Fast, but not who you think I am.

This is a spoken word poem I wrote on the speed my life has been lived. A story on me.

Fast, but not who you think I am.


Every time I show up
I pop some, take some,
And sink into my mind
Fading faster than dark can subtract
It’s light weight.

See fast, 18 years old
I’ve been living a pace that’s
Numbed my face and stretched
These serotonin dreams
Until they mix in with the reality
That I always succumb my sanctions to.
It’s not all bad energy
The way I type my soul
And try to amend my maniac mentions
And hostile approaches,
It brings with me, life
It brings with me, purpose
It’s brings with me a reason
For all of this skepticism.

I searched with LSD
For the bounts of gold
And I come back with answers worth passing on,
There are things I’ve done
And things I regret I didn’t,
Still ending up here
Someplace, as someone demented
With the notion of change.
I toss fossils of the past off the edge
As I try to sharpen my current one,
I toss them into a wishing well
Hoping any person wishes well upon
The dreams I see becoming reality.

I always worked hard in trying to be my own,
I was compared and contrasted
As my ends meet wasn’t enough to shine bright
In this world which darkens its hope of
Taking flight towards the sun.
I am a son to a man I admire
And a son of the world I am intrigued exists,
By chance we are here and by chance do I see it
As I perceive the world in metaphors and numbers
Piecing together riddles and symbols
Figuring out these schemes and patterns
Of a big blue dot in the midst of star shopping.

I often forget the humbleness and rather
Embrace the ego forgetting what it’s like
To be free of expectation,
I think I’m capable but also doubt my tendencies
And as I crawl among the remanence of clean air,
Over the toppled amounts of gold,
Across the bottom of vast ocean floors,
I still remember the title I gave myself
As a boy that will be different from the rest
No matter what I have to do
In order to feel the feeling of resonance
That this is my path and mine alone.

Perfect? By no means.
Worthy? I doubt it.
Agile? I do hope so, but these dodges are turning slow.
It’s just, someplace somewhere in me was frosted over
As my confidence shattered like ice and I realize I can’t forget what it’s like to be free of expectations
Or the thrill of the drug craze
Or how I slowly watched myself die quick;
It felt sillily like control over my life.

I’m stained now, with bloody regret,
And yet all I want is a pill to keep my wits
And to free me of this rage that won’t cool.
I’m a machine engineered by people who have admitted the hate they feel towards me,
I’m engraved with these two signatures
And as my pen glides across paper
I’m forever going to remember
How they came to eventually reject me.

I’m not a pretty face when you stare at my scars or
When you touch my soul,
I’m not a fancy dancer who’s able to tiptoe past his insecurities
Able to make the ballet in time for the judgement scores,
I’m not someone who feels the right to be happy or
Someone who feels it’s okay to be sad;
Im simply a broken toy that was cracked and creased
Long ago when I had clustered dreams of hanging from stars
Just to play myself like a puppet, tossing away my own worth once satisfied.

Live fast, I’m 18 years old and
I’ve born a mission that I feel is noble, one I believe
Will teach me selfish things, but with those selfish teachings
Will follow my pursuit to help others find some sense
In this hell forsaken world we live in,
A world where I am full of anger,
A world where I still want to be healed in,
A world where I will better myself for;
A world where I will try and learn to calm down and live a little slower.