Santa Commits Suicide

The only evidence of the crash was one reindeer skeleton stripped to the bone after the magic of old Saint Nick left the world forever.
Santa Commits Suicide

A horrifying turn of events this holiday season, as good old Saint Nick looked to his magic snowball in an effort to gain knowledge of just who was good and who was bad. However when he gazed in to the frozen sphere this time, all he saw was a ball of ice.
The realization that there just were no good people in the world any more is believed to have been more than the once jolly old man could take.
“I knew by the look on his face that night at supper, something was very wrong.” Sobbed Mrs. Clause “he looked so sad and was unusually quiet. I knew something was not right, I just knew it”
Later that evening Santa ordered the sleigh readied for a “test run” and flew off with no more words for anyone. According to this reporters source within the North Pole P.D. he did one last lap around the Earth at blinding speeds and, without slowing, dove in to the face of a mountain.
The local authorities stated “All that was left at that speed was the remains of one reindeer, and to tell you the truth we were surprised to find that much.”
The official word from the North Pole is that Christmas is over for all time, there simply are no good people in the world anymore. Even the littlest of the world’s children are too concerned with themselves and there is no room in their hearts for their fellow man.


Children of the world mourn the loss of presents and gifts they will never get, but still don’t give a damn about the man who would have given them.

People of the world are in Shock, “I don’t know how to feel, kind of cheated I guess.” says Betty Ripton. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do though, I’m going to sue whoever is in charge of the Christmas thing now that the red fat man is dead. I mean, my son is traumatized. Imagine no more free stuff.”
When asked how she felt about the end of things like good will toward men, and the joys of giving, Miss Ripton had a blank look on her face and refused to comment. Miss Ripton’s feelings are echoed again and again by people all over the world.
In what is being called a major victory for Evil. Father O’Brian from the Catholic Church dioceses told us that Saint Nicholas Is a Saint no longer.
“Suicide is a sin that can not be ignored by God. No matter how good the old man was, how he ended his life will grant him suffering in the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity. His name is being stricken from the records, and the Pope is scheduled to perform the excommunication rites by the week’s end.”
Governments all over the world are working with religious factions trying to fill the void that will surely be left by the death of this holiday, trying to remind the people of what the true meaning of Christmas is all about.
“Christ died on the cross for our sins. Although he knew it was coming and did nothing to stop it from happening, it’s not the same as suicide, so we can still worship him.” Cried Father O’Brian.
In a small effort to show appreciation for the fallen saint we ask that each of you burn a small candle in remembrance of another of life’s beautiful dreams fallen into nightmarish obscurity. Or you may continue to do nothing. It really makes no difference.




*C.J. Riley