In our Beginning

In the beginning

In the beginning, I could imagine your eyes bright and lively with excitement telling me about your day and what you had done.
I could imagine your hands moving enthusiastically gesturing and talking in ways your words could not extend.
I listened fascinated, not with what you had to say, but it was in the way you said it, it was the sound of your voice as you spoke.
I listened patiently.
Inside I ached...
Because I wanted to be the one to bring such life into you

……I thought of telling you then, but I didn’t have the strength to.

I could imagine your eyes, hooded and downcast with anger, enough to cause electricity in your skies.
Your hands clenched in fists of rage.
I listened cautiously,
Furious
Not at you or the way you reacted but at the way you were made to feel.
Inside my fury burned.
I wanted to be the one to make you feel such intensity.

….. I thought of telling you then, but I didn’t have the will too

I could imagine your eyes, bashful and sly.
I could imagine your pupil’s dilating with passion, your hands open and slick with sweat rubbing them over your jeans to dry.
I listened painfully,
Jealous,
Not because you felt bliss and joy, but because you felt it with her.
Inside my heart broke

I wanted to be the one to bring such a fervent pitch of desire in you.
I thought of telling you then, but I didn’t have the courage too.

I could imagine your eyes wet with tears of joy as your heart filled with pride when you held your newborn child
I listened silently
Miserably.

I was angry with myself, angry with God
It was not you or your joy that caused me pain; it was because I could never be the one to provide you with a mirror image of our love.
I cried silently.
I thought of telling you then,
But I didn't have the right to.

I could imagine your eyes sad and pained; unshed tears creating a wall of anguish, and your hands trembling like a child’s
I could imagine your heart filled with despair as you began to realize that you don’t love her.

I listened soulfully,
I felt sorry for you,
Because you were forced by the beliefs that held you to spend the rest of your life with her

I thought of telling you then, but I didn’t have the heart to.

Now you are mine.

I can imagine your eyes, distant and weary from lack of sleep
Your eyelids shutting out the world
Your hands limp like rags hanging lifelessly on each side of your body
I listened intently…
Desperate…
Not because I was drinking in your every word, but because I was straining to hear you speak a word at all.

Inside my heart was cold…
I had no comfort for you.

I could imagine your eyes wide and startled by the words I said to you the other night
You were looking away while your hands were fidgeting restlessly, nervously running them through your hair.
As you listened objectively

Inside I was shattered
I thought my world was coming apart

I thought of dying then…

I can imagine your eyes sympathetic and pleading
Your brows furrowed out of concern
Your hands stretched out in front of your body reaching out to me

I didn’t want to listen then…

Hollow

I walked away
Inside my heart was breaking
Because of all the years that I have spent imagining you.
Now that I have you, I don’t know how to keep you.

I didn’t want to hurt you…

But now…
I can imagine the pain of not having you in my life.
I didn’t want to tell you then…
I let pride stand in the way of our happiness,
When it was my own child that caused me this pain.
This pain was so consuming that I could imagine my own death.

I didn’t tell you then…
But I have to tell you now… because I can’t find any more excuses not too…

Now…
I can imagine forever with you,
It’s time to stop imagining, and time to start living
For all that I had imagined is standing here before me.
So I am telling you this…
I do not want to lose you

I count my blessings!
Curt…….I love you!