Sick

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me sometimes. I have desires to be loved, truely loved, without being used like before.
Many boys and men have been in and out of my life, my mum and dad don't even know about any of them, well one and I sure as shit didn't tell them.
Life just sucks, but I need to say this stuff to get it off my chest, just cos alright?

When I was 6 I think my older sister had just hit puberty and was curious about her body etc. And who else would help her discover it all than with her little sister? Heaps of people say that your sister and siblings should be your best friend, but she wasn't. She forced me on many occasions to suck her off, because I was only little I had no idea what I was doing, she said it was alright, and that it was just our little secret. Once after orgasm she wiped it off on my other sisters favourite ornament of two rabbits, she said that during the night that it would fly around now. Looking back it's just disgusting, what kind of person would do that to their younger sister? One who didn't even know any better? I guess that because of her disability she blames everyone else for her mistakes. BTW it's only a physical one, although it's not worth debating with me if it is mental as well, she can't move as quickly as normal people, she can't balance much either. I once cared and would have done anything for her, but now I couldn't give a shit. I still wake scared that she has woken me to give her pleasure.

This wasn't the only life changing experience I remember, when I was 11 my other sister was trying to teach me about the facts of life, to which I had already known and would have faced my worst fears rather than have to be forced to witness it again. She forced me to jerk off her 20year old boyfriend in front of her. I said I didn't want to but she forced me into it, putting her hands over mine to make them stay on it. After he had shot his load she offered me to lick it off him, thankfully she didn't make me, but she made me watch. Many times after this I would be forced to listen to them have sex not more than 1 m away from me on the bedroom floor. Everytime I would pretend to need to go to the toilet, then as quietly as I could be sick then go out and try to sleep the rest of the night on the couch in the family room.

Then of course, came a set up date by my sister to one of her friends so that they would have sex with me. It started out ok, he seemed nice enough, but because it was new years eve everyone started to drink, I had the least of all because I knew I might do something I would regret if I did. I look back now and wish that I had drinken more so that I wouldn't remember it all. But at midnight we were lying on the floor in my lounge room while everyone else had gone to a friends party, I couldn't be bothered going and I thought then he would leave me alone, but he didn't. I was lying there, practically asleep and he kissed me. It didn't seem like anything special, but then he started pushing my t-shirt up and unbuttoning my shorts. I tried to stop him, but because he was nearly 4 years older than me, I had no chance in hell and because he was drunk he had no idea. He pushed me into my parents ensuite and told me to have a shower with him, I did out of fear, I knew no one else would be home for a while. It hurt and it was disgusting I could feel everything dripping down my leg and onto the floor and down the drain, the blood stained me forever and my hands after cleaning myself never seemed to loose the stain.

When I was 16 my oldest sister got married to this ugly disgusting man from Sri Lanka. I hated him from day 1, but I was never intentionally rude to him. One night when I was sat in the couch in the family room everyone had gone to bed. He was lying down and he started pushing my legs apart, because I was half asleep I thought it was the cat so i just relaxed. Withouting my noticing he sat up and put his hand on my leg, that's when I realized I was in trouble. I just froze, I didn't think that he would cheat on my sister especially with me, overweight and with horrible scars and acne on my arms and neck. He felt further up my leg and into my, you know. I couldn't move, I was just stunned. When my dad came in from the other room, I suddenly got what I needed to leave, dad didn't notice to any of this, but I did turn around and say "You're bloody married to my sister." When I did tell people, mainly the police and child protection services, mum said to me that he didn't know any better and he thought he was just being nice to me. I think it's rubbish and mum is always trying to make everything seem not so important. It was horrible, she practically called me a liar, so I never told anyone anything. I learnt to cry in secret.

6 months or so later, I went to a camp with the Venturers (older scouting ppl) to an Anything Goes camp, where literally anything can go and there is like jelly wrestling and disco and movies and everything. It was my first one so I really had no idea what to expect. I was just about to get up to walk to the motorbike activity when this guy yelled out a name similar to mine and asked if I was going to go with him to the activity. I figured, I was going anyway, I might as well go with him, he seemed nice enough. He started treating me like one of the guys, which seemed strange, but I accepted it. I agreed to meet him later, which I did at the whip cracking. We walked around for a while, into his tent a couple of times, where we only kissed and stuff. We went to the movies for a bit and then walked around some more. I knew he was getting uncomfortably closer to me, to cool him off a bit I went to the toilet and took a breather. When I came out he pushed me against the wall of the block and asked if I wanted to fuck him. Getting no reply he pushed me harder into the wall and asked if I could feel how hard he was. I could, it was disgusting. He pulled me to a secluded part of the camp and felt me up, kissing me everywhere, then he raped me. I felt so violated, I didn't tell anyone but as I said before, I just needed to tell someone, you needn't respond.

Then about 8 months after that, I thought that everything would be ok, but no, I was wrong. My brother in law came in one night when I was sleeping and kissed me. I woke suddenly as it was dark I had no idea what was going on. He pulled away for a second and said how sorry he was for last time, "gross" I thought. Then he pulled back the blanket, I tried to push him away, I tried so hard but he lay on top of me and pulled all my boxers down, I could feel his hardness. When he first violated me, I tried so hard to scream but nothing came out. Pushing in and out of me was the most horrible pain imaginable, more so that the guy at the camp. I didn't tell anyone about this either, no one would believe me anyway. They never will anyway.

Thankyou for reading the horrible parts of my life, this is all I seem to remember through the horrible feelings in my stomach and my being sick in the middle of the night for no reason other than the thoughts of the past. I hope that no one has to go through the horrors, I didn't think anyone could have that much bad luck, but I was wrong. I wish I was still innocent.