Drunken Words

         She approached the couch that held the sleeping man. She nudged him gently, calling out softly, "Dad, Dad." a nudge finally wakes him. "I just wanted to let you know I'm home." she said.

         "Let me know what?" he asked thickly.

         "That I'm home," she replied.

         "Are you ready?" he asked groggily.

         "Ready for what?" she had taken a few steps back.

         "For our Savior to come back," he murmured, eyes closed.

         "What?" she stood frozen to the spot a few feet away from the couch where the drunken man lay, wondering if she heard him right.

         "For our Savior to come back." he slurred and she had trouble understanding him. She stood transfixed, staring at the father she loved. Soon, she heard him snoring and she walked to her room and closed the door quietly. She stood for a minute then sat on her bed and cried.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

         "Backsliding, eh?" he asked her.

         "What? No." she bit into her hamburger angrily.

         "Just wanted the easy life,"

         "No," she swallowed and glared at him. "I love my dad."

         "No rules,"

         "Hey, believe it or not, my dad is very strict." she rose to his defense, as always.

         "Really?" he asked doubtfully.

         "Yes. Just because he doesn't go to our church doesn't mean that he doesn't have rules. And I didn't move there just so I could run around and sin. The only place I've gone is work." her words were rushed and hurried. It was almost as if she was lying and it made her wonder if she was.

         "I was only asking," he replied.

         "You don't believe me," she choked.

         "Did I say that?" before she could respond he said, "It's hot today. Hurry so I can take you home." All she could do was nod.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

         "I don't want kids," she looked over at the baby in the carseat next to her.

         "Ever?" her teenage friend asked.

         "Not right away. I'm not worrying about marriage yet either." she smiled at the baby.

         "She says that now, but we'll see." the mother of the child spoke.

         "Yeah, whatever. It's not big in my life right now is all." she mumbled.

         "Yeah, you know that you want to marry what's his name." the teenager replied.

         "He likes that other girl," she muttered to herself.

         "What?"

         "Nothing. He isn't really that important to me." And I'm ugly, and fat, and dumb, and, stop it! God loves me. She continues the inner torment, though, against her better judgement.

         "I'll bet he likes you," the mother smiles to herself.

         "And I'll bet that you have kids right away," the teenager teases her.

         "What about you and your obsession? He seems to have turned his interest to you." she takes the focus off herself and joins the mother in teasing their friend. Her sorrow is forgotten.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

         In her room, she thinks about being alone, then thinks about her divorced parents, both claiming the other had an affair. She thinks about the abusing hands of her mom's boyfriend and the even more painful marriage that followed. She thinks about her father and all the women he has been with. She thinks about her half brother that came from that lifestyle. She thinks about her older brother and his following in their dad's footsteps but denying it all the way. She thinks of the times when she needed someone but no one was there. She thinks of the nightmares and the fears that had her reaching for a doll and hugging it close for the comfort her life lacked. She wishes she had a guy that at least showed he noticed her, then cries because she is lonely. She sees how messed up her whole family is, then realizes that she doesn't want that. She says she doesn't want to get married. She wants to live alone. That night, she says a prayer before bed then drifts off to sleep with God's arms around her, comforting her like she had asked Him to do.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

         The dream hangs around her all day, not allowing her a moment of random thought.

         In her dream, she was pregnant. She ran around, telling everyone. She was happy and proud but scared. She wasn't married. People kept mentioning abortion to her. No, she told them all, no.

         Then she began to think about it. and realized that she didn't sleep with anyone. Fearful, she feels the baby firmness of her stomach begin to lessen and shrink. She goes to the hospital but by then the baby is just a little firm spot in the center of her stomach. The nurse examines her but says it is something like a sty. That's all, it will go away.

         It will go away. Go away.

         She wakes up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

         She was happy and wanted to show her dad's current girlfriend the jeans she had bought. She ran into their bedroom and her dad looked at her.

         "What?" he asked, irritated.

         She was momentarily shocked. "Nothing," she walked over to the girlfriend who was on the phone.

         "Leave her alone," he snapped.

         She wanted to argue that she was not bothering the girlfriend but she just stood there feeling lost. She walked to her room and cried. All alone. She realized that she was backsliding so she knelt at her dresser and prayed. God hugged her shaking form to Him, faithful as always.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

         She picked up the phone, dialed the number and waited. "Hello?" her dad's voice and static feel the air.

         "Can you come get me?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

         "No, I don't think so," his slurred voice let her know why.

         "Okay, I'll call a cab."

         "Can you do that?"

         "Yeah. Bye." she grabbed the phone book and looked up the cab company. Only God and her knew the pain that pulled her heart downward.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

         "Are you ready?"

         "Ready for what?"

         "For our Savior to come back."

         "Yes, yes I am."

NOTE:

         I wasn't sure of what my dad really said that night but it brought my backsliding firmly into focus. I was hiding from God, something impossible to do but I tried anyway.

         When I read this again today, 4/6/04, I recalled so vividly those drunken words that led to my rebirth that I nearly cried. God was there for me, even when I'd turned away from Him. I understand that now.

         I can almost promise you that my father didn't ask me that. I understood are you ready but the rest sounded like for our Savior to come back. It frightened me, so I asked him what. He said it again.

         Whatever was said that night, I am grateful for God's eternal love and pursuit of His runaway children. I just think that this needed to be told at last. When I wrote it, I wrote it in third person without names, but the story is about me. And I'm very glad it is.

         God Bless.