Saying Good Bye

Saying Good-Bye
I sat at my desk with my computer going and a blank screen. I was trying to do some of my homework but nothing was coming to my brain. The only thing I could think about was my boyfriend, Taylor. Here I was studying to become a doctor and exams were coming up fast I needed to focus and all I could think about was: him. It was really annoying my dreams were slipping cause I couldn’t focus. I know it’s my fault but I’ve never felt so strongly for one person. He was in the Canadian Army off in training. He did it for me I know he did so he could go through college some day and make something of himself. A soldier wasn’t good enough for me he once said to a mutual friend.

I don’t think he ever got it through his head that I wanted him in my life that is all. I never cared if he amounted to a great person who goes down in history or a beggar on the street. In truth I think I preferred the beggar, as this I’d get more time with him. I’m quite the sucker for togetherness, even if it’s just holding hands with friends around or him wrapping my arms around me. I felt at one with him. I hated having the long distance relationship with him that I did. So for four years we wrote letters back and forth and emailed we saw each other one to four times a year. He took college courses through out his training there. One summer he came by for my birthday, I went and picked him up in my jeep.

“Hey Julie” He said and jumped inside the passengers seat and smiled at me. I fell in love with him all over again. So many memories flooded over me.
“Howdy Taylor. So how’s the training?”
“I’m top of my class of course” He boasted and winked. I’d let him boast cause he never really did it all that often so it was nice to see his self-esteem getting higher.
“Congratulations I’m so proud of you!” He reached over and placed a hand on my thigh and I went all tingly. I had almost forgotten what his touch felt like. So gentle and yet so tough and it was everything I dreamed for.
“My training is over after I go back. I graduate and they will ship me out to a place I’m needed.” He looked out on the road and this news nearly made me jump. We had planned everything together. Our lives from the age of ten we were in separable.
“What about your college?” I asked trying to hide my emotions of disappointment and shock.
“I’m still taking courses but I feel this is my calling.” Silence fell between us like it never has before. For me it felt awkward. I continued to drive until we reached my apartment. We dropped his stuff off there and went to see our friends for dinner.
“Wow you guys planned my whole day!” He exclaimed excited.
“We missed you and wanted to spend time with you and if you were to make your plans we never would see you.” I said and gave my little wistful smile. As usual he smiled his playful little one. He was incredibly cute when he did that. We spent our time with our friends as usual, holding each other hands and looking lovingly in each other’s eyes. In doing so getting food shot from across the table. Fifteen years we have been together as friends, and ten as loves. We still cared deeply for each other. I never saw someone who spent that much time with one person and still feel it. It was quite the amazing feeling. I’d never change it for the world.


After spending time with our friends and each other and celebrating my twenty-fifth birthday we had to see him off again. Nothing in this world would ever erase the pain I felt the night of my birthday as I let him go. We were sitting at my table after a nice candlelit dinner for two, a nice wine with soft music in the background. I wanted him badly that night. He was supposed to take me to forever be his, to take my virginity even. I wanted to show him how much he meant to me. After the dinner he stood up from the table and walked to my side took me up in his wonderful strong arms and we swayed with the music and danced for a bit longer then we sat back down and he looked at me with his intense brown eyes, his light brown hair falling into his gaze, and he was unaffected by it. I pushed my dark brown hair around my ears and smiled at him.
“Julie I want to do something but I don’t want to do it without your consent.”
“What is it Taylor?” I asked hoping it was what I wanted that night.
“Would it be alright if I became a soldier as a career?” He asked his brown eyes lighting up with excitement as they always did when he really wanted something.

Hearing those words my heart tore in two. I wanted him to be happy that’s all I ever wanted, reason why I was going to allow him to take something special from me. My plans fell through and my world crashed between my ears.
“Of course if that’s what you want Tay.” I said without missing a beat. Surprising so much can happen in such a short period of time. He reached for my hand and I pulled away and looked at him my eyes steeling over and my heart turning cold and metal. What I had to do would not be easy but it was going to be best for the both of us.
“Although this may seem like I’m making an ultimatum but its not. I just can’t continue this type of relationship. We both want different things in life now Tay. Its just not going to work with what we want to do. Maybe if our paths cross again in the future we can try again, just not anymore. Not like this. I can’t do it. I love you Taylor. But our paths don’t follow each other anymore.” I said it and stood up and blew out the candles

I didn’t want to hear any objections as how we could make it work. I missed the physical side of our relationship. I needed it. I craved it. He couldn’t provide it being a soldier. Not to mention the stretches of time we’d see each other would be less and less, and the temptations may become to strong for him and that would be far worse. He got up and grabbed my wrist. I turned to look at him and kept my cool composure.

“I understand Julie. I love you too. I just wanted you to know that. I wish you the best of luck, in what ever you do. And you will always be my best friend.” He pulled me close and embraced me before he let go he kissed my forehead and started for the door and threw his bag over his shoulder and halfway turned and gave his playful smile. My knees went weak and he winked and walked out of my life forever.

Its been ten years since that day, and here I am at the age of thirty-five. I was married to a wonderful girl. No other male was able to enter my life after that day and when that note came to my door stating that in a practice a live grenade was used. My love held me close as I wept for the only man I cared for. She was very supportive and kind. In truth she was exactly what Taylor was to me except female.
The funeral service was lovely, everything the way he wanted it fifteen years ago. His flower arrangement was one I’ve never seen before. The flowers that we picked when we were ten: daisies, daffodils and buttercups. He was so still as if he was sleeping again. I affectionately ran my fingers along his facial features and walked away. Still being the strong one for our friends we walked back to the service. The priest stood up and cleared his throat.

“These words were found in young Taylor’s chest pocket upon cleaning his uniform.
My dear friends I know doing what I’m doing is rough on us all but I am doing it for it is what I believe in. I know each and everyone of you have done what you have done because you believed in it. Times here are not the greatest but its not hell like many make it seem to be. The clouds are still white the sky is blue, and the mud is brown!”
That got a few chuckles out of people. Go figure even as he left us he left us with words to laugh at. The priest continued.
“My path took me down this way and I followed with my heart. Although my full heart was not in it, a large chunk was left with the one I long for even now. We shared many memories, the tears and the fears, the spiders and the sports, the bruises and the cuts. She will always carry my love. I will never love another much as I did her. Yes I made love! To all you macho guys out there! But I wished with everything a man could wish for that it was Julie Walkerton. No one holds so much of my heart nor in such a high regard. Whoever holds her heart and love now is a very special person and better treat her with what she needs to be treated with. She needed something I could not provide and not a day went by that I never thought about her but I never regretted my choice. Nor did she ever regret hers. The separation of our two lives was needed. Julie I know you’re listening now…although our paths did not cross yet they will again where all paths cross I will meet you at those gates…you do not have to be strong for anyone out there sitting in those pews…but do not shed tears for me for I am always in your heart.”

The priest finished up and I sat up tall and looking out onto the world and I gave my wistful smile at the casket as it came by, and it grew into a grin. Many would’ve thought me sadistic or cold hearted. I knew it was what Taylor wanted. At the gravesite I stepped up and plucked one daisy, one daffodil and one butter cup and walked away before they even started. I had my closure I was going home with her tonight, and spend time with her, she needed my time now, I took hers for long enough.