Releasing Pain

I do not call you dad, because you do not deserve it. I barely call you father. For years I wanted you in my life, I so desperately wanted to be "Daddy's Little Girl." I wanted you to come and take me away from the pain, heartache, and misery that was my everyday. But you never came. You never showed up. I searched for you. I looked for you everywhere. I kept thinking that one day you would show up at the front door and ask to be part of my life. You would say you were sorry for leaving me behind, and you would ask me to forgive you for not being there. And I would. I would forgive you for leaving me. For allowing me to grow up without ever knowing who you were. Oh, I knew your name and your birthday (heck, I even celebrated it once or twice), but you weren't real to me. I can't pick up the phone and call you when I need you. You weren't there to take me to the Father-Daughter Teas. You weren't there to stop the abuse. You weren't there when I graduated from head start, or kindergarten, or even 5th grade. Then I graduated from 8th grade, and you weren't there. You certainly weren't there when I graduated from high school. When I got my heart broke the first time, when I cried myself to sleep because some of my best guy friends were graduating, moving on, becoming someone, you weren't there to hold me. When my little sister graduated high school, her father was there. He's doing his best to be a dad to her. And you never even sent me a birthday card. At least he had a reason not to show up, but you don't. Because you don't want to be in my life, I don't know a bunch of my family. Because you are such a child, I don't know my own grandmother. You walked away. Why didn't you love me? Why didn't you fight to stay in my life? There were times when I needed you so much, and you weren't there. Because of the hole that you left in my heart I have sought love everywhere else. I've "adopted" friends' parents, just so I would know what it felt like to have a dad's love. I don't need you anymore and I'm almost to the point that I don't want you anymore. I have a wonderful family that loves me very much. There's an old saying that goes: "it takes an entire village to raise a child" and if all the men that love me like I was their daughter was to get together in one room, they would more than make up a village. And then add in all the women that love me like I was their daughter, you aren't needed. My momma loves me enough to more than make up for the lack of love that you have. My step-dad has done more than his share in making sure that I'm content. The parents of all my friends that I've "adopted" they all do their best to support me in almost every way.

Someday, you'll show up. The guilt will hit you so hard that you won't be able to stay away. By then, I won't want you either. I'm already to the point that I don't care if you're there when I graduate college, I don't want you there when I get married. You WILL NOT walk me down the aisle the day that I promise my life to another. I have a step-dad that loves the idea of being a grandpa. You may have been there when I was created, but you haven't been there since.