Starlight, Starbright (Pts I, II & III)

Starlight, Star bright
by Robert Turnbull


Part I
Bridget - 2003

September 18th, 2003

"Well, as my friend said, the best way is the direct way" I say.

I reach over and Kiss Mike passionately. He seems shocked, yet not shocked, as if he was expecting it... which he may have been. He often seems to know what I am about to do. Or maybe nothing can shock him. The kiss continues as Mike falls backwards on to the couch, pulling me with him.

After we break apart he looks at me with such love and compassion in his eyes that I'm taken aback. I feel giddy at finally having someone love me, the real me and not some image that I've given them. After all those other brain-dead slobs I've dated, I have finally found a decent man who loves me, wants to be with me and cares about me.

"Are you regretting that?" he asks me.

"Of course not... I love you" is what I want to say... but Mike wouldn't understand it... he'd see it as a sign of weakness in me... and I want to show him how strong I am... so I say "No... just thinking" instead.

It's obvious how much he loves me... the story he wrote about me... all the poems... and his eyes proclaimed it every time I saw them... or is it all an act?

He smiles shyly and says "Your mom will be home soon... I better go."

"Alright" I say, with almost no emotion in my voice.

I don't want him to leave... I want him to be in my arms forever... but if I told him that, he'd laugh at me, right? Can't have him thinking that I'm some sort of girly-girl, like his last girlfriend.

How he disliked the last one... and he had every right to dislike her. She was a selfish person with the brains of a doorknob... and that’s putting it politely... completely wrong for a bright person like my Mikey. And the way she dressed! Shocking... I don't know why they dated in the first place.

He leaves and I'm left alone with my thoughts. As I watch his bike speed off into the darkness, I start to think about him and me.

I know I love him with his naive charm... his shyness... his poetry! Oh, how I love his poetry. So dark and depressive, yet it shows how caring her can be. I love him so much and I think he loves me as much... but what if he doesn't?

I get up to make myself another cup of tea. My couch creaks as I stand up and I think to myself "It's not beyond saving!" as I remember how Mike had described it in his story.

What if he's faking it? What if he doesn't love me? What if he just wants my body, like all the others? What if he wants me to have sex with him? Can I? After what happened with Frank? After he fucked me and when it got boring, left me with nothing? Can I trust Mike that much? Can I ever trust a man that much again?

What if he's like Frank?

I ponder the problem for a few minutes... and I decide that when Mike wants to start, we'll start, and also to let him bring it up. I don't think he's lying to me, I don't think he can lie to me. And I do trust him... I can see the love in his eyes and I know I can tell him anything.

There's so much that I want to tell him... so much that I want us to do together. Why don't I tell him... he'll understand. "But what if he doesn't" says my cynical side. "What if he takes your problems and laughs at them? What then?" I sigh and decide to put off telling him more about me for a while.

**********

September 20th, 2003

"Hello Bridget."

I hear Mikes voice coming from over by the stage that he's helping to assemble for an outdoor Mass at my mothers church. It's such a kind act for him because the church is Catholic and he's not even Christian... he's an atheist evolutionist as I call it, he prefers to say that he has no religion, as science is not a religion, but I'll damn well call him anything I want.

"Morning" I mutter in a dour tone of voice.

Why am I in a funk? Because my mom drags me here, on a Saturday, to help out... and I'm not even Catholic... I'm a Wiccan. Mike's great about that though... he accepts my religion, where as my mother and the rest of my extended family can not.

Or is he really okay with it? What if he just wants my body and is willing to agree with anything I say that will give him a better chance at me? What if he's all show and no substance? What if... but the what ifs are pointless. I start to measure out the rows of chairs with Mike holding the tape measurer and me planting the stakes.

The morning passes quickly, and we break for lunch. But, before we go to the mall to have lunch, I remember that I have to run home and get a cheque that my mother had forgotten. I'm about to start my twenty minute walk home when Mike offers me his bike.

"Just don't break it!" he says.

I know that his bike is actually his dads (and that it costs $400) and that he has never lent it to anyone before this, so I accept his kind offer and take off for home, loving him all the more for what he has done and still unable to tell him... why am I unable to tell him that I love him? "He won't think you're weak" I tell myself. But I remain silent...

I return to the mall a half an hour later with the cheque and a sheared hamstring that was caused by me biking. I haven't biked in two years, ever since my last bike got totalled in an accident. Mikes eyes are full of concern for me, but he doesn't show it in any other way. "Why doesn't he show it?" I wonder. Is he afraid I'll think he's weak? Nah, he knows that’s not true. I remain silent about it, not wanting to intrude upon his life.

Lunch is at a little restaurant in the mall. I'm not really hungry but my mom forces me to eat a salad. Mike orders poutine and my mom orders liver and onion. Mike and I finish quickly and he just sits, staring at me... or in to blank space. My mom takes a while longer to finish. When she finishes we walk outside where my mom phones for a taxi. Mike takes off on his bike, saying that he'll meet us back at my apartment.

During the taxi ride, I think about Mike... how can he love me, yet be so bad at showing it... why won't he love me in public? Is he afraid of being seen with me?

Later that evening after we had returned to my apartment, (or, I should say, my moms apartment) we sit on the couch and watch a movie together. He puts his arm around me gently, like he's afraid I'll bite it, and I slide my head onto his shoulder. Taking his hand in mine, we lie together, just letting the sound of the movie flow around us. No words are needed... or are they?

Was he really happy, just lying here with me, or does he want something more? Just how real are all these feelings he claims to have about me but never shows? Maybe he just wants my body.

I look at Mike and see that he's looking at me also. "He's not that handsome... and he's a little bit on the heavy side... but there's just something about him which draws me in.

He smiles and I'm taken back to the last time we dated... for this was not the first, nor the second, but the third time around the block for us.

I remember Mike smiling at me as he hugged me goodbye after our weekly bowling league practice. I remember one night, after we'd spent the whole day together, how Mike had kissed me goodbye I remember the look in his eyes... so similar to that he has now, how it had been full of love and sorrow... why sorrow I wonder?

Mike sneezes... his allergies are acting up again. Plus he has a cold, but he's here with me anyways.

My thoughts return to the first time we dated and how deeply in love with him I was... and how badly I was treated. Mike never seemed to want my love then and I, three years later, didn't want to accept his. But third time's the charm as they say... maybe this time we can make it work.

It's not that I didn't want his affection, it's that it scared me. He was thinking forever and I wasn't ready for forever quite yet.

And what is he thinking this time?

And why does he keep coming back to me? Why me and not someone who will love him openly... like his last girlfriend? Why me?

As he falls asleep I begin to think about that. Why, out of all the women in the world, had he picked me? I know myself well... I know that I have problems... some serious... "what makes him keep coming back to me" I think, just before I fall asleep.

I wake up before he does... I always do. I run my fingers through his hair as I gaze at his peaceful, sleeping face... I wonder if he dreams about me? I know that I do about him.

My dreams are full of nightmares... and when Mike is in them, it's only so that I can lose him... or so that he can die, in front of my eyes.

He wakes up, stretches and the n sees me. He smiles and hugs me... and I think "How can he not love me?"

After he leaves, I begin to think about telling him about how much I love him, care for him with his mix of child-like innocence and adult maturity, and how I want him to stay with me, just so we can hold each other...

"One day... when the time is right, I'll tell him" is what I tell myself.

**********

The next Monday, I develop pneumonia.

I spend most of my week in my bed, staring at the dragons in my room. How I hate my room... I love the decorations which I have, but the room is tiny and the bed is uncomfortable... it sinks to the floor whenever I lie on it. I move into the living room whenever I can

Thursday, I call Mike to let him know that I'm okay... as okay as one can be with pneumonia. He tells me how sorry he is, because it was his cold which gave me pneumonia... which it may have well been.

After I hang up, I wonder how long this will last, how long it will be until Mike learns just how deep my feelings for him are. I wonder how he'll react... can he handle this depth of emotion, or will he run away?

Saturday comes and I go online to post the most recent chapter of my series. People think that I am a great author (as does Mike) and are always begging me for the next chapter. When I get on, I see that Mike is online and we talk for a bit about trivial things, but he obviously has something important on his mind. Finally he begins to type something long.

"Bridget, there is something that I would like to talk to you about, alone, and, although I would be more comfortable doing this online, I think that I should do it in person."

I ask him what he wants t o talk about and he says that I will find out when we talk.

I agree to remind him next time we're alone together and he goes off-line to start work on his homework, leaving me to wonder what he wants to talk about.

My heart sounds as I consider the possibilities. Is he going to break up with me? Is he going to beg me for sex? Or maybe he has some sort of fatal disease that he needs to tell me about?

"Or maybe he wants to tell me that he loves me" I muse to myself.

I finish typing the chapter, post it and log-off. I'll find out soon enough what he wants to talk about. Perhaps I'm becoming jaded.

**********

October 4th, 2003

"Hello Bridget. Mind if I come over tonight and we can have our little talk?" says Mike.

I'm a little bit scared now. Can a little "talk" be a good thing or is it a bad thing? Is he mad that I haven't put out for him? Or does he want to break up with me for some other reason? Does he want to break up with me at all?

"Sure" I say.

After all, it's the only way to find out, isn't it?

"Excellent" he says. Then, with a smile, he turns around and leaves. Why doesn't he hug me, like he used to do? Why can't he take control?

Later that evening, over the pounding rhythm of Disturbed, I hear the doorbell ring. I know that it's him, so I hit the button to open the door, then turn off the music.

My hearts pounding again. What does he want to talk to me about? The butterflies in my stomach begin their gymnastics again as I hear a knock upon my door and I open it.

He comes through my door smiling. Dropping his denim jacket and bike helmet upon the chair nearest to the door, he walks over to my couch and sits, his amulet hanging upon his chest. His amulet is a black heart with a rim of silver. It hangs from a silver chain and he says that it's a symbol of his love for me... but all men say things like that without really meaning it... right?

"Hello Bridget" he says.

"Hey" I reply from the kitchen counter where I sit.

He pats the cushion beside him.

"Would you please sit down and then I will begin."

I walk over to the couch, sit down and look at him expectantly.

Thoughts tumble through my head. I try to read his expression and his body language, but it's too confusing.

He seems to be debating something within himself. A minute passes. Finally he looks over at me, smiles and then kisses me. The passion behind it forces me back across my couch, so that I'm lying on my back. I pull him with me, so that he's lying on top of me. Intense emotions flow through me and I kiss him back so hard that I'm worried about breaking his jaw. Finally we break apart, and he hugs me tightly and whispers into my ear the words "I love you."

I pull back, slightly startled. I gaze deep into his eyes and see love and compassion.

I pull him back to me and hold him tightly while whispering into his ear "I love you too."

He hugs me tight and holds my hand in his.

I've never felt so loved in my life, and we remain like this for several minuets, though I wish it could last for hours.

But I begin to think about all the stuff that Mike doesn't know about... the drugs, the rapes... will he still love me after he knows everything?

We sit back up. I wish we could have stayed like that forever. He leans against the arm rest and I lie on his chest, feeling his heart beat and his arms around me. He begins to speak.

"Bridget... I need to talk to you about something."

"Yes Mike?"

I wonder what it is... but after what he just did, it can't be anything bad.

He looks deep into my eyes... takes a deep breath and then, at a really fast pace, begins to speak.

"I'd like to know what you think about us having... carnal relations."

I laugh... Mike is the only person who would call sex "carnal relations." He looks at me curiously and I explain to him why I was laughing. He nods, then he continues.

"I remember that as a kid I did... some things which I now regret. I took advantage of you and didn't give you anything in return... and I'm afraid that if I tell you now how much I want you (and I do want you) you'll think I'm just another sex-hungry guy... even if I'm not. I think that sex is indeed a very fun and pleasurable act... but that's not why I started dating you... I'm here because I love you and I care for you and I want to be here for you when you need me. So it's pretty much up to you how far we go... I just don't want to force you or make you feel pressured to do this..."

He falls silent and I look into his eyes... he's worried. Why is he worried? Is he afraid that I'll catch him in a lie? What is he lying about then, if anything? Maybe he's just worried about what I'm going to say.

I really don't want to make this decision... I want him to. It's obvious he wants it, but I think he wants me to make the first move. Mike's not really much to look at... he could lose some weight and he just doesn't have what it takes to be a hunk. But does it really matter to me?

I look deep into my heart and find that, no it doesn't matter.

"I understand Mike. I'm not quite ready... but when I am, I'll tell you."

What am I saying... I want him to take me right here... but no, we'll wait until the time is right.

"Alright" he says "That's all I ask."

He holds me tightly against his chest and I give a sigh of joy.

Time flies by and soon I look outside to see that night has fallen. Mike suggests that we move outside to gaze up at the stars.

I love the night and I think he does too... so I agree.

Every time that we've done this, Mike always says that well-known rhyme that every child learns at one point.

Starlight, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight

Then he mouths his wish, which I can never make out... and he always refuses to tell me about it.

Tonight, he remains silent though. He smiles to himself as if thinking of a private little joke.

"Aren't you going to make your wish, Mike?" I ask.

"No."

"Why not?"

He remains silent for a moment, as if trying to decide how to best answer my question... then he looks at me and smiles. He reaches over to embrace me and whispers in my ear...

"It already came true."

I was his wish? I know that he's not joking... but me? How can he wish for me... I'm so fucked up... out of all the women in the world, why me? But I know he's not joking... and I don't care about the why only that he does love me.

He holds me tightly and we remain silent, enjoying the moment that I wish could last into eternity.

But midnight comes quickly and we have to return inside.

I'm tired, as is he, so we put on a movie that we both love called Queen of the Damned. The book is better but the movie is still pretty good. We sit cuddling on the couch and I think to myself "I love him so much... all he wants is to be here with me, holding me. Why don't I tell him? He'll understand" and then I fall asleep.



**********
































Interlude


























Three years go by. Mike and Bridget continue their relationship and their evenings together pass much like the one just described... except that neither admits that the love the other again... indeed this is the only time that the words 'I love you" are spoken between them until.. well you will see what will happen. The deep, silent bond between the grows and Bridget believes that Mike really is in love with her, as very few men can be. But love can cut as deeply as it can heal.



**********











































Part II





Bridget - 2006

















September 18th, 2006

My doorbell rings.

I'm caught in mid-verse of a song, so I walk over to the button and press it, then turn off the music. Mike, who has grown so much more handsome in the three years since we started dating knocks and then enters after I open the door. He always knocks and waits for me to open the door before entering, gentleman that he is.

"Happy anniversary" he says, with a smile, as he hands me my gift.

I smile back and say "Thanks."

His gift, I throw on the table, because I want to give him mine.

I have a very special gift for him today and I try not to giggle as I imagine his reaction.

He sits carefully on the couch as he has always done. I sit beside him, lean over, hug him, then I bite his arm lightly.

He doesn't know what this means... I promised him I'd tell him and I never got around to it.

What it means is that I'm horny. Why do I bite instead of something more... normal? I don’t know... it's just something I like to do, I guess.

I look into Mikes eyes and see that he's enjoying it. I release my hold on him and, in quiet words, say the two words that I've been wanting to say to him for three years.

"It's time."

I unbutton my shirt and drop it on the floor beside us. Mike slides out of his black shirt and throws it in the general direction of mine. I smile at him then reach behind my back to undo the clasps on my bra. I fumble for a few seconds... then sigh as Mike reaches around to help. I've never been able to undo my bras behind my back... I always turn them around and undo them in the front. Mike succeeds where I failed and my black, silk bra falls to the floor beside us, on top of his shirt.







I hug him and feel him hugging me back as I play with his amulet and wonder what it means really. He reaches down to my black jeans and plays with the button while looking at me with a question in his eyes. I nod and he undoes the button and pulls down the zipper, then pulls them off... and sees my black silk panties. I know how much he loves black silk... and he runs his fingertips across them lovingly. I reach down to his pants and pull them down after undoing his belt, his button and his zipper. He blushes as it springs out.

He sniffs the air then looks at me with a look in his eyes. I laugh because I know what he is smelling and I blush. He smiles and hugs me again, then he whispers into my ear "Don't worry... I'll be gentle." I snort and whisper back "But I won't!" I shove his boxers down and pull my panties off and then impale myself upon him. He groans in pleasure as do I. He kisses me as he begins to thrust into me. Pure ecstasy fills me as I begin to bite his lips, his earlobes, and his face. I leave deep scratches in his arm as I claw him in my pleasure. He loves it, I can see that in his eyes. Together, we scream as we orgasm and collapse, sated, on the couch. We lie together and I stare deep into his eyes, knowing that he loves me.

I think about what we've done. Is it right or a terrible sin, as my mother believes. Of course, she must never know of this... she'd kill us both.

But is it right? I think it is and I have no regrets. I snuggle close to him.

I've waited and wanted him since I was 14. Finally I have who I want... and more than anything I want to whisper the words "I love you" into his ear... but instead, I hug him tightly.

"Any regrets?" I ask him.

"Not a one" he says and then he kisses me.

We lie together in silence, letting the moment last. I wish it would last into infinity... though I know that it won't

Finally, exhausted by the nights events, I fall asleep in Mikes arms.

**********







September 20th, 2006

My mother dies in my arms.

I've known for a while that it was coming, but it's still a shock. For the fourth time in my entire life I break down in tears... and where is mike anyways? He should be here, with me. When I have composed myself, I set out to look for him.

I look everywhere; the parking lot, the waiting rooms and the tiny conference room... but with no luck. Where can be he be, when I need him the most?

I find him in the cafeteria, drinking coffee, with his arm around Freya... her real name is Gertrude, but everyone calls her Freya. I'm not certain of the story behind the nickname. I'm about to go over to them when she kisses him and hugs him. A fury within me begins to build. What, am I that bad in bed? Did I do something wrong? Did he ever love me or was it all a lie? Three years of lying! And now he's off bopping some chick! A great darkness begins to build within me as well. I'd lost my mother... and I've lost Mike to a whore! Well... we'll see about that. I begin to cry again as I run out of the room.

I find myself back at my house. I don't remember how I got here, but I know what I must do. I call Mike and invite him over, as if I hadn't seen him with Freya. He agrees.

Thoughts run through my head at a lightning pace. I'd been betrayed... abandoned and used by everyone! What was left for me? My hearts is in pieces... the only person I'd ever loved with all my heart had used me. I know now I should have never let him in. Life was so much easier alone. He probably brags to his friends about how he's "doing me"... well soon, I won't care. I'll be alone forever and he will have to live with the guilt of what he's done to me. He'll be sorry.

I run into my room and find my sword. He and I have matching swords, because we're both interested in medieval weaponry... and the swords are quite real. We got them for each other for our second anniversary. We laughed when we realized that we had both gotten the same sword. I walk to the living room and face the door, the sword poised above my gut. Mike enters the apartment through the open door and sees me standing there, holding the sword. I look him in the eye and say "You have betrayed me" and then plunge the sword into my gut. He gasps and tears fall from his eyes as he runs to the phone and dials 911. The he rushes to me.

"How have I betrayed you? How can I betray you? I love you!" he sobs "Oh, my love, my angel, what have I done?"

I mutter, because the pain is intense now, "Freya... and you... kissing... hospital..."

I see it in his face when he realizes just what I saw... he gasps and I feel just in my death... until he speaks.

"But we are only friends... her boyfriend had just left her... and her mother had just died... she needed me... and I was there for her... oh why did you not ask, all of it could have been explained away!" he says.

I look into his eyes and see that all that he says is true. Tears begin to fall from my eyes as I realize what I have done... So many regrets in my life... maybe it's not too late to fix one.

"Mu... Mike?"

"Shh," he says "save your strength."

"I... luv... love... yu... yu... you..."



**********



























Part III





Mike - 2003
















September 18th, 2003

Well, as my friend said, the best way is the direct way." Bridget says.

She reaches over and kisses me passionately. I think to myself; "I have waited seven years for this... and I am only just realizing now how much I really love her."

I really do love her... and my doubts about her have just been washed away. Before today, I was never sure how she felt about me. I had been getting little, subtle hints from her that she might still have feelings for me... and I had also been getting broader, blunter hints... no "hints" is the wrong word... statements that she despises me... or at least that we work better as friends. But those are all gone now.

I fall backwards on the couch, dragging her with me, loving her, needing her, wanting her.

Eventually we break apart and I gaze deep into her eyes, unable to read what is behind them. I pray that it is love... but fear that is it also. But I do see that she is lost in thought, and I wonder if she is regretting her actions.

"Are you regretting that?" I ask.

I have to wonder about this... it has happened before that a woman will take my love, twist it into a pretzel and then throw it out the proverbial window.

"No, just thinking" she replies.

About what I want to ask. But I refrain, fearing the truth. If she does not love me, what will I do? What can I do? Who else is there for me besides her? No one.

I love her so much. more than anything, I want our relationship to be like that of my close friend Freya (her real name is Gertrude, but if you call her that, she will rip your throat out) and her last boyfriend. They had a completely open relationship in which phrases of love were a common thing. Why did they break-up? Who knows... life twists in mysterious ways sometimes. I'm too afraid to say "I love you" to Bridget, because I do not think that she wants that kind of "mushy," if you will, relationship.

And what do I think? I love her. I want her more than anything. I want to tell her exactly what is in my heart, that I love her and care for her so much... that I have completely fallen for her... I cannot sleep... I barely eat. Without her I am lost. My dreams revolve around her, and my thoughts are all about her. I want her and I need her, but if I were to say any of these things to her face, she would probably laugh at me and call me a wuss.

But, no time to think about that now. I smile and say

"Your mom will be home soon... I better go."

"Alright" she replies.

I want to be able to stay more than anything in the world. I love her and I wish we could be together all the time. I wish that she would tell me she loves me. I know she does, but I want what Freya has so badly... for someone to say "I don't have to wish anymore" to me. For someone who will say she loves me all the time, or at least show it all the time, not only when we are alone... and not only through subtle, vague hints.

I get on my bike and ride off into the dark night, wondering if she really loves me or if it's all just a dream.

**********

September 20th, 2003

"Hi Bridget" I say as I see her walking into the backyard of her mothers church.

I'm helping to build a stage for Mass at her mothers church. Seeing her just makes me realize how much I love her and how much I've missed her in the 2 days we've been apart. The feeling she creates within me is something which only another person in love can know.

"Morning" she mutters in a tone which could be described as rude.

I wonder if it is something that I have done... had I offended her in some way or another? Or is it because she is here, helping to prepare for Mass when she is not a believer? I am only here because she has asked me to be here. Really, I am a person without religion, although Bridget insists on describing me as an atheist evolutionist, which I do not believe is true, as science is not a religion, is it?

The morning passes quickly, and we soon break for lunch. I see Bridget start walking out the door and I ask her where she is going. She tells me that she has to go pick up a cheque that her mother had forgotten at their apartment. Knowing how long a trip she must make, I offer her my bike for the ride.

"Just do not break it" I joke.

It is, after all, my Dads 400$ bike.

She thanks me and speeds off without a backwards glance.


I walk over to the mall with her mother. We wait outside for Bridget to reappear. Finally she does, grimacing in pain.

She has sheared her hamstring... again. Somehow I feel guilty about this... it is my bike after all. I try to hold back my concern for her, knowing she would just see it as pity which she does not want. She sees it as a sign of weakness I think.

Lunch, for me, is poutine. Not the best poutine that I've had, but far from the worst. Bridget eats a salad while looking thoughtful. I wish I could read her thoughts. It would be so much simpler... life that is. Not to have to worry about lies or deceit.. which life is full of. I do not know why... perhaps it is merely another mystery of life to which I will never find the answer.

We finish eating and Bridget lights up a cigarette while we wait for her mother to finish her liver and onions.

As we sit and stare at each other, I am almost overcome by a strong desire to kiss her and tell her everything about me. Why do I resist? We have known each other for nearly a decade... Freya and I have known each other for only ten months and I can tell her everything... my secrets, my dreams, my doubts and my hopes. She knows all about Bridget... so why can't Bridget know all about Bridget?

Her mother finishes and we walk outside where she calls for a taxi as I get on my bike for my ride back to Bridget's apartment.

Later that evening, we sit on the couch and watch a movie together. I put my arm around her and she slides her head onto my shoulder. I take her hand in mine and we lie together, absorbing the film. I love this moment so much... I never want to be anywhere else except here, with her, like this. I have never felt as loved or as wanted as I do at this moment.

The sound of the movie is all that disturbs the room. Neither her nor I speak. Words are needed... or are they? I want to tell her that I love her so much but my fear of her mocking my feelings keeps me from speaking.

I sneeze. Lousy allergies. I hate them so much. Plus I have a cold, which does not help any... but some minor discomfort is a small price to pay for a night with my angel. I fall asleep, holding her tightly in my arms.

**********





September 25th, 2003

"Sorry Mike, I have pneumonia."

"Oh... that is my fault... I am terribly sorry."

"It's okay... well... goodnight, Mike."

"Goodnight... get well soon."

I hang up the phone. Well I guess I can wait awhile to talk to her... if I am going to talk with her. But the weeks without her are going to be hard.

**********

September 27th, 2003

I have decided, from talking with Freya, that I am going to talk with Bridget. Freya has always been there for me, throughout the dark hours of my life and she has brought me out of my self-pity that I was trapped in for so many years. And I love her for it. If her boyfriend and Bridget did not exist... who knows what might have happened. But they do, and there is no use wishing for something which can never be. She understands me perfectly though and she has always helped me through these "crises" of mine.

What am I going to talk to Bridget about? About my love for her... and about sex.

I even know why I feel the way I do about sex, which is rare. Most people do not know themselves as well as I know myself. During my childhood, I was sexually active... if you could call it that. I have seen my share, more than my share even, of naked women... well girls really. And we did stuff, like all children do, explore and question what things are for... but with Bridget, I never gave her what she gave me. I've seen her naked about... 50 times at least and she has seen me naked... never. I'm not bragging about it. I took advantage of her and I regret it to this day. Indeed, it is one of the things that I regret the most in my life. After three years of this, I suspect that Bridget got frustrated with me... and so she left. For the years afterwards, I tried to find a way to tell her that I was sorry. Countless times, I have picked up the phone.. and countless times I have put it back down. I used to sit and stare at her house, hoping that she would see me. I prayed for her to call me. I wished upon a star for our reunion every night... but it never happened. Finally I grew resigned to the fact that we would never see each other again.






But all of this had a positive effect on me, in addition to the negative one. I came to realize the feeling of losing someone you love in the worst way possible at a young age and through this realization, I reached maturity much faster than most people do. I understand at my young age of sixteen what it means to love somebody and I believe I am capable of far stronger and deeper emotions than most people my age. Not that anyone sees them. I say most because there are other exceptions... Freya for example. But... I look around me and I see teenagers obsessed with getting laid and I have to laugh. There is so much more to love than sex... and if they cannot see that, it is their loss. But... there are times when I am tempted, through flirtatious women or through simple depression, to join them. I do not want to mistake lust for love... nor do I want to appear as if I think love is all about sex. But there are times when I think "What does it matter, waiting for the right woman" and I want to plunge deep into dating. But I have been strong so far and hopefully I will continue to be so. Sex is merely... an interesting and fun part of love which is not needed for love to exist. Sex is the spice of love, if you will, where the feeling behind it all is the meat.

I go online and play solitaire until Bridget appears. We chat for a little bit about inconsequential things, then I send her the following message.

"Bridget, there is something that I would like to talk to you about, alone, and, although I would be more comfortable doing this online, I think that I should do it in person."

She asks me what about and I have to say that she will find out later, because any explanation I can give her will tell her what I want to talk about... and I want to wait until I can explain fully, to be sure that there are no misunderstandings.

She agrees to remind me the next time we are alone together and I go off-line to start my homework, worrying about what she will say when she hears "I love you."

**********

October 4th, 2003

After bowling, I walk over to Bridget and say "Hello Bridget... mind if I come over tonight and we can have our little talk?"

"Sure" she says.

I'm frightened... she could easily ruin my whole life... but I have to go on with this.

"Excellent" I say, and turn to leave, while smiling at her.



I want to kiss her and hug her so much... but I'm afraid that public affection will make her feel... uncomfortable. She doesn't seem to want it, so I curb my desires. Always, I have given up what I want for another person... always I am ready to make that sacrifice.

I hit her doorbell later in the day, armed with my wits, my poetry and my speeches. As I enter her apartment, I smile at her, say hello, drop my coat on the chair near the door as I always do, then I sit on her couch and motion for her to sit beside me. My amulet bounces upon my chest as I sit.

My amulet is a black heart, made of a material that I forget the name of, rimmed in silver. It hangs upon a silver chain and I never take it off except to shower. Why do I always wear it? So that, no matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always have something to remember my angel and my love for her.

As she sits and looks at me expectantly, all the pretty words, poems and speeches fly from my head. I try to decide how to tell her and settle on the direct, blunt way.

I kiss her passionately, pushing her down onto her back. As she kisses back, I think about how lucky I am to have her... I break my lips from hers and whisper into her ear "I love you."

She pulls back and I think for a moment that she is angry with me... but then she looks into my eyes and I lower my guard for her, letting her see my love and compassion. She nods and pulls me back down. She holds me tightly and I snuggle against her shoulder... and then I hear her whisper to me the words I've wanted to hear from her for so long.

"I love you, too."

I gather her up in the strongest embrace I can muster as I am filled with joy and contentment.

We sit back up after a while and I lean against the armrest. She lies between my legs, her head upon my chest. I tell her how I do not want to force her into doing anything that she does not want to do... like having "carnal relations." She laughs at that... my use of the words "carnal relations." I smile. I've never been able to use the word "sex" when talking to women... I don't want to look like a pervert, but I also like to avoid using the more obscene words in the English language around them. Why? I don't know... some concept of honour I have, I suppose.

I fall silent and wait for her answer. I love her... but if she does not understand me, then I do not know if I will still want her. Can I live with someone who cannot understand the concept of love as I understand it? I try and think of alternatives. There is Juliana... who said that she would date me, if only there was a spark between us... maybe I could create a spark... or maybe she was lying and there really is a spark and she just does not want to come between me and Bridget. And I know that Freya will always be there for me, in her role as loving friend, advisor and confidante.

"I understand Mike. I'm not quite ready... but when I am ready, I'll tell you." she says.

My heart soars... she understands!

"Alright, that is all I ask for" I say, trying to hold back my emotions.

I hug her tightly as my brain begins to digest her words.

I am glad that she is making this decision, because I really do not want to. I am ready for it, but I do not want to pressure her, or make her feel pressured into doing something that she does not want to do.

If I were making this decision... well... we would be on the floor, because even I have hormones and the usual needs. And I love her. I really believe that she is my one... and I know that she is angel. She is beautiful, though I suspect that if I were to tell her this, she would be angry. Not beautiful, like most people would say. Bridget is not supermodel thin, nor do I want her to be. She is right where I want her to be. Her looks are almost tomboyish... but I love them. And her mind! Such a mind... she is smarter than I am at most things and I consider myself to be fairly smart. I can use any word in the English language and she will know what it means... and sometimes she corrects my usage of a word. I cannot accomplish that and I doubt that anyone else I know could either.

I am completely in love with her... and I want to make love to her. Sex is, in my mind, an intimate act, more intimate than anything else you can imagine. You have to open yourself completely to the other person, open your most private and sensitive of areas and you must risk the rejection that is always a possibility.

I see that night has fallen while we were talking and I ask her if she wants to step outside to go stargazing.

She accepts, of course. She loves the night almost as much as I do.

Why do I love the night? The romantic ness of it and the beauty of it for sure... but I cannot fully explain my love of the night. It reminds me so much of myself, dark with a few light spots.

But I know that I love stargazing, especially with my angel. To just hold each other and stare up into infinity.

Every time that I go outside at night, since Bridget and I first broke up, so many years ago, I have always said the same thing...

Starlight, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight

Then, if I am alone, I say my wish, or I mouth it if there are people nearby. My wish has always been the same, night after night.

"I wish for Bridget to love me."

Tonight, there is nothing for me to wish for... for I have Bridget. I smile while thinking about her and how lucky I am to finally have her.

Bridget looks at me in the darkness.

"Aren't you going to make a wish, Mike?"

Ah, she noticed then, on the previous occasions we've gone stargazing, that I always make a wish.

"No" I reply.

"Why not?"

I think about it for a second, then decide, what the hell, she deserves to know.

I turn to look at her and I smile... then I reach over and embrace her.

"My wish already came true."

I see, at first, confusion in her eyes, then she realizes what I am saying. She looks shocked.

I hold her tightly, wishing that this moment would never end.

But midnight comes quickly, and we have to go back inside. I think that it is stupid... what kind of rapist is going to go after the two of us on her front porch? But I do not argue with her mother.

We are both tired, so I put on Queen of the Damned. We sit cuddling on the couch. I am probably one the few men who likes to cuddle... scratch "likes" insert "loves." She falls asleep halfway through the movie and I gaze at her face. She's pretty in her own way... not a girly-girl. But I love her looks, her body and her mind. We could argue philosophy, theology or science and actually have a two way argument. I love her for all these things... her looks, her brain... but also because the spar is there. I love being with her. I love the feelings she creates within me. I even love it when she bites me. I fall asleep in mid-thought.

**********

Interlude

Three years pass. Mike and Bridget’s love for each other continues to grow, but it is not expressed. Their evenings together are much like the one just described... but the words "I love you" are not spoken again until... well you will see what happens.

Mike grows more sure of his love for Bridget... but he, being slightly paranoid, still has a few doubts about her love, but he ignores these doubts in favour of being happy.



**********

Now read part two:

Starlight, Starbright (Parts IV and V)  (GC) The final two parts of my story about how my angel dies. #764435 by Dark Elf Poet

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