Brotherly Love

My parents stand over the coffin and sob in each other’s arms. I feel truly and deeply sorry for them. I wish I could make things right for them, but of course, it’s too late now. I want to give my mum a hug and stop her tears but I can’t reach her. Her desperate sobbing is painful to listen to. But it’s what you’d expect. Her only son, lying cold and lifeless in front of her. Her only daughter, gone just two months before. I’m sorry Mum. I’d come back if I could.

********

I’d always loved my sister. We’d always had a special connection that most siblings seemed to lack. Of course we had minor squabbles while growing up, over things like whose turn it was to do the washing up. We always made up though, it was never serious.
          I remember when she was born. I was two years old, sitting on the end of the hospital bed, looking at my mum’s red, tear stained face and wondering what was screaming in her arms. Katherine fascinated me. I would sit by her cot for hours watching her sleep. When she cried, I cried too. I didn’t understand why I was doing it, it just seemed right. As we grew up, we played together because there was no one else around. When you live in the countryside, games mostly consist of imaginary games or hide and seek.
          One day we were playing hide and seek on our neighbours farm and Katherine wandered off. I searched the fields for hours and hours, before returning home, exhausted, to find her sitting in the kitchen, eating supper. I didn’t feel angry with her. I just felt relieved that she was OK. I ran to her and hugged her tightly, refusing to let her go. She looked at me like I was crazy and pushed me away so she could continue eating. My mum had been worried about me but when I told her where I had been she said that I was a very devoted brother and Kat should be proud to be my sister. I liked hearing that, it made me feel important.
          When we went to school I’d always stick up for her if she got into trouble. If anyone gave her a hard time I’d make sure they regretted it and didn’t do it again. Sometimes I’d pause from a game of football to watch her playing with her friends, and seeing her laugh would make me happy. I’d give her the chocolate from my lunchbox because I felt she deserved it more than me.
          As we got older and puberty set in, we’d sit and talk for ages. We told each other secrets and gave insights to each other into the opposite sex. I learnt a lot from her about how girls thought and why they behaved the way they did. She was the reason I was always quite popular with the girls in my class, they all wanted to be my friends. When she had arguments with friends I’d comfort her and if a boy she liked had asked out someone else, I’d do something special to cheer her up. People always told us we were a very unusual pair.

And then things changed. She was 14 and I was 16. We were both growing up. I was well into puberty and enjoyed looking at pictures of half naked girls in soft porn magazines. She was just starting to develop. Soft curves began forming on the previously boyish figure. Her cheeks became rosier and her face took on a more feminine charm. She started wearing her silky blonde hair in different styles from the normal ponytail and seemed to take hours in the bathroom every morning. She had always been a pretty child but she grew more beautiful with every day that passed and I was proud to call her my sister.
          We’d both had boyfriends and girlfriends before but nothing serious. The kinds of childish friendships where you hold hands and kiss each other on the cheek before blushing and running away. Being older, I’d had a few more serious girlfriends, but nothing long term. I always preferred Katherine’s company and as soon as a girl appeared to be interfering in our relationship, I would let her go.
          Then Josh appeared. I knew she liked him a lot because she was always really happy after seeing him or talking to him on the phone. When he came to the house they would be constantly touching and kissing. She saw him nearly every day and started staying out later and later just to spend more time with him. I wanted her to be happy, I didn’t want to have a problem with it, but I couldn’t help feeling like something wasn’t right. I’d always been quite protective over her and if I didn’t like one of her boyfriends I would tell her. She’d always taken my advice and found someone else.
          I didn’t say anything until her behaviour towards me started changing quite dramatically. She had always had a calm, quiet persona but she was getting increasingly impatient and would get mad at me for no reason. I wanted to put it down to hormones but it just didn’t seem like my Katherine. Eventually she stopped sharing things with me. She wouldn’t tell me anything about what she did while she was out or how her relationship with Josh was going. On top of that, there was something I didn’t like about Josh. He was 15, a year older than Katherine, and while being very attractive, there was something suspicious in his eyes. Whenever I spoke to him I always felt like he was keeping something from me. And whenever he, Katherine and I were together, he would brush me off like I was in the way. The worse part was, Katherine didn’t seem to mind.
          One evening, a rare occasion when Josh was somewhere else, I confronted Katherine while we were watching TV. I told her everything that had been on my mind and asked her to seriously consider if Josh was good for her. She sat in silence while I spoke and regarded the space on the wall in front of her for a while after I’d finished. I watched her expressionless face and waited, my heart beating loudly in my ears. Eventually, she turned to me and said coldly,
          “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not a little child anymore. I’m nearly 15 years old and I don’t need you to look after me. I am capable of making my own decisions and what I do with my spare time is absolutely none of your business. I appreciate the concern but I would also appreciate it if in future you would STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!” and with that, she ran upstairs into her bedroom and slammed the door.
          I sat, stunned. Not quite comprehending what had just happened. I felt alone and rejected. Suddenly, the one person who I’d always relied on to be there for me and make me feel whole, was gone. It felt like losing a part of myself, an organ that was crucial for my survival. For the first time in about four years, I cried. Katherine was right. She was growing up and I had no place in her life anymore. She ignored me over the next week and I moped around the house, not really eating, not really sleeping, just feeling desolate and miserable. It was a couple of weeks after that that the dreams started. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I suppose the beginning of it all was the day I needed some money.

********

It was raining. The ground was sodden and everything was saturated from three days of more or less consistent rain. My best friend rang me and asked if I would like to go and see and movie in town. I decided to go because I needed something to get me out of the house and make me feel better. It was a 40 minute walk into town, manageable on a sunny day but unthinkable on a day like this. There was a bus coming in 10 minutes and I needed to catch it if I was going to make the movie. The problem with living in the middle of nowhere is that if you don’t have something, there’s no easy way of getting it. On this occasion I didn’t have any money. I knew that once I was in town I could get money out of my bank for the movie but I needed 80p to get there.
          Katherine was upstairs in her bedroom with Josh. Both my parents were out for the day visiting friends. I frantically searched through the house, in drawers, under the sofa, in coats, in as many trouser pockets as I could lay my hands on. But no money. I was getting desperate. I shouted for Katherine. She didn’t answer. I couldn’t wait for her to come out of her room, I needed the money right then. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have dreamed of barging in on her, but when she had blatantly ignored five of my pleas for her to come out, I felt I had no choice.
          I knocked politely and opened her bedroom door. I quickly wished I hadn’t. There she was, lying on her bed with Josh on top of her. They were kissing frantically and his hand was caressing her exposed breast. As soon as I entered they stopped and looked up, expressions of horror on their faces. Katherine screamed and pulled her top up as quickly as she could. Josh got off her and stood up, looking angry and affronted. I was so shocked, I just froze. It was all I could do to stay standing.
          “What the hell do you think you’re doing??” Katherine yelled. “How dare you come marching into my room uninvited!” Josh had sat down and was now looking distinctly embarrassed. Katherine also looked very uncomfortable.
          “I’m sorry!” I stuttered. “I called and knocked first. I, I just needed some money.” My voice trailed away as Katherine’s look of revulsion wounded me to my soul. “I’m sorry.” I repeated before leaving the room and closing the door behind me. I went and lay down on my bed feeling disorientated and horrified. That was something I was not ready to see. She was too young. The image of her lying on the bed kept flashing in front of my eyes, vivid and horrifying. Emotions raged inside me drowning out all common sense: anger, disgust, sorrow… and something else. Something I couldn’t put my finger on until later.
          I just lay on my bed staring at the ceiling until I had calmed down. I had no idea how long I’d been there but the shadows in my bedroom had grown long and the light was fading. I walked downstairs, feeling like a zombie. Katherine was sitting at the kitchen table. She had been crying. I sat down with her and she looked at me with hatred in her eyes. “Josh left,” she spat bitterly. “He was so embarrassed.” I couldn’t say anything. Sorry seemed meaningless and after all, I had given her warning. I just looked at her beautiful face, hardened in anger, until she got up and walked upstairs.
          That night I lay awake for hours, tossing and turning. Eventually I drifted into a restless slumber and that was when they started. The dreams. The beginning of the end.

********

Two bodies entwined, sticky with sweat. Can’t make out who they are yet. A beautiful girl, blonde hair, pert breasts. A sigh of ecstasy escapes her full red lips. Now I recognise her. Katherine, my sister. I feel a surge of hatred and… jealousy? Yes, jealousy towards the guy with her. Is it Josh? No. Its… its me. Fuck. Why am I doing this to my sister?? I run my hand over her supple breast and feel intensely aroused. I want to feel what she’s like inside. I imagine it, soft, warm, wet. Oh God.
          I wake up with a start, sweating and breathless. I have a massive hard-on, which remains until I give in and do something about it. I feel dirty and perverted. The worst part is, I’m still aroused by my dream, and suddenly extremely jealous of Josh. How could I? My own sister. My little sister who I’ve loved and protected for 14 years. I don’t go back to sleep again that night.

********

The next morning at breakfast Katherine isn’t speaking to me. That’s fine by me; I can’t look at her anyway. Images from my dream flash up inside my head making me feel sick. I try to force down some cereal but there’s a huge lump in my throat that refuses to let anything past. I leave the house for school feeling confused and hungry. All day I can’t concentrate on lessons. I have to figure out a way to stop myself thinking of Katherine like… that. I think of all the times we shared together as children. As brother and sister. It helps a little, but the feeling I had in the dream still lingers on. Maybe I should talk to her. Apologise again for what happened and spend some time with her. Maybe then I’d relax and this feeling would go away.
          In the evening I go and sit with her while she watches TV. There’s an electric tension in the air. Or maybe it’s just my imagination. My throat is dry and the TV’s incessant babble is driving me crazy. Eventually I gather enough strength to speak.
          “Kat,” I say hoarsely, “We need to talk.” She looks at me expectantly. This better be good. “Umm… look, I just wanted to say…” I hesitate. She raises an eyebrow and cocks her head. Her eyes look beautiful when they glint with anger. Stop it! “Umm… I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to walk in on you and Josh yesterday. I did call a few times first but I guess you didn’t hear me. I wouldn’t normally have come in I just needed some money and…” I was babbling. I stopped and took a deep breath. A smile crept across her face.
          “Its OK, Dan,” she replied. “Josh and I have made up now anyway, but he was really embarrassed. I was just waiting for you to apologise.” Oh. Right.
          “So you’re not angry with me any more?” She laughs. She has a beautiful smile.
          “Of course not. I’m glad we’ve made up, I hate fighting with you.”
          “Yeah, me too. I hated it too.” I suppose I should feel some sort of relief but nothing changes. She and Josh made up? I was subconsciously hoping that they’d realise they were too young for all that and would break up. How dumb am I! Katherine returns to watching TV. She could be a model if she wanted. I wish I could touch her hair. Agh! Stop!!

That night she comes into my rooms after I’m asleep. She’s cold. She asks if she can come into my bed to warm up. I pull back the sheets and she slides down next to me. She snuggles into me and runs her hand over my back. She’s smiling as she brings her mouth towards mine and kisses me gently. Her lips are soft and sweet and her tongue is warm as it flickers in and out of my mouth. I pull her towards me and our kiss becomes deeper and more passionate. She looks intensely into my eyes and tells me she’s wanted me for months. I slide my hand under her top. Her skin is silky underneath. She strokes my penis through my boxers and it becomes rock hard. I close my eyes and sigh.

I wake up. Sweating again. Fuck! I feel nauseous. I go into the bathroom and make myself throw up. I still have a hard-on. I get rid of it and go back to bed. 2am. I lay staring at the wall for the rest of the night.

********

Two days later Katherine asks me if I want to go into town with her. She needs to buy some shoes and all her friends are busy. Not many brothers would want to go shopping with their little sister but a couple of weeks ago I would have been more than happy to go along. Things are different now. She looks a little disappointed at my hesitation. I try desperately to think of an excuse and feel beads of sweat form on my brow. She looks into my eyes for a moment that seems to stretch on into eternity and finally speaks.
          “Dan?” She has a look of concern on her face. “Is everything OK with you? You’ve been acting a bit strangely lately and you’re not looking at all well. Kinda pale.”
          “Well, to be honest Kat, I haven’t been feeling all that great. In fact, I don’t think I’m really up to a shopping trip right now. Sorry.” Thank God! She came up with an excuse for me!
          “Oh that’s OK. Why don’t you go to bed and I’ll bring you something to eat later on.” She smiles and touches my arm. My skin tingles under her hand and I can feel blood rushing into my lap. I have to get out of there.
          “Yeah. Sure. That’s probably a good idea.” I spend the rest of the day reading in my room. I’m bored but I can’t face going downstairs and seeing her again. That night I don’t sleep at all. I don’t want any more dreams.

The insomnia makes everything distant. My head is floating six feet above my body and every sound is muffled by cotton wool. I’m living in a dream and I can’t wake up. I’m not really here. I’m a shadow, a shell, a reflection of Dan. I drink coffee constantly to stay awake. I can’t let myself go to sleep because as soon as I close my eyes the dreams come. In school I can barely keep my eyes open. One day Katherine appears in my maths lesson.
          She walks into the classroom in knee high boots, a short skirt and a strappy top. I wonder why she’s not in uniform. The whole class stops and stares. She walks over to my desk and tells me that she can’t wait any longer. She wants me now. I push my chair back and she climbs on top of me. She’s not wearing any underwear under her skirt and I can feel her warmth through my thin school trousers. She unzips my flies and I slide my hand under her skirt. She’s so wet. I slide myself into her. The whole class is watching but I don’t care. I can’t stop. It feels so good. She’s kissing me and rubbing her breasts against my chest. I can barely contain my orgasm. She slides upwards on my penis and I come inside her immediately. She moans my name…
          “Daniel! Daniel! What’s the matter with you? I asked you a question!” I open my eyes to see Mr Hayes standing over my desk, his face a picture of annoyance. “Were you asleep Daniel? Do you have the nerve to fall asleep in my class??” I can’t think straight. Katherine isn’t there but there is a sticky mess inside my pants. Oh holy fuck. Mr Hayes is still shouting. Please don’t send me out. Please don’t make me stand up. “Go and see the headmaster NOW!” Shit. “Can you hear me Daniel? I said NOW!” I pick up my books and hold them in front of me as I leave the classroom. I hear sniggers from the other students. I make a detour to the toilets on the way to the headmaster’s office.

I arrive home to find my parents sitting at the kitchen table talking in hushed tones. They stop when I walk in and ask me to join them. I already know what this is about. The school called, Daniel. We’re very worried about you, Daniel. Are you ill, Daniel? Are you taking drugs, Daniel? What the fuck am I supposed to tell them?
          “No, I’m not on drugs and I’m not ill. I haven’t been sleeping. I don’t know why. I just can’t sleep.” My parents exchange a look. They ask if I’d like to see a counsellor? No thank you. Would I like to try anti-depressants? No thank you. They eventually decide to send me to the doctor to get some sleeping tablets. I don’t want to sleep but I can’t stay awake forever. A few pills later I’m crashed out on my bed. No dreams. Just silent, peaceful sleep.
          I wake up the next morning feeling a hundred times better. I eat breakfast with Katherine who seems pleased that there’s nothing seriously wrong with me. She tells me she was very worried about me and I feel pleased that she still cares even after what I’ve been doing to her. Although, of course she doesn’t know what I’ve been doing to her. Anyway, things improve over the next few weeks and even though I still catch myself admiring Katherine’s beauty, the dreams stop. That is, until the pills run out.

********

I managed to cope pretty well with the help of the pills. If I started thinking about Katherine, I’d force myself to do something else. My grades improved a bit because I found that schoolwork was a good distraction since it required concentration. I didn’t feel so awkward around Katherine anymore and although I still loathed the sight of Josh, I just avoided them when they were together. I spent lots of time out with my friends. I had a lot of fun really. Katherine seemed to be having fun too. She had a new glow to her. I tried not to think about what that might mean.
          Then, the week before Katherine’s birthday, they ran out. My sleeping pills. My lifeline. I went back to the doctor and asked for some more but he told me it wasn’t healthy to stay on them for long. I had to try and get some good natural sleep. I begged and pleaded but he refused to be swayed. He suggested that if I was having bad dreams I should talk to a psychiatrist. Fuck that. I already know I’m going crazy. They’d probably put me in jail for incest or something.
          I tried not to panic. I’d managed fine up till now. How hard is it to sleep anyway. I’d never had a problem with it before. Lying in bed I try everything. I read until my eyes get tired. I listen to a CD on my Walkman. I go downstairs and watch TV. I count sheep. Nothing. I can’t do it. I remember some hay fever tablets we have in the cupboard, which are supposed to make you drowsy. My mum always complains they do anyway. I take a handful and close my eyes. The room seems to spin for a while but eventually I lose consciousness. Unfortunately, the tablets don’t have the effect I’m hoping for. Yes, I’m asleep, but I’m dreaming again, and this time I can’t wake up.

I’m coming up to my room to get ready for bed when I hear strange sounds coming from Katherine’s bedroom. I go in and find her sobbing on her bed. I sit down next to her and ask what’s wrong. She and Josh have broken up. He cheated on her with another girl. Asshole. The tears make her eyes look dazzling azure and I take her in my arms and cuddle her, trying to comfort her. Gradually her sobs slow until she’s lying sniffing in my arms. I sit up to leave but she asks me to hold her a little while longer. She’s not ready to be alone just yet. She snuggles into me and I stroke her silky hair. She looks up at me and our faces are inches apart. “I love you, Dan,” she whispers, before kissing me on the lips. I fight the feelings that are surging through my body. She keeps whispering and kissing me. “You’ve always been more to me than a brother, Dan.” More kisses. “Touch me, Dan.” I want her so badly. I summon my last ounce of strength but its not enough, I can’t resist her. I’m losing control, kissing her back, wanting her more and more. I fight it, try desperately to wake up, but I’m trapped. My dream fades into another.

Katherine’s having a bath. I need to use the loo but she won’t come out. She tells me to come in but not to look. I can’t wait so I do as she suggests. My eyes are straining to look at her wet, naked body but I fight the urges. As I’m leaving I hear her voice, low and seductive. “God I’m so horny Dan. Josh never satisfies me. What shall I do? Please help me.” I turn around to see her lying there, half concealed by bubbles. Her wet hair hangs round her face and her hand rests on her perfectly formed breast. My breath catches in my throat and my knees feel weak. I walk towards her slowly. When I reach the bath she takes my hand and slides it under the water. She rubs my finger over her clitoris, masturbating herself. I can’t breathe. I can’t take it anymore. I give in. I rip my clothes off with my free hand and climb into the bath with her. She slides her legs around me and I slip inside her. My hands are running over her back, her breasts, up and down her legs. I kiss her as I push myself deep inside her. She leans her head back and moans with pleasure. She feels so good. Water is going everywhere. Our wet, slippery bodies slide over each other as we work ourselves into a frenzy. Her moans become loader and louder and she cries out in pleasure as she climaxes. Her body shivers and the contractions of her vagina make me come hard. I’m moaning too and I don’t want it to stop. She keeps going and I come again, pressing myself against her and biting down on her neck to contain my excitement. It’s over. We lie back in the water, stroking each other and kissing. I want to hold her forever. I wish this moment would never end.

But it does. I wake up, my boxers a sticky mess, my bed drenched in sweat. I don’t even feel disgusted with myself anymore. I’m emotionally exhausted and my head is throbbing from over dosing on those pills. The sun is just peeping over the horizon and birds are beginning to chirp in the trees. I creep into Katherine’s room and stand by her bed watching her sleep. She looks like an angel. So innocent. So different from the Katherine in my dream. A tear of despair slides down my cheek. I hate myself.

********

Katherine’s excited. She is sitting at the kitchen table with our parents, planning the final details of her birthday party. I still haven’t got her a present but I haven’t been out of the house all week so I haven’t really had a chance. I’ve had flu. Well, I’ve been pretending to have flu while being tortured in my own personal hell. With all the excitement and activity, nobody’s really noticed anything unusual.
          I honestly don’t know how long I can keep this up. My world is crumbling around my ears. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I despise myself for the way I feel but there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to see a psychiatrist. They can’t take me away from my family. They can’t take me away from Katherine.
          I’ve decided I need to talk to her. I need to confess how I feel to her. I know she’ll hate me for it. I know it’s not a good time. But I can’t wait any longer. I’m going insane! I’ve been waiting for a good moment for two days now. Finally, she takes a break from party planning and sits down next to me on the sofa.
          “How are you feeling?” She’s so caring. She genuinely cares about me. I hesitate, knowing that as soon as I tell her how I feel, all of that will be lost. I need to though; I can’t keep this to myself any longer. Maybe she’ll feel the same. Maybe she’ll be pleased and she’s wanted me as much as I’ve wanted her.
          “Dan?” I’ve been staring at her for too long. I have to speak. Words… words…
          “Kat,” she waits expectantly, “Umm, listen.” She’s listening. Oh shit. Sweat is breaking out all over me. My heart is beating at 1000 miles per hour. “I have something I need to tell you. It’s really important but I’m not sure you’re going to like it.” She looks concerned.
          “You can tell me anything, Dan, you know that.” I take a deep breath. My throat is dry and my hands are shaking.
          “OK, look, don’t say anything until I’ve finished. I really hope you don’t hate me for this. If you do… just forget I said it.” That was pointless, what I’m about to tell her won’t be easily forgotten! She’s looking confused, I better get to the point. “OK, the thing is, Kat, I-”
          BRRRRRR! Fuck! The doorbell rings and Katherine’s attention is lost. I pray it’s not for her, I need to finish this.
          “Happy birthday honey!!” It’s her two best friends.
          “Oh my god, I totally forgot you guys were coming!” Katherine squeals. She pauses and looks at me. Why did they have to come now?? “I’m sorry Dan, we’ll talk later OK?” I don’t reply.
          Katherine leaves the house with her friends to go shopping. My heart has exploded in my chest and is splattered all over the inside of my rib cage. Shit.

********

I don’t know how long I’ve been lying here for. I need Katherine to come home so I can finish what I started. Confessing is the only way I can end this torment. And if I don’t do it soon I’m going to go mad. Suddenly, my mum rushes into my bedroom. Her dark eyes are wide and full of tears. Her face is ashen.
          “Dan, you have to come quickly, get in the car!” She rushes back out. Come where? Why? What’s wrong? My head is spinning as I run downstairs and join my parents in the hallway. I glance at the clock, its 11.30pm. My dad is getting into the car in his slippers and my mum has mascara streaking her cheeks.
          “What’s the matter?” I demand, “What’s happened? Where’s Katherine?” And then I begin to panic. Why isn’t she home yet? What if something’s happened to her? I climb into the car, tears of anticipation choking me. “Dad, what’s going on?” Accelerating dangerously fast out of the drive, he replies:
          “We’ve just received a call from the hospital. Katherine’s been involved in an accident. She was on the bus on the way home from town, when it collided with a car. She’s unconscious and critical.” Everything freezes. I can’t breathe. Everything is silent except for the roar in my head. Dad’s words go round and round in my head: ‘unconscious and critical.’ ‘unconscious and critical’
          The next couple of hours fly by. The hospital is busy with the multiple casualties from the accident. Doctors hurry about with clipboards, relatives cry, telephones ring, I wait. My brain has shut down. All I can register is that Katherine is in surgery. Unconscious and critical. I need to see her. I need to be with her. I need to look after her. Eventually a doctor approaches us looking forlorn. My parents, both looking worse for wear, sit up expectantly. We are invited into a small, private relatives room and sat down. I’ve watched enough episodes of Casualty to know that that’s not good. The doctors sits and pauses for a second before speaking.
          “I’m deeply sorry to have to inform you of this,” he tells my parents, “But I’m afraid your daughter has passed away. We did everything we could. You can see her if you wish.” Tears stream in torrents down my cheeks. In the distance I can hear my parents wailing. A white-hot pain sears through my entire body causing me to double over involuntarily. My chest contracts so that I can’t breathe at all. The room is spinning. I feel sick.

********

Two hours later and I’ve finally calmed down enough to be spoken to rationally. They had to call in security to control me but I feel better now. Not better. That’s the wrong word. Calmer. On the outside anyway, my insides are still in turmoil. My parents have both been to say goodbye to Katherine. I don’t know if I can cope with seeing her right now, but I know I’ll regret it if I don’t. A young nurse leads me down a naked corridor to a cold, dimly lit. In the middle of the room lies a hospital bed covered with a sheet. I ask if I can be left alone and the nurse leaves.
          I stand dumbly for a minute, not sure what to do. Slowly, I approach the bed and peel back the sheet. Katherine is lying there, pale and lifeless. Her face is swollen and covered in cuts. Dried blood streaks her flaxen hair. She looks peaceful despite her painful disfigurement. I stroke her cheek and gently kiss her lips. They are cold and rigid. My pain overwhelms me once again and I drop to my knees, sobbing. I hold her hand tightly in mine as I try to talk to her through my tears. I try to apologise, try to tell her how I feel. I know that she can’t hear me and that I’m not making any sense but I have to tell her. She has to know that I’m sorry.
          My sobs slow and eventually cease as the horrifying realisation sinks in. It’s too late. She’ll never know. I will have to carry this disgusting secret with me forever. Never able to confess, never able to make it OK. And even worse, I’d lost my sister, my soul mate. We’d never be able to share things any more. Never again would I see her beautiful smile, see the sunlight dance on her crown of hair, see the love in her eyes when she looked at me. Right there, on the hospital floor, I lost my will to live.

********

The next few weeks were a blur. I went to bed as soon as I got home from the hospital and refused to move. I never spoke. I barely ate; food had become tasteless so I just ate what I needed to survive. I hadn’t showered so I smelt revolting. My eyes were bloodshot from crying and I was frightening to look at. But I didn’t care. I knew I should be trying to be strong and support my parents but I couldn’t do it. I was locked in a world of anguish and despair. Nothing could comfort me and nothing would ever be right again.
          I attended Katherine’s funeral as the silent brother. I washed, shaved and dressed in a smart black suit. I stood like a zombie throughout, not speaking to anyone. I didn’t even cry. I had no more tears left except those on the inside. I refused to go to the wake afterwards, I retreated home to my bed, much to the distress of my parents. Of course they were concerned about me. I was sorry but I was into much pain to do anything. Let alone pretend everything was alright.
          The dreams had stopped. That was one thing I could be grateful for, but it seemed insignificant now. There was no differentiation between sleep and awake. It was all just a haze, in which time had no meaning. The hole Katherine had ripped in my chest grew day by day, engulfing me in its blackness. After three weeks I was no longer a human being. Just a bruised and battered shell with nothing inside except an expanding emptiness filled with hatred. It was an emptiness that stretched on into eternity and eventually, it swallowed me up.
          One night, I sat up in bed, quite suddenly and unexpectedly. I wasn’t sure why I had moved and blood rushed to my head from the excursion. I moved involuntarily to the top drawer of my desk where I kept the penknife that my dad had given me for my fourteenth birthday. I wasn’t totally aware of what I was doing. All I knew was that I had to end this pain. This torture that refused to end, but kept gnawing at me, never giving me a moment’s peace.
          As I unfolded the blade, a poem came into my head that Katherine had written on a folder somewhere:
          ‘I’m going to write a poem, a poem with a twist,
          I’ll write it with a razor blade, I’ll write it on my wrist,
          And if I write it properly a fountain should appear,
          And with this pretty fountain, my troubles disappear.’
Troubles disappear. Yes. I’d finally be at peace. I’d be with Katherine again.
          The sharp knife gleamed in the moonlight. I contemplated it for a second; it looked friendly and inviting. It seemed to whisper “I can help you, I can make everything better.” I placed the point of the blade in the centre of my wrist and made a deep incision vertically up my arm. Crimson velvet spilled out, spurting in time with my pulse and spilling over my arm onto my blue bed sheets. I watched the red river with fascination as my arm throbbed. I suppose it must have been painful but I didn’t notice. Compared to how I was feeling inside, it was nothing.
          I repeated the process with my other arm and lay back onto my bed as my head started to spin. I felt light and free. My sorrow spilled onto bed, soaked into the sheets, through to the mattress, and left me contented and peaceful. I closed my eyes and floated into the air. A smile spread across my face as darkness covered everything. And then there was nothing. Blissful nothing. Dan, the boy I had come to hate with all my passion, was gone.

********

So, here I am, watching my parents go through their second funeral of the month. I wish I could do something to make up for the pain I’d caused them, but it would have happened either way. I died with Katherine, that night in the hospital. Those next few weeks were just an imitation of life, going through the motions without really being there. I would have wasted away slowly anyway, stopped eating, or breathing. At least the way it happened was quick.
          I wish I’d walked into town in the rain. I wish I hadn’t gone into her room. I wish her friends had come 10 minutes later. I wish she’d missed her bus. But it’s too late for that now. My story is over. And I never did see that movie.