Love Lost and Gained

Love Lost and Gained


‘I love you.’ I whispered in his ear, gazing as he snored gently beside me, exhausted from our evening of passion. I’m always amazed at how beautiful a fully-grown man can look and how peaceful and young he seemed whilst sleeping.
I took it for granted that no matter which night, I could always turn round to see this beautiful vision before me. And whats more, know that this perfect creature loved me. I thought nothing would ever come between us. We were made for each other. We talked longingly for hours of having children, of the home we’d finally live in, I never thought I’d wake up one morning to find myself alone in our bed.
I got up and searched the small flat we lived in, there was no sign. Nothing seemed to have been touched, until I noticed a small note placed in the centre of the fridge door, held on by a bright red letter Q magnet. It said, simply;
‘Melissa, I’m sorry. R’
It didn’t sink in at first. I’m sorry? Sorry about what Richard, what have you done? I sat down, right there on the cold lino kitchen floor. It must have been an hour at least, I felt numb. Richard had left me.
I was woken harshly by the drilling sound of the phone. I just let it ring until it finally stopped but then it started again almost straight away. I had to answer it.
‘Hello’ I whispered.
‘Hello darling, why didn’t you answer? I let it ring and ring, I was worried, you always answer.’
‘Richard’s left me Mum.’
The phone was silent.
‘Mum?’
‘Sorry darling, I thought you said Richard had left you.’
‘I did.’ I couldn’t hold out any longer and I started to sob, I cried until I thought I was going to be sick. I’d forgotten about Mum being on the other end of the phone line, until;
‘Melissa? You still have me and your father. I know you love him dear, but it’s not the end of the world. I know it feels like it now, but trust me, it’s not.’
Those words kept echoing in my head for the rest of the day. ‘Trust me.’ Trust. What is trust? I felt so secure and loved and just like that, it was gone. The day was just a blur to me. I don’t remember the routine journey to work. I don’t remember anything. I felt invisible now, just wandering through life in a daze.
I arrived home to find another note on the fridge door. This time it said;
‘Melissa, you know I will always love you. This is just not the right time for me to settle down. Once again I’m sorry. R’
I went straight to his wardrobe, it was empty. That wardrobe seemed to symbolise my body at that moment, standing there alone in my small flat. Little did I know then that this was far from the truth.
The next few days were also a blur, until darkness would cast a shadow over the small flat. I would lay awake for hours, not really thinking, just being. I would curl up on my side of my bed, covers wrapped tightly around me as to not feel the emptiness that lay beside me. I did not sleep for days but also did not cry. It felt as though Richard had not only left me but took all my emotions with him.
Mum rang every morning to see how I was and to see if I was eating properly. And although her love for me, unconditional, should have made me feel better, it will never make up for the feeling of someone loving you for you. Your parents can give you many things, but never that.
I finally decided I needed to talk about Richard before I could let him go, so I rang an old school friend. We decided she would come round Saturday evening to have a girlie night in and watch a soppy movie. I stocked up on popcorn and munchies and started to look forward to seeing my old friend Vicki. I began to reminisce of the days where we would be on the phone for hours, never seeming to tire from each other’s voice. Never running out of things to say. But as the years went on after leaving school we just drifted apart, each with our own lives.
People had always thought we were an odd couple at school, so different and yet so close. Vicki was loud and boisterous, and in comparison I was nervous and quiet. Vicki knew I wasn’t really like this but I liked to keep myself to myself. I never really trusted people, other than Vicki and my parents.
I only had one long-term boyfriend at school but Vicki always had a stream of boys on the scene. I would hear a different boy’s name each week so school life was always interesting for us, not all detentions and homework. Although we were always the ones getting caught for passing notes. I’m sure I still had one or two of them in my box of memories that I kept from school, so I went up stairs to find them before I forgot. I thought how Vicki will laugh when she sees them, her never changing infectious laugh that always got me into trouble. Beside the box of memories from school, was the box of memories of Richard and me. I could not help but look through the box, I knew how much it would hurt. In there were photos, old letters, the occasional poem, but the things that wrenched at my heart the most, were the silly notes he would to write me. To anyone else they would be meaningless but to me they were Richard. Richard, with his funny little ways. Even his childish manner did not cloud the thought behind these notes that to me showed his love in a way a cuddle or kiss did not.
Time seemed to have stopped for me to look through these memories but in reality an hour and 20 minutes had passed. I went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of chilled white wine and sat in front of the TV with a glass. I didn’t realise how exhausted I was, as I soon fell asleep alone on the tatty old sofa designed for two.
I was woken the next morning later than usual by the phone ringing. I knew it was Mum so I slowly reached for the phone with a crick in my neck and told her I was late and I’d ring her tonight. I rushed a shower and some toast to leave for work. I got there in time, just. It annoyed me as I began to think no-one would have noticed if I was late anyway as they busily got on with their jobs. The familiar sounds of phones ringing, the tap of keys on a keyboard, quiet chit chat of what people were planning for the weekend, accompanied me as I sat down quietly and organised the day ahead of me. It was Friday and I was looking forward to seeing Vicki so the day went by quite fast. Soon I was home again, alone. It had been a week now and I still wasn’t used to the silence as I entered the flat. I had got into the habit of turning on the radio as soon as I walked through the door. I rang Mum and had a bite to eat before falling asleep once again on the sofa.
I woke up early Saturday and realised what a mess I had let the place get into. I spent most of the day tidying, dusting and polishing ready for Vicki to come round tonight. I went to do the weeks shopping and everything seemed to remind me that it was just me now. Couples bickering in the frozen food isle, families with loaded trolleys causing chaos by the cake section, but I had just a basket in my hand where there would have once been that familiar hand of my lover. The amount of food I bought which was small even then, was smaller now.
On returning from my unusual Saturday shopping trip I made myself comfortable in my living room. As the sky grew darker, I waited anxiously to see the bubbly blonde who never failed to make me laugh. I seemed to have so much time to just think now that I would often lose myself in a daydream. A loud tap on the door awoke me and I jumped up with a sudden burst of energy and opened the door to my old school friend. It must have been nearly a year since we last met up, but Vicki never changed. Her beautiful natural blonde hair cascaded down her back, her emerald green eyes shining and her smile as cheeky as a small child up to mischief. I remember when we used to disagree at school and she would just give me this cheeky grin, I couldn’t help but smile back at her.