Eight Candles

Eight Candles

There was a place in that big old graveyard,
Way back in a shady corner,
Where the grass didn’t grow too good,
Flowers were extinct and weeds flourished.
A sweet little girl named Cheryl
Deserved a much better place
To rest her young tainted and battered heart.
She drowned in the bathtub
Wearing fresh bruises the paper said
Eight candles on the cake I gave you
Just three weeks before
Why is this white girl crying?
Their eyes said accusingly
Why is her boyfriend a pallbearer?
Why? I wanted to shout
Because I love her like she’s my own
I was there when none of you were
When you lived in jail, or were too strung out
To even notice you had a daughter
I’m the one that cried with her
In a cold sterile doctor’s office
After learning at age seven
The only memory of her sorry ass father
She had was the gonorrhea he gave her
She never had a fucking chance
And yeah, I blame you bitch
All it took was one look in your bloodshot
Eyes to know you knew
The only reason I didn’t hit you then
Was out of love and respect for that little girl
And how ironic that you show up here
Like a crack head version of June Cleaver
On this day
When you were absent so many days
When she needed you like she needed oxygen
It was your maniacal selective vision that led
Seven-year-old Cheryl to be sterile
I try not to hate you
Just like I try not to hate
This agency that didn’t heed my warnings
Took six months of writing reports
To even get that doctor’s appointment I told them something was wrong
With the new placement, I felt it deep inside me
But this agency told me
There was no reason to be emotional
You need to separate yourself they said
So, I want to look straight into your eyes
And excuse my tears
But I want you to know I didn’t separate myself
Not for a single solitary minute
I made sure Cheryl laughed and played
And got to be the little girl she deserved to be
Even if it was just for a few minutes
Till her play clothes were dirty
And she kissed me good-bye with
Bright red Kool-Aid lips
Thank you she said shyly
No, thank you I said
See you next week I said
But I didn’t
So while you might expect me to be
A robot representing a place I no longer believe in
I won’t give in to you
My boss smiled and tried to make small talk
Hiding from the intensity of my gaze
I knew then it was time to walk away and I did.
I pity myself if there comes a day when a child’s death
Doesn’t hurt me
And deep in the core of me pain
I pity me if that day ever comes
I slipped one hand into my boyfriend’s
And the other into my mother’s
I said thank you for standing beside me today
I thank God for you
And for giving me the strength
To honor a little girl that was a gift
My only happiness in this situation comes
From knowing You will protect her now
She will be safe
And she will have unconditional love
Wrapped around her
Healing, finally in a place worthy of her
I looked up at the sky
I felt her presence
I felt You looking down at me
I sighed through my tears
No longer caring what people thought
And said
I
Love
You
Cheryl.