One Night in Alabama

One Night in Alabama

         “Uh-oh?” I look over at Rob, repeating what he just said. “There are no uh-oh’s. There can be no uh-oh’s”

         “Well, we’ve got one right here. This is a certifiable uh-oh.”

         I am tired. I’ve been on the road for nine hours, so I cut the chase, “Explain the uh-oh.”

         “Well, that sign we just passed said ‘Oakhurst’ and I don’t ever remember passing an Oakhurst on this road before.”

         “Hmm.” I say nothing. I can tell my silence is troubling him.

         “Maybe we aren’t very off course," he tries to reassure me, "We’ll stop at the next gas station and look at the map.”

         “Hmm.” I reply again. I keep my head forward, refusing to look at him, because I am not pleased. I mentioned an hour ago that nothing looked familiar. There was this long stretch of road with nothing but cows. I didn’t think there should be that many cows, but he said he knew the way. So here we are, way past the point of the thousand cows, and now he decides to check the map? But I am going to be gracious. My mother raised a lady. So, I continue to stare straight out the window as we pull into the gas station, watching the little store come closer into view. Finally the car stops.

         “I think it was the rain,” he is talking again “in that bad patch of rain I must have gotten off I10 and onto, um…” he trails off, staring at the map and tracing an invisible line with his finger.
         For reasons I don‘t bother to analyze, I use my thumb and index finger to thump the map. Then I thump his hand. Twice.

         “Ouch! What’s the matter with you?” Still being a lady, I don’t answer. Instead, I backhand his arm and get out of the car. I want to get a coke and maybe a moon pie from the gas station.

          For some reason, even though at home I snub moon pies, I always get a craving for them on the road. Traveling and moon pies just seem to go together.

         I walk into the store, and no one is at the counter. I find my soda and moon pie (the banana kind) but not the proprietor. About that time Rob walks in. He sees the moon pie and brightens. He stupidly hopes the happy little yellow treat will cheer me up. It will, but he’s still in the crap house. I sort of snort at him. He pretends not to notice and looks at his shoes.

         “So where are we?”

         “Well,” he hesitates “that’s kind of debatable” There is another pause. “See, the only Oakhurst I can find is like way off on the other side of the state, and I know we haven’t gone that far off course.” He clears his throat.

         “Hmm.” I am still not happy, but I‘m starting to soften up. Rob looks like an abused puppy. “Well, if we can find the clerk, we can ask him where we are.”

         Rob smiles at me for a second, but it fades quickly, and he attempts to clear his throat again. “See, I kind of didn’t mention whichstatewewereontheothersideof”

         I shake my head and grin. He’s kidding with me. “What?” I giggle.

         “Um. See, I said the only Oakhurst I could find is on the other side of the state, but, um, I didn’t tell you which state.” He gives me a half smile and goofy shrug. I presume that he’s trying to lighten the severity of the situation.

         “Oh, God. Robert!”

         “Yeah. We’re in Alabama.”

         “Well, just on the Florida border right?” I am still in shock and looking for a crumb of hope.

         “Nu-uh. We’re kind of near… Well, see… We’re … um, in northern Alabama.”

         “Aaaaa” I let out a breath and look down at my moon pie for comfort. This is bad. I gape at him and attempt to clarify just so he understands, “We are going to northeastern Florida, not north eastern Alabama.”

         “We’re in north western Alabama, actually,” he corrects me.

         I throw the moon pie at him. “No!” This could not be happening. All this time I was certain we were in Florida. We should be close to our destination by now. Instead, we may actually be further than when we started. Why did I let him drive? Oh God!

         “Honey!” Rob picked up the pie and moved closer to me. It was a mistake on his part really. “It’ll be alright!”

         “I’ve been traveling nine hours in the wrong direction! How is that alright?”

         “It’s more like six, really”

         “You are a deeply stupid man. I am tired. I am hungry. I am going to be late for my sister’s wedding. I’m going to miss her lingerie shower tonight. I repeat. How is that alright?” I crossed a line, and I knew it. Rob isn't deeply stupid, just mildly so, and only occasionally, and I never should have mentioned it. I don’t want to cry, but my eyes tear up.

         Rob embraces me, and I choke on a few sobs. “You’re not stupid.” I lie.

         “I know. It’s Ok. We’ll get there. We’ll ask the store clerk for directions to the nearest motel. We‘ll rest and you‘ll feel better in the morning.” He rubs my shoulder and I feel a little better. I guess I decide to resign myself to this fate. I can always call my sister and try to explain. Besides, we can still make it in plenty of time for the wedding.

         I look up into Rob’s face and feel a rush of compassion. He had volunteered to take some time off work and drive to Jacksonville with me. That was really sweet of him. He didn’t have to come. He could have gotten out of it by saying that he had too much work to do, but he never even thought twice.

         I reach over and rub his arm, and gently take back my moon pie. “I love you honey, and I’m sorry I yelled. I ’m tired and I’m not myself.”

         He smiles half-heartedly at me, “I just don’t understand how we got so far off course. It doesn’t make any sense.”

         “Well, don’t worry, we’ll figure this thing out. I’m sure it’s not your fault. These roads are all weird. Where is the clerk?”

*********************

         I seem to be through the worst of it with Katie. She seems to have come to terms with this… which is good, but I have no explanation for why were are here. I mean, I have a very good mental map, and I have re-enacted every turn we took and I just can’t see how we ended up in Alabama. It just makes no sense. We stayed on SR45 heading south and we met up with I10East, and even if we had accidentally gotten onto SR110 heading north, no wait, because Interstate 95, no that wouldn’t work… Ok well, maybe I should go all the way back to the beginning. We packed the car and pulled out into the street….

         Katie interrupts my mental reenactment of the day’s journey by elbowing me in the ribs. Not hard really, but I jump.

         “What are you mumbling about?”

         “Nothing” I reply, “I’m just thinking.”

         “Well, your lips were moving.”

         What is she talking about now? I decide to ignore her comment and go back to my pondering, but she continues.

         “Well, as nice as it is in here and all, I would like to pay for my snack and find a motel.”

         “Yeah, motel. Well, You go ahead and pay and I’ll look for a phone book to make a few calls. I’ll find us some place nice.” I say this with assurance in my voice. I want her to know that I’m on the job, plus I want to avoid another Katie tantrum. It seems like almost anything will set her off lately. I mean people get lost all the time, right? I look for her grateful reply but instead I see her gesture exaggeratedly at the counter.

         “Well I would pay, but the store clerk is still missing in action.”

         Well, this is great. I sigh and start to pace. Maybe the guy is asleep in the back.

         “Maybe the guy is asleep in the back,” I say, and I leave to go check.

*****************

         Well, now that Rob has gone to look for the clerk, and I seem to have gained control of myself, I figure we’ll be Ok. I walk to the counter and put my crumbled up moon pie down along with my quickly warming soda. I listen to the eerie quiet. Maybe it’s because there is no music on in the store, or maybe it’s because it’s getting dark, or maybe it’s because we’re lost in the freaking middle of nowhere, but I suddenly get a chill. I shiver and look out the window toward the car, but it isn’t the car I see.

         Pressed against the glass is the black and white spotted face of a cow. The cow is staring straight at me, and the breath from it’s damp, pink nose is steaming up the window. I don’t know why, but I can tell that the cow is watching me...really watching me, and I get a vague impression that the cow has evil intentions. It blinks a brown beady eye. I watch it studying me, but it’s when the thing begins to back away that I really become afraid. If the cow leaves, where will it go? I can’t see it, so it could be anywhere. What is it doing now? What are the statistics for cow attacks? Have they ever been known to maul humans?

         I am probably overreacting. But that cow is unnatural. Creepy. I wait patiently for a few seconds and the silence around me grows oppressive. In fact, it seems like that abnormal quiet in the forest when something has spooked the birds. A big and dangerous something.

         “ROB!” I yell for my husband.

******************

         I find nothing in the back. Mostly cobwebs and dust. I hear Katie yell, and I can tell she is afraid. I bolt out of the stock room and run to her. She doesn’t appear injured, but she falls into my arms and squeezes me.
         “I want to get out of here.” she states forcefully.

         “Ok. Alright.” I agree. Quiet frankly the stock room was kind of creepy. It smelled like old milk. “What scared you?” I ask.

         “A cow.” She hugs in closer

         My wife is a strange woman, but this is weird even for her. “A cow scared you?”

         “Yes.” She insists “It was looking right at me”

         “Ok” I reply. It’s always best to agree with her.

         “No. really.” she pulls back to look into my face, “It was looking... it looked... it looked like it knew things.”

         “The cow knew things?” She has gone too long without eating. I should have fed her hours ago and now we’re lost and I don’t know where a Dennys is. This is all my fault. I rub her shoulders, hoping to calm her, but she pulls away and looks at me with resolve.

         “You don’t have to believe me.” she insists “you just have to hand me those keys, because I’m driving us out of here.”

         “But we still don’t know where here is,” I protest. “I’m sure the clerk…”

         “Isn’t coming back” she interrupts, “Any direction will eventually lead to something, so let’s take a chance and let’s go!”

         I laugh at her. She’s so cute when she’s all take charge. I throw her the keys and we go to walk out the door. She stops short in front of me. There are three cows standing around our car. One of them is chewing cud, and all of them are looking at us. I try to decide if they are dangerous. The cud-chewing one steps closer . It moves pretty quick for such a large animal. I decide not to take any chances. I grab Katie and pull her back inside. “Now do you believe me?” she asks. I start to feel some fear. This has been such a bad day.

****************

         Neither Rob nor I are from the country. I have no cow-related experience, but those cows do look malicious.

         Yet, something in the back of my mind checks me. “It's possible that you're just letting your imagination run away with you.” It intones calmly. I listen to my internal platitudes for a few seconds more and I am just on the verge of believing that indeed, there is no such thing as an evil cow, when a loud sound interrupts my reverie. It is a thump-shuffle sound like boxes being bumped or scooted, and it’s coming from the back of the store.

         “I thought you didn’t find the store clerk. I thought he wasn‘t back there.” I say to Rob.

         “I thought so too,” he replies. Only after he finishes speaking do I realize that we are both whispering.

         There is another loud crash in the back and this one sounds like breaking glass. I decide to check it out for myself. Rob walks behind me. We are as silent as possible. I know before I get there what we will find, but I still don’t want to accept it. When I see the bulky form slowly emerge from the darkness, I hear Rob behind me Yell, “COW!”

         Rob seizes my arm and takes off running for the exit. I have to run to keep up with him or risk having my arm pulled off.

         In a “bonzai”, kamikaze sort of style, Rob heads for our car. Except instead of yelling “Bonzai”, he is screaming, “Cow!” “Cow!” “Cow!” and is waving his keys in the air. He uses the remote entry and unlocks the passenger door. He then flings it open, shoves me in, and yells for me to climb across the console to the drivers seat. I do this as quickly as possible, but not before one of the cows near the car touches Rob with it’s slimy nose.

         When Rob finally makes it in the car he is chanting “oh god oh god oh god!”. I crank the engine and the bovine behind the car moves aside. I pop the car into reverse and we peel out of the parking lot.

*************

         Several hours later, we found ourselves back on the interstate and back in civilization. We were able to locate a nice motel to sleep, and we found directions to Jacksonville with no problem. We had dinner and we even splurged by using all those little liquors in the mini bar to help us sleep. We told no one about the incident with the cows, because who would have believed us? We can barely explain it to ourselves.

         But somewhere, in an empty convenient store, there is a broken up banana moon pie and a 16oz soda sitting on the counter--the sole witnesses to what happened there on a strange Alabama night.