The Oracular Cookies

The Oracular Cookies

*Please note that every fortune used here is an actual fortune that was given to me by an actual Oracular Cookie from an actual Chinese restaurant.*

Hear now the Wisdom of the Oracular Cookies! I have saved every fortune that I have expropriated from a Cookie, and I save them in the hopes that one-day they will come true. Until then, they serve as a passing amusement, and Wisdom to ponder. I have found since I started saving these fortunes, that many are not so much fortunes, as they are proverbs. I have also found that many make no sense at all. Once I had a friend named Miles and he, after reading my fortunes, suggested that if a fortune lacks understandability, that one should add the words ‘in bed’ to the end of the fortune to give it the coherency it was formerly without. In many cases the Miles Method for Understanding Fortunes, or the MMUF, is successful. In addition, the MMUF may be applied to coherent fortunes in order to give them a meaning not formerly seen. Now I offer you a chance to see my fortunes, I have also included a commentary with each fortune. Make of them what you will, but I firmly believe that each and every one is true. Furthermore, I live in the hope that one-day everything prophesied by the Oracular Cookies shall come to pass.

Hear now, the Wisom of the Oracular Cookies!

‘Share your happiness with others today.’
Not a fortune, but a command! What could bring me greater happiness than my fortunes? So, by sharing them with you fine people, I have done the task assigned to me by the Oracular Cookies.

‘The joyfulness of a man prolongs his day’
A proverbial fortune! This is one where the MMUF may be applied to give the fortune a new meaning. ‘The joyfulness of a man prolongs his day in bed.’ This obviously means that a happy man can lie in bed for a long time, without worrying himself with the things that he must do. Thus, what this fortune is really saying is that a happy man can relax for long periods of time. Wisdom indeed!

‘Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.’
This is another fine fortune that makes sense as it is, but makes even more sense when the MMUF is applied. ‘Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals in bed.’ Ah, true wisdom! For who does not want to be a generous and perfect lover? The Oracular Cookies are truly Wise!

‘You believe in the goodness of mankind.’
I must admit this one has me baffled, my own mother went into hysterics when she heard this one. However, it must be true. The Oracular Cookies said it was so!

‘Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time.’
How true! We are always trying to discover the truth, the truth about what our children or spouses are doing, the truth about politicians, the truth about science. In short, we are obsessed with the truth. If you apply the MMUF to this, you get ‘Time is precious but truth is more precious than time in bed.’ This must mean that truth is better than sleep or sex, making Truth the best thing in the world. The depth of the Wisdom of the Oracular Cookies is incomprehensible!

‘Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise.’
The wondrous Wisdom of the Oracular Cookies will never cease to amaze! How true this wisdom is, for if the fools could learn from the wise, they to would be wise and no longer fools. Likewise, if the wise could learn nothing from fools, they would become fools themselves. The Cookies are Wise beyond the wisest of mortals!

'You will meet a mysterious person this week who will offer you a golden opportunity.’
I am still waiting for the mysterious person to show up but this may be a slight timing error on the part of the Great Cookies. More likely it is a timing error on my part. I probably consumed the Cookie bearing this message too soon. It is obviously my fault, for how could the Cookies be wrong?

‘Remember to share good fortune as well as bad with your friends.’
Wonderful advice from the Oracular Cookies! What person likes a friend that only shares news that is bad? Moreover, who likes a friend that is only your friend when they are in need? Wise Cookies!

‘A pet wants you to adopt it.’
This fortune came true! Not six months after I was blessed with this fortune, I adopted a new cat! Oh praise the Oracular Cookies, whose infinite Wisdom surpasseth the comprehension of mortals and bringeth meaning to the lives of those whose lives were once meaningless!

‘A bad neighbor is a misfortune as much as a good one is a great.’
Oh Cookies! You baffle me! Is a good neighbor a misfortune? Is a good neighbor as good as a bad neighbor is bad, opposite ends of the neighborly spectrum so to speak? Oh Cookies, you have offered me an intellectual challenge!

‘Happy life is just front of you.’
The infinitely wise and benevolent Oracular Cookies have blessed me with the promise of a happy life! Perhaps I shall attain this happy life once I solve the challenge of the Neighbors! (See above)

‘There is a true and sincere friendship between you both’
Perhaps the Wise Cookies are telling me that I have a Multiple Personality Disorder. Well, at least we get along. Wise and Kind Cookies!

‘God has given you one face, you make yourselves another.’
Another message of multiple personality! Perhaps this means that it won’t just be the two of us forever, perhaps another personality will join us soon!

‘A nice cake is waiting for you.’
Another fortune that has come true! I received this promise shortly before my birthday, and indeed I had a nice cake! Praise the Cookies! Wise Cookies! Kind Cookies!

‘You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment.’
I understand the second part, it means I can accomplish things. However, the first part is rather confusing. A potential urge? Well, as long as I don’t have an actual urge, we should be alright. Ah, but perhaps I potentially have an urge for accomplishment. The MMUF is applicable here, 'You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment in bed.’ The last part obviously means that I can become a great lover, but the first part? This is indeed, another intellectual challenge!

‘It tastes sweet.’
The Oracular Cookies must be talking about the messenger cookie that gave me this fortune. It was, indeed, sweet.

‘Confront a complicated issue.’
Perhaps the Cookies are speaking of the issue about the neighbors they presented to me before. Perhaps they are speaking of the mystery surrounding the meaning of the 'Potential Urge'. Perhaps the Complicated Issue is merely in finding out what the Complicated Issue is! Complex indeed! Oh, Great Cookies, you offer me so many challenges!

‘The weather is wonderful.’
This is true! The day I received this message from the Omnipresent Cookies, the weather was truly wonderful!

Thank you oh Wise and Kind Oracular Cookies for blessing me with so many promising fortunes!

Now, in closing, a poem praising the Cookies:

Oh, Wise Cookies!
Your Wisdom is immeasurable!
Your ineffable Benevolence astounds!
Oh, Great Oracular Cookies!
Your Sweetness delights!
Your complex Shape mystifies!
Oh, Wise Oracular Cookies!
We praise the Oracular Cookies,
For they hold our fortunes within themselves!
Oh, Cookies!
We praise your Wisdom!
We praise your Kindness!
We praise your Flavor!
Praise the Great Cookies!
Praise!


Read the second volume of the Cookie Wisdom!

More Oracular Cookies  (13+) More Wisdom from the Oracular Cookies! Listen and I will tell you more Wisdom! #784533 by Captain Colossal