Toss Out The TV, He's Being Mean

Ladies and gentlemen
This is the fucking news
Turn on your fucking televisions.
I’m A.S. Yalen, and I’m your anchor.

Listen to me.
Well I don’t suppose you have a choice.
CNN bought CBS who bought Viacom who were all bought by Disney and then by GM and a merger of Time-Warner-AOL-Microsoft-NBC-God.
God’s got a little problem though – he’s a great world-maker but a shitty bookkeeper.
You hear me god? You HEAR me?
Another late paycheck and that story’s running, you lying, cheating, bastard!

At any rate, a few ground rules for tonight’s newscast.
Since it’s me and only me
Forever
I don’t know that I necessarily have to repeat these every time
But I will
Because we’re a little short on items I find interesting tonight

First rule, the only rule, really, is fairly simple, which is:
Corporate makes news decisions around here
And we want money
So take a good close look at those scrolling numbers underneath the screen
Those are items
You pick up your phone
You call that number
And you better fucking buy that shit
Or I won’t have a job tomorrow

Channel 6 billion two hundred and forty seven always on the eternal news cycle when no news is still cause for news.
Where news that fucks your life makes us filthy rich.
Thanks for tuning in you worthless ignorant zombies.
Spend your money and die!

Suicide diversity bombers killed dozens today.
Love died.
His head was ripped clean off his shoulders. Or so we think.
We don’t fact check around here.

Mind Whore’s on the scene. We think. Do you have anything to say, you stupid bitch?

Well, you prick, I can tell you plenty
Behind me
over here are the splattered remains of dozens of people who grew too fond of each other.
They accepted every way of life under the sun, and their brains – incapable of being so open – simply burst.

Now, I had the chance to talk to MU’s chief Pig, and he told me that they’re already beating up whatever Arabs they can find.
Just kidding.
I never talked to him! In fact, I don’t even know who he is!
Isn’t that funny!
In fact, I’m not even in Brady Commons!
I’m standing right here! In the studio!
I’m not even live!
I’m snorting coke right now! In some filthy bar!

And you know what else! I’m burning down my master’s glass ceiling!
Fuck you Steve; don’t ever pass me up for a promotion again you breast–obsessed cocksucker!
I’m a C–cup and I look great on TV!

No, seriously, though, this is a very sad day. Back to you.

Thanks for that report, you snide bitch.

Now for a commercial break,
And you idiots better remember what I told you earlier
Buy this shit.
Do it for me.
Thanks.

Back to the news
Where in other parts of the world
Suffering occurs just about, oh, daily
But you see
They’re accustomed to it now
So I see no need to delve further
Into this particular matter
Next.

Ah. Now an email from an angry viewer.
Hmm. Let me call an ombudsman. A public editor.
Oh wait.
I don’t give a fuck.
Next.

Oh now this is sexy. Here we go.
Here’s some goddamned news.
Some bitch won American-fucking-idol.
They say she has a great voice.
But the real question, the one that hasn’t been asked
Is this
What else can she do with that mouth and those lips?
Does she give good head?
I bet she can suck a mean cock.
Is she good in the kitchen?
Does she cook? Can she clean? What the fuck kind of girl can’t clean?
I’m just saying. This is kind of important

Now people seem to think
We’ve risen above this kind of thing
But I am happy to report that I have a report waiting
On just how little we’ve risen
Since the dawn of time.

It’s a three part series.
It’s holding till sweeps.
When it won’t really matter.
But will win me an award.
Unless you get me fired first.
Because you are not buying enough of this shit.
Maybe you don’t seem to understand that
This show’s profit margin
Seems to shrink
Every fucking second you don’t buy something.
Buy! Buy! Buy!

Last segment of the news program.
Then you can get back
To whatever the fuck it was
That you ignorant brainless bastards
Were doing before
I like to call this part
The purely spin zone.
Shut up.
You’re wrong.
You’re stupid.

I’m done.