Galdavia

Galdavia is a world very unlike our own. It is carried around the universe by Gruntilda and Harry, two gorillas; this being punishment for their many crimes which we will not speak of here. It is a world of good and evil, light and dark, magic and . . . the opposite of magic.

Now I will tell you of the beginning of Galdavia. At first there was nothing, all was black and foggy. There was no land, no water, not even air. Then there was Fred! Mighty and powerful, with the help of his dog, Jim, he created land. Then he created sky and water, night and day and everything else, except man. For many years Fred was alone. Sure he had Jim and other animals, but can you really have a good discussion with them? So, he took some clay and clumped it together, creating a woman, who he named Estelle. Embarrassed by their nakedness, they made pants and shirts and dresses (and a sweater for Jim). And as the years flew by, as they do to all immortals, Fred found himself disliking Estelle. By the time they had their first child, Phoebe, Jim could no longer stand the company of Estelle.

That was when he created Beatrice. This time he used all of his powers to give her a charming personality. They lived happily together for many hundreds of years. But, one day, as all couples do, they had a fight. Beatrice wanted people, mortals, and Jim didn't want them polluting his beautiful Galdavia with their litter and cigarettes. Beatrice left and went to a cave where she made one hundred stupid mortals. In fact, these stupid beings could only communicate through grunts, which was the thing that got them all killed. The grunt that meant hello was also the grunt that meant a very rude comment about one's wife. So Beatrice created one hundred more mortals, this time stupid, but able to speak. When Fred found this out, he was enraged. So angry was he that he sent down a tornado to kill the mortals. All but three died and Beatrice went home and slapped Fred. Seeing how much Beatrice loved the mortals, he helped her to create more of them. For about two hundred years these mortals lived and died.

Up in Vernista, where the immortals, called the Gods by the mortals, lived, much had changed. Although Fred was still king of the Gods, there were more of them. These were the children of Fred. There was Ralph, god of intellect, which was strange because he couldn't tie his own shoes. There was Donald, god of music and dancing, though he was rhythmically challenged, Phoebe, goddess of water, and Alice, goddess of fruit. It was around the time that Phoebe and Alice were getting lonely for male company, that a young man named Gouda discovered milk.

Gouda had always been curious about young calves sucking on their mothers'- whatever those things that hung down were called. So, one day he went up to a cow and squeezed one of those things. Well, okay, he thought it was a cow because he was still young and didn't know the difference between boys and girls. So, let's suffice to say that he had one angry bull on his hands, and was unable to sit for three weeks. When his rump healed and he knew what that thing that hung down off a bull was called, he went out and found a cow and squeezed one of those things. Out shot a creamy white liquid. Now, all mortal babies drank water and juice, and milk was a delicacy only the gods knew of. Gouda ran back to his house and grabbed a pail, then squeezed it full of milk. Once at home he began to experiment with it. He created cheese, which he called Gouda, a yellow substance that he called butter, after his mother, and after using some strawberries and letting the milk sit out for a few days, yogurt, which he named after his sister. For almost a month Gouda's family kept his discovery to themselves, but one day, they decided to sell their creations. The gods saw this and descended to Galdavia. They yelled at Gouda, then took him up to Vernista, and turned him into a god.

While Gouda was enjoying the liberties of being a god, (for instance, running down the street naked with no consequence) Phoebe and Alice were becoming bored with teaching Ralph to tie his shoes and Donald how to dance. Gouda would have been good company, but he kept mooning them at every chance and saying “ha, see if you can do something about that!” So they went to Estelle and asked if she would create someone for them to spend time with who was neither stupid, nor an exhibitionist. Estelle agreed and created Rafe, god of the sun. He was fun to be with and reasonably normal, even though sometimes he would unexpectedly turn in a three-toed sloth (this being something Estelle threw in just to make him a little more exciting). He was extremely handsome, and the girls were very attracted to him, though always jealous of the other one. When they asked him to choose which one he would marry, he said the most creative one. Which is how the Vernistan war got started.

Knowing of Rafe’s love for odd animals, Alice mixed a duck with a hippo or a bear or something, it doesn’t matter, and created the duck-billed platypus. When Rafe told Alice how creative she was, Phoebe created the ostrich, which, Rafe said, was stupid, because all it did when danger was around was hide its head. Saying whoever had the best of five, Rafe gave her another chance. Knowing of Rafe’s love for architecture, Alice enlisted the help a dwarven drunkard, and made Rafe the oddest house ever seen, because it was round. To beat this one, Phoebe used his love of pepperoni to make him a pepperoni house, the latter being the one he liked.

Since Rafe loved art done in odd ways, Phoebe, with the help of a guy who was blind, deaf, mute and spoke a language different than she, made a four hundred square foot chalk drawing in Vernista’s parking lot. Unfortunately, it rained before Rafe got to see it. To counter this, Alice and her friend Zeblong, from the planet Kregitroy, created a huge design in the blind, deaf, and mute guy’s crop fields, and, since he got to see this, Rafe liked it better. Rafe also liked poetry, so, with the help of a Japanese man, Alice created the haiku, which Rafe thought was merely okay. Phoebe on the other hand, created the limerick, one about a certain flasher and his experience with a bull, which made Rafe pee his pants. Must we say whose he liked best?

Finally it was time for the last challenge, the one that would break the tie. Rafe was an odd man who needed some place to go when he turned into a three-toed sloth, because, not recognizing him, the mortals always tried to kill him for his green fur. To solve this problem, Phoebe made him a house, which, when they saw him in it, the mortals burned down. Knowing she needed something better than this, Alice took awhile thinking about this. Finally, she decided that Rafe should go to the trees when he morphed, which he did, causing Alice to be his bride. I’ll finish this later, right now I must go watch an old movie on TCM or AMC, I can never tell them apart.

Okay, it was a very bad movie.


So, after Rafe married Alice they had a kid who they named wjknhthodfbdsojd (Walter), who became god of lace curtains. What shall I say about him? He has a pet chimp and used to be Caucasian, but is now Indian, reminding us of a certain glove donning singer, whose name I will not mention, so as not to be sued. I really don’t think wjknhthodfbdsojd is all that important, but I did enjoy wasting your time (however short it was) by making you read this. Okay, on with the story!

Ralph, as before mentioned, was the god of intellect, even though he could not tie his shoes. It just so happened that down in Galdavia, there was a person, female, girl, young woman, thing who he somehow fell in love with. Unfortunately, this female, girl, young woman, thing by the name of Gertrude, was in love with Darwin, the smartest lad in all of Galdavia. You would think that Ralph, being a god and all, would be able to take away Darwin’s superior intellect. But, alas, Ralph did not think of this, although if he had been smarter, he probably would have. Instead he decided to win over Gertrude by showing off his, what’s the word here, godliness. Of course, since she was in love with the brainy, slightly odd, nose picking Darwin, she really didn’t care. She knew that Ralph was stupid and only wanted to be with an intellectual, people who were, in her mind, heroes (although Darwin was a little scrawny to be a hero). Ralph showered her with gifts, expensive gifts, and chocolate, which she didn’t eat, because, even in Galdavia, women are expected to be twenty pounds underweight. This would continue for I’ll say three years until Zoe (pronounced Zo-ay, not Zo-ie), goddess of loooove, mysteriously appeared.

Zoe, goddess of loooove, saw how pitiful Ralph was and decided to help him. She wanted to make a potion so Gertrude would fall in love with Ralph, but he said that he didn’t want her to fall in love with him like that, which was pretty stupid, because she wanted an intellectual, which meant he had no hope of ever getting her. Respecting the big R’s wishes, Zoe instead went down to Earth-Oops! I meant: Respecting the big R’s wishes, Zoe instead went down to Galdavia and tried to convince Gertrude what a cute guy Ralph was, because let’s face it, his looks were all he had going for him. But, Gertrude only wanted an intellectual, so Zoe suggested that Ralph use his powers to make himself smarter and Ralph wouldn’t do this. Fed up with the whole Gertrude having to love Ralph for who he was, and trying to do the right thing, blah blah blah, and in need of a badge for her Girl Scout’s vest, Zoe made the potion. Gertrude married Ralph and they had fifteen children, but what Ralph don’t know, don’t hurt him.

Tune in soon, kids to find out . . . something else!