RSL -- Day Thirteen

October 24 -- Day Thirteen, Thursday

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'd beg you to beg me

Shine up my old brown shoes
Put on a brand new shirt
Get home early from work
If you say that you love me
         -- Cheap Trick


A Trip To The Mall
They got up at 9:00 in the morning cuddling one another. Robin was first out of bed. With her robe on she checked to make sure that Emily was already out of the apartment before running the shower and calling for Ray to join her.

They made love one more time standing up in the shower.

After they got dressed and Robin did her hair, they went to the bagel shop around the corner for breakfast.

Sitting in a booth across from each other with a fresh cup of coffee Robin remarked, “You know, I haven't slept as good as I did last night in a long time.”

Ray smiled and said, “Maybe I should spend the night every night.”

“That would be nice;“ Then quickly changing the subject she asked, “so what did you have in mind for the day?”

“I'm not quite sure right yet, I know I'd really like to see that conservatory before I leave here and I'm still up for browsing one of the malls with you, that is if you still want to do some Christmas shopping. I guess I'm just hoping to have a relaxing peaceful day for a change.”

“Oh trying to give up pandemonium are we now?”

“Yeah, I think I've stuffed enough into this past week and a half to last me for a while.” Then in jest, “You know it's possible to O.D. on it if you're not careful. Strong stuff that pandemonium.”

“Well the mall and Phipps Conservatory sound as if they'd make for a pleasant day.” Then with a tease in her voice, “Are you sure you don't want to incite a riot or maybe set a building or two on fire to make your day complete?”

“Maybe tomorrow. “

They went to Ray's room after breakfast so that he could change into something fresh, then it was off to the mall for some Christmas shopping

Robin found an oriental rug that she thought would work perfect at her Grandmothers house. She bought a couple of outfits for Emily and a one and a half caret diamond ring for her mom. The ring featured a marquise diamond center stone in a prong setting and was accented with twenty princess diamonds. “Mom lost the diamond that my dad got her. I hope she likes this one.”

“I never hear you talk much about your father,” Ray asked inquisitively.

“Oh he passed away when I was in grad school.”

“I'm so sorry to hear that.”

“No it's all right, it happened a long time ago. He pretty much drank himself to death. I guess that's why I don't drink too much after seeing what it did to him.”

Ray bought himself another Rolex. It wasn't exactly the same as the one that he used to have but he needed a watch and wasn't going to put his faith in another cheap one.

It was almost noon by the time they finished shopping. Ray, wanting to take a break, asked if Robin was hungry.

“Yeah I could eat, there’s a pretty good place in the center of the mall here; Ruby Tuesdays, their chicken Fajitas are just to die for.”

After lunch, it was off to the conservatory.


Phipps Conservatory and Botanical Gardens
They held hands walking towards the entranceway. Robin, while walking up the sidewalk said to Ray, “I'm so excited that you want to do this, I haven't been here in years. I used to come here all the time but, well, you know what they say, 'you can take a horticulture (whore to culture) but you can't make her think.'”

“You never quit do you,” was Ray's only response.

They walked through the foyer of Phipps, paid the entrance fee and were greeted by the Palm Court, the heart of the conservatory. Ray stopped and took in the room. It featured graceful tropical palms, some of which were over 50 feet tall. Moving on to the left they slowly toured the Serpentine Room, the Fern Room then on to the Orchid Room.

There were over 3000 orchids nestled within the lava rocks. Robin commented at how fragrant it was.

They continued on with their tour without saying much, just slowly taking in the sites and fragrances. They stopped at the The Brodiaea Room, a room that mimicked the design of formal French-style knotted gardens with its low boxwood hedges and seasonal flowers. Ray gently pulled Robin close and they kissed. It was a long lingering kiss that lasted over a minute.

“Oh you don't know what that does to me,“ he said, then with the moment overwhelming him Ray looked into Robins eyes, “You know Robin, I've been giving it a lot of thought over the past couple of days. I'm not ready to go back to Stoudtsville. I don't think I'll ever be ready to go back there. I know it's only been a brief time that we've known each other but within that time I've found myself more than just a little attracted to you. I know this sounds crazy but I think I'm in love. I want to make a fresh start here. I want to spend every morning waking up next to you.”

“Raymond,” Robin said pushing away slightly, “Aren't you forgetting a few things?”

“I don't think so, like what?”

“Well for starters, you're married.”

“I'll get a divorce. People get divorced everyday. What else?”

“Raymond, sit down here,“ she motioned to the French styled bench in the corner, “In the short time that I've known you, I've become quite fond of you too -- you really do warm my heart, and then some. But the fact still remains; I'm gay. That hasn't changed, it's not going to change, and I don't want it to change.”

“It hasn't gotten in the way so far.”

“Hey Raymond, you listen here and pay real good attention! Listen to me and don't interrupt.

”Someone once forwarded this message to me in an e-mail a while back and it made a lot of sense – so much so that I tried to commit it to memory. I'll see if I can recall it and get it right:

”People come into our lives for either a reason, a season or a lifetime. When we figure out which one it is, we know what to do and what to expect out of each person.

”When someone is in our life for a reason, it's usually to meet a need we've expressed. They have come to assist us through a difficulty, to provide us with guidance and support, to aid us physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason we need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on our part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. “Sometimes they act up and force us to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer we sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

”Then people come into our lives for a season. Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season.

”Lifetime relationships teach us lifetime lessons: things we must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Our job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what we've learned to use in all other relationships and areas of our life.

”Raymond, I believe I've come into your life as a season. I hope you've enjoyed it but remember, seasons change and you need to move on to your next season as you continue to grow with your lifetime relationships – your family.

”As for me, you've been a reason. I've learned how to enjoy life again. I haven't 'used' since that day that we got high in your room and everyday since then I've been fighting the cravings. But I'm feeling better now and I've been thinking real hard over the past couple of days myself.

”I think I'm going to go home, back to Bedford County. I need to check myself into a rehab clinic. There's an outpatient clinic not far from my mom's house and I'm sure my mom would let me move back in. She keeps mentioning it to me but I've been too afraid of leaving here; I've been too afraid of leaving my addiction.

”I've been praying for this strength and somehow I gained it from you.

”Thank you for being a part of my life Raymond. But you've got a life; you've got a WIFE. And there's no room for me. It's time for you to go home Raymond. It's time for YOU to go home too.”

Ray didn't say a word; he just held his head down not knowing what to say.

“Oh come on here Raymond. Don't feel rejected.”

“How could I not feel reject when I've just been rejected?”

“No you haven't! I've been pretty smitten by you over the past few days and maybe in another time, under different circumstances we could make it work. But as it stands today, if you stayed in Pittsburgh with me we'd be both setting ourselves up for disaster.

”I know I can't stay here much longer. I realize that. I need to get away from this environment and escape to a place where crack isn't as easily accessible if I'm ever going to beat it. My mom's house out in Bedford is just that place.”

“When are you going to leave?”

“Well, to be perfectly honest, I was thinking about calling her tonight to see if she would be willing to pick me up tomorrow.”

“I'd be happy to take you.”

Robin thought for a moment then said, “Raymond that would be wonderful of you. I don't have much stuff but what I do have would probably just fit in that van of yours.”

They finished the tour of the conservatory. Ray didn't have much more to say, he was what you might call dumb-thunk; his emotions were in turmoil but his mind knew that everything Robin said to him was correct. They had no future; not at this point in their lives.

They went to Robin's apartment and she called her mother.

“Hello Mom, it's me, Robin. You're not going to believe this but...”

Ray, going through a rationalization process in his head while she was on the phone, thought to himself, 'This is crazy Ray, stop feeling sorry for yourself! I want this for her! I want her to get off crack. I want her to start a new life. This is what's best for her and she doesn't need the baggage that I'd bring along. It's best for her. And I've got Helena. At least I think I still do. She loves me and I love her. But I also love Robin. I think I love Robin. Is it possible to love two people romantically at the same time? Is it possible to be polyamorous? Well here's living proof I guess. I guess it is possible. At least it is for me. And if I do love Robin, I've got to do what's right for her.'


“Mom said it would be fine for me to move back in. She wanted to come down tonight, help me pack and take me back with her but I told her that we would be up sometime tomorrow. Is that still OK with you Raymond?”

With the reality of what was happening finally starting to settle in he responded in as up beat of a tone as he could assemble, “Of course it's OK.”

They spent the evening at Robin's apartment. She ordered pizza for dinner and they ate it while Ray helped her pack. They finished the evening watching TV; then they slept together for the last time -- there was no sex.


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