The Finest Being

“The Finest Being”

The Journey:

Part I: A Fish and A Sea are not easily parted.

“The best thing since fish grew legs!” Well, that’s what they say…and that took place a very long time ago. The Best Thing, The Finest Thing, The Finest One, The Finest Being, since our ancient ancestors left their watery home. Who is this being…the greatest since fins turned into limbs and gills to lungs? Do you know?

Going back… to those long hot days, many millions of years ago… The land was devoid of animals, no beings, fine or otherwise, walked upon the Earth’s surface. However, there were grasses; the many ferns and the primitive trees that would one day become forests of coal. The Earth’s oceans were brimming with far more life, both flora and fauna, and the time was nearing when some of the inhabitants of the water would leave their place.

A long time coming it was…such a long time and such a very long journey. The fish, both large and small, as well as many other types of sea life, all went about the business of living and dying, growing and changing in their home, and no calling was yet heard. Behind them…a voyage through time that felt as if it might last forever. And ahead, lay millions of years of change. An incredible evolution, beginning - with just a few steps.

Some of the creatures would eventually make their way toward the foamy shoreline, to face the rising tide, the jagged rocks and the searing heat of the Sun. Up and out … to the land that had so long eluded them. Out of the darkness, that dark blue pool of life (and death) so deep, that had held them for so long ... Held them prisoner. Yet somehow, had also kept them safe. The Sea … The sea that all of them, all of us, you and I had once called our home. A home of great dreams, yet constant danger; of grand wonders and terrifying horror. Yes, the sea was teeming with life, so many different kinds.

Most of the creatures would remain in their home, or simply fade away…. but not all. For as remarkable as all of these living things were, one stood out among the rest, the first one, and the one who would overcome the obstacles that lie before it to conquer the land. It had been chosen over hundreds of millions of years of natural selection. All of the others who had tried before - and failed - were all dead, lost forever. However, this little being was different, with primitive lungs and bony fins that more resembled stubby feet, perfect for exploring outside of the water. However, there was one more obstacle it had yet to pass, and this was fear.

The little lungfish floated to the water's surface, took a breath, and saw the grass growing from the sand dunes of the beach, seeming to dance in the wind…so appealing, so tempting…and quite inspiring. Behind this, it could see the dense forest and the secrets that it may hold. As it watched from afar it was still afraid to make the journey, after all, the ocean had been its home for so long and the land was so unfamiliar. It was very risky to leave. Nevertheless, it was such a wonderful view, so enticing with its mystery and beauty. It seemed to be calling out to the little amphibian, "my friend...it's time to go now", was the message received. Evolve or die, the creature thought.

And so it went, the first of many beings to come chose to leave that home, and its safety. It had to, after all this time; it was in its genes. There was no more hesitation; the risk would be worth it. And, as it slowly made the voyage ashore, it kept its eyes on the view of the beach, what lay behind it, and what miracles just may come of all this effort ... in time. And it wasn’t afraid at all.

Who was this finest being? It was born on that magnificent day...

The Journey:

Part II: Like Oil & Water / Evolution & Fear.

In order to grow, to evolve, to progress in life…to breath the fresh air that fills your new lungs, to move about in strange surroundings, feeling the Earth beneath your feet…you must first become fearless. Fearless enough to take those first few steps, even if it takes you some time.

Time.

Time to lose those demons that keep you afraid, sad and lost…. in a deep and lonely Sea - of your own making. A sea filled with sadness, self-doubt, anxiety, depression and fear. The need to escape it is overwhelming! … Yet, just out of your reach. “But somehow, that Fear keeps you safe. Doesn't it?" the question was put…"Yes, I suppose it does", was my sobering reply. “It shields me from failure, because I dare not risk at all…. But maybe I can rid myself of these demons with some help. I’m so tired of feeling this way!” I shouted and someone, somewhere within my own being - listened…

Who is the finest being? Perhaps you're finally on your way...

So far... I have found that life is, by it's nature, painful - and mine is no exception. For me, this moment in time was fraught with the pain of depression. However, the pain that one feels can heal over time, be it days, years, or millennia - and transform into a source - not of weakness, but of strength. Yet, sometimes we need some help to do this (be it real or imagined). Then I thought about the lungfish, and what it may have heard that day: “Learn from the storms that tossed you to and fro, unable to recover. The rocks that cut open your heart, seemingly forever. And the scars from so many burns, caused by another. Learn from it all, my friend... its time to go now".

Now!

Now I make my own journey out of this place, my own ocean of fear, which I outgrew so very long ago. "Do you have any regrets?” a strong, but lovely, female voice inquired of me. "Yes, many in fact", I replied, "But I also have a lot to be proud of and besides, what's done is done and dwelling on the pain in my life provides no benefits for me, or so I’m told. If I but only learn from my mistakes, my embarrassments, my failings - my fear, I would count myself lucky". And I noticed that I might have just provided some remedy to my own plight. “I see…” the voice contemplated then said, "I’m proud of you too, and we all have some regrets. We have all taken some chances and our only reward was pain, even me. You can’t let that stop you from striving to move on and live your life”. And you must not let the fear win, and ruin you, you’re far too valuable for that to happen.” I paused a moment, realizing that I was not alone in my dark sea, and then I spoke aloud. “Wait, I’ve heard this voice before, in a fantasy - a daydream”. I think I know who this being is! Yes, I remembered her now. It came to me, and a glimmer of light - and of hope, shone around me as memories of that fantasy came flooding back...


And the voice I heard was given a form, and the form I touched was given a face, and the face I saw was given a name. Many names: Alexandra…Alexa…Lexa and others, but they were imaginary names; make believe. With all of my senses, and my intense imagination, a Vision was created before me. I felt the warmth of her empathy but no pity; I had certainly had enough of that. Had she come to help me? Maybe even to love me? That was something I needed so much in my current sad state. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming, or exactly where she’d come from, but at the time, it didn’t matter. The Vision was that of a smiling young woman, standing on the shoreline, barefoot in the surf. And to Me… She brought the hope of something new.

New...

Before I could even ask her where she’d come from…my new Vision chimed in, with a cheerful tone and a big bright smile. "Hey you! … I’m here, so now what are you going to do?”. “I…. I don’t know. Have you come to help me?” I asked, still more that a little perplexed…. She shifted her weight, hands on hips, “I came because you needed me, and maybe, just maybe...I can help you, but you have to want my help”.

I was surprised by her realism, (being only a daydream and all) “I’ve been trapped here for some time, and I’m afraid to leave, leaving is risky you know...and risk often hurts me.” My eyes that had been so dazzled with the light and excitement of my Vision since her first appearance, now looked downward into the darkness I had known for too long. “Yes, I know, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt at all” she said, speaking a little softer now. “And besides, deep inside you know, we both know...my friend, it’s time to go now…” she nearly whispered, but the words rang loud and true. “ Follow me if you want to, I know I’m only a daydream, but maybe that’s enough for now, let’s go!”, she said, pursed her red lips, and tilted her head in a direction away from where I stood, chest deep in my Sea (“Anywhere but here”, I thought). As she waited for me to decide I felt the meaning of what the view of the future had intended to tell the little creature all those years ago. It had to evolve, to progress, to move on and live - not remain trapped in the Sea. Evolve or die, I thought. With this thought my choice became clearer to me. With her here, my fear and sadness lessened. I felt what appeared to be joy and I even felt a bit of courage...Yes, lovely Lexa was quite inspiring, even if she wasn’t quite real.

I wanted to move on, I really did…so in the end I chose to follow her. I had to; I knew that I did not have millions of years to change my ways, to live my life. No more hesitation, fear be damned! I looked up again with wide and excited eyes, and saw her smiling at her new friend. I smiled back. Then she held out a hand to me and I took it in mine. The firm grasp and the warmth of our touch eased my anxiety, until it was gone. So, I took those first steps out of the water, my self-made prison, my Sea of pain, and began the many years of steps to come. And I wasn’t afraid at all.

We walked along the beaches of my mind for a while, together hand in hand, laughing out loud. I was so enjoying the company of a lovely young woman, as in the past I had been known to do. And we spoke of the future and what miracles just might come of it, in our time.

With the help of a Vision, born from my imagination, and inspired by you Lexa...

This fearless being has left his Sea at last.

The Journey

Part III: A little Fantasy goes a Long Way.

And so, I would like to thank you, my inspiration, thank you for lending yourself to me, in my dreams and wonders. Allowing me to overcome the fear and sadness that had crippled me for a time… If I were able to tell you all of this, I am sure I could sense your confusion, "But, I don’t know you…how could that happen?” you might ask…. with questioning eyes and furrowed brow. I would try my best to make it clear to you. "You helped me by being a vision, my Vision - just like the dancing grass, the sand dunes and the forest that called to our friend so long ago, urging it to leave its home,” I explained, "A kind of vision that ordinary beings would leave home for, to do extraordinary things.

I was the one who lost the fear, but you helped me to help myself, without ever knowing it at all! But, you were here with me, if only in my mind.” Who is this finest being?

Sometimes, she makes her way to me...

You see, every now and then, all I've ever needed is a little fantasy, (or is it temporary insanity?), a never-to-be-forgotten daydream that keeps me going forward, onward. Reminding me of the way things could be…even if it is not a reality, yet. The fantasy is not to be taken literally, though I will admit it seems a very fine line when you are depressed and not yourself. Underneath it all, I really wanted a Fantasy in my time of need, my deep depression. And she was you.

You helped me to leave behind the safety that I felt in my own deep ocean, full of dangers - too much alcohol, past heartbreak, self-pity, painful memories and the fear to just live my life. I found that the feelings a fantasy can arouse could help me to overcome these negative thoughts. Removing me from them, to keep me from drowning… At least for a time. But just enough time is all I needed.

That's a powerful means of change, that Fantasy, those feelings. And not so different from the daydreams of a younger and much happier boy. But I needed to continue my evolution into the Man that I was meant to be...Evolve or die. Keep taking those steps, even if it takes me some time.

Somehow, Lexa ... I know that if I could ever find a way to tell you all of this, that you would really care. Care enough that a fan, a good Man, a very loving person, could find some comfort in you even if you had never met him. From what I know about you, you are a kind and loving person yourself, so I believe you would understand. I would hope that you would.

Perhaps one day I will meet you Lexa, the inspiration for my Vision. It’s certainly not impossible! And I assure you that I am harmless.

With my vivid imagination, a gift I believe I am blessed with, I can envision how that meeting might proceed.

Rendezvous:

Part I: She with the Wondrous Black Hair.

My Vision: A Woman, and what a vision she would be, seated across from me in a crowded room. With her petite stature, her delicate curves, her soft Raven hair and dark Eurasian eyes. Flashing a beautiful smile my way, I believe you would be happy to meet me, as would I you. I would approach you, introduce myself and say something funny in an attempt to make you laugh. Success!

You might accept a small note from me, a Thank you note...reaching out with one tiny hand, with finely manicured and polished fingernails. Thank you for what? You ask yourself... should I read it now? It’s only one of many notes I receive. I have a lot of fans, but this grateful soul and his thank you note...

...I interrupt your thoughts with a request I was sure you had received before, "Would you do your little dance for me?" I asked, "You know, the Dance, the one you do when you get all punchy?" She laughed and said she just might feel like it, at the end of this long day. I made a counter offer as some kind of incentive, "I could do something for you...We could both be equally embarrassed that way"! She laughed again and I was surprised that she made a little snort as she did. She had flaws, just like the rest of us (though not very many). Remarkably, I found it comforting to know that she was not at all perfect as my Vision had been. She was real. I continued to make my case, “I'm rather musically inclined, it's just that the music travels well in my head... but not so well to my hands! Besides, I don't have an instrument...I brought only myself. But that’s enough, maybe I could sing for you?” I said with raised eyebrows and a big grin on my face.

"Oh really? And what would you sing.... a little serenade?” she joked sarcastically and giggled a bit...doubting my vocal abilities as much as I did! Then I thought - What the Hell? Both of my parents have fantastic singing voices, then I responded with a quick retort, "Yeah, I can do that, it's in my genes!” She laughed once more, and then just waited, as the crowd went about their chatter.

“I know just the thing...it’s a very old song. I don't think anyone really knows exactly who wrote it.” I was right about that but I also realized it was a love song; far too intimate from a Man she did not know. But I didn’t tell her that, I don’t know why. I stood up, gazed at her, and began:

Black, Black, Black
Is the color of my true love's hair
Her lips are like some rosy fair
With the prettiest face and the daintiest hands
I love...

...Then it was her turn to interrupt, "That is a beautiful old song but not really appropriate, know what I mean? But thank you anyway". She beamed a little, not wanting to hurt my feelings. "Yeah, I gotcha.... no you’re not my true love, but hey...your hair is black! At least most of the time”. And we both chuckled at that. I sat back down and thought to myself... She was only a fantasy after all, my helpful Vision, my loving daydream, not the Woman before me now.

Of course, I had already known this, but I wanted so desperately to show her how much better things were when she was there, just when I needed her. When I wasn’t myself, when I was nearly drowning, when I was someone I didn’t want to be at all! So, instead of any song, even an old folk song about a love with wondrous black hair, I used my voice in another way. I told her exactly how she had helped me when I was lonely, sad and afraid - And she listened.

You would hear me speak about someone that was never, ever really you...”it was pretending, you know about that.... that’s what you do!” - I exclaimed. Pretending...I thought.... make believe. Just like prehistoric fish do not feel fear and grassy sand dunes certainly don't speak. However, I had made my point, and learned something too. Learned that a gifted imagination can be your best medicine you when you need it. We would both find out that evening that I had quite a vivid imagination. Enough to help cure a powerful and frightening poison that had consumed me.

And you had been a part of the antidote.

Rendezvous:

Part II: Her plan all Along?

After I was finished, you remembered something that had made you afraid before, maybe a bad time in your life. One where you needed some help to help yourself. You shared it with me - and I listened. My inspiration wanted me to keep my Vision, that wasn’t a problem, yet add to it the reality of the person that she really was. And so, I learned about the real Lexa. Yes, I so loved her hair, her lips, her eyes and her hands but there was much more to her than these physical traits. I would be very pleased to get to know you.

When you were finished, I understood that I was not alone, and never really was, everyone gets sad, afraid, and lonely at some point in their life. Many of us get depressed as well, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. When we are down, we just have to pick ourselves up any way we can. Now that we knew a little more about each other, we might laugh and joke some more…I’d like that, that would be a lot of fun. We would share the serious and the silly.

After some time had passed, and I had monopolized your company as much as I could, I would stand up to leave. Then you might stand up as well, and embrace me. I would happily hold you close; if only for a few seconds, and take you in with all of my senses. Thereby making the transformation from fantasy to reality complete. (Hey...that’s quite devious of her!) Then, you would step back and say...."well my new friend, its time to go now...." and I agreed. "Goodbye for now, and thank you for sharing with Me. I’ll owe you that dance, I promise...another time?" Yes, another time, I thought to myself as I spun around and began to walk away. “Bye Lexa, I wish you all the best of luck in everything”, I shouted. You smiled, thanked me again and waved goodbye, then turned away. I did too, but then felt I had to look back once more... and the last thing I saw was your beautiful black hair.

But I wouldn’t be sad to leave you, our meeting would be a blessing and I would walk away a happy Man knowing that everything was OK. That perhaps I had brightened your life a bit too, with a little light and a little hope whenever you need it. Just thinking that maybe I’d touched you in some way.

Of course... I don't know how you would really feel because I don't know you at all! The only Lexa I know is a fantasy, an occasional daydream. Yes, the physical kind, and yes, the sexual kind, but at times so much more as well. She has been a helpful companion, a close friend. One who was there when I was hurting. I had been in such a deep depression and so full of anxiety, but I finally got help from many different sources to escape from it, including my Vision of you.

I must add that for a very short time... I felt sad that it was only a fantasy, not reality. I’m not sure why I felt that way, but that quickly passed as my outlook on life improved and I began my return to the Man that I wanted to be. It has been difficult over these many months, but I have learned a lot about myself over this time, a life changing time. For one thing, that I am strong enough to learn from my past and look ahead - without Fear.

No, I don't know how you'd feel, my Vision, my Daydream...maybe you’d even think it was a little crazy. Or maybe even a lot crazy! Still, the thought of helping one young Man lose that paralyzing fear, to "Grow His Legs" as it were, and step out of his safe but sad and lonely place...

That might make you happy, dear Lexa, if only you knew, my Finest Being.

A Realization:

One Fine Fish Deserves Another!

Perhaps someday, I will really tell you what happened, in a letter or possibly even in person. Maybe even have that meeting sometime, to chat with you and maybe even get that hug. One never knows.

But for now, I really don't depend so much on your Vision, at least not so much that it hurts to know it’s not real. I’m feeling so much better and I am taking good care of myself. I’m far too valuable a person to self-destruct; my Vision had been right about that. However, I still have you here with me nonetheless, telling me to keep taking those steps, walking that fish, when I need to hear it sometimes.

You see, I heard another voice...this time, a voice that sounded a bit like mine. It said, "my friend... It is time to go now, but it's OK to bring along a fantasy". An imagination is a fine thing to have ... Be it of fish that walk, a beautiful beach or a cute Canuck actress who, at the end of a long day at her green screen...gets a little punchy.

And so, that old song continues:

...I love the ground, whereon she stands...

Only now silently. It travels well... in my head.

Yes, I think you'd be quite happy for me, even if you knew what I know now; the answer to the question: Who is the finest being? "The best thing since fish grew legs!?" Although, for a time, I thought it was only you...All along, it was I too. I made the fear go away, the fish take to the shore, and the Vision who called me and held out her hand, told me to come out of my Sea and make miracles.

Still I must thank you for being my inspiration, My Vision, My Lexa, for a while. Thank you, even if you never hear me, for helping me to lose the fear and become the very Finest Being I can be.

Epilogue:

Lexa, I know that you may never read this story, even though I wrote it as if you would. Nevertheless, it sure felt good to write it all down, to make something out of this difficult time. It’s a kind of healthy catharsis, letting it out and feeling OK about that fantasy that helped me. To see it all in printed words on paper that I can keep if I so choose. And I will keep it all.

I think I will always keep a little bit of you with me too, as we both continue to evolve, walking over that horizon, and I sure hope that’s all right with you.


BLACK IS THE COLOR OF MY TRUE LOVE'S HAIR - Unknown

Black, Black, Black
Is the color of my true love's hair
Her lips are like some rosy fair
With the prettiest face and the daintiest hands
I love the ground whereon she stands

I know my love and well she knows
I love the grass whereon she goes
If she on earth no more I see
My life would swiftly fade away

Black, Black, Black
Is the color of my true love's hair
All tumbling satin everywhere
If I should lose myself somewhere
Oh, my true love will find me there

A winter's past and the leaves are green
The time has past that we have seen
But still I hope the Day will come
When you and I shall be as one

Black, Black, Black
Is the color of my true love's hair
Her lips a wondrous rosy pair
With the purest eyes and the neatest hands
I love the ground whereon she stands

She with the wondrous Black hair