans?

Gandalf - Sure.

Gandalf - Sorry about the whole lightning-sword thing.

Balrong - Ah I deserved it.

(They both walk off laughing.)

Sam - (looking downcast) Well, Mister Frodo, I've really done it this time.

Frodo - (angry at first, but then smiles) Oh Sam. (They make out.)

(Pan out to the sounds of mayhem as Sauron blasts people.)


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