Chestnut Ecstasy

I had one of those moments today.

The kind that you plan for your entire life, but still are caught off guard when it arrives.

It's one of those swirling mixture of feelings, throwing-plumetting you into a boiling vat of rapid thoughts and impulses. Driving you mad with spontaneous desire, but freezing every muscle into cold, repressed submission.

He looked at me.

Not in the way that he has before.

Always before it was a vacant, familiar stare. Friendly and welcome - unintrusive - inviting a responsive gaze in return.

However, this was different. The intensity in his eyes was penetrating - like a spear being plunged into my treasure hold of desires, one by one pulling them out, holding them forth to be examined.

I felt paralyzed.

Trapped in this moment, terrified of what he could see through my eyes, of what his judgment would be. I felt powerless in this struggle to free myself of this detached embrace. Battling a tidal wave of emotion rise up in my chest. Drowning in the chestnut sea of his intensity, I want to succumb, to fall victim to this trance.

Something changed inside of me.

Though I tore myself away from this longing and sensation - my soul was compelled again to regain that connection. Only to once more feel the shame of knowing not what lay behind that chestnut dream. A world of dangers, of the unknown.

In that moment, I felt triumphant and defeated. Victorious, yet ridiculed and suppressed. My heart soared on wings of hope--only to be burned like the sun to Icarus at the thought of rejection.

To experience such ecstasy, to feel so torn between desire and fantasy, reality and fear, has left an aching, burning pit, consuming, raging with a vast boiling lava, bursting with explosive-scarring questions of "what if."

And to think, this is the "moment" we all wait for.