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An anthro-based parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit". |
| [Introduction]
I'll be honest with you. I'm more familiar with the Lord of the Rings films by Peter Jackson, then I am with Tolkien's original novels, having never actually read them. But hopefully, this shouldn't be too big of an issue, as I've tried to understand the world and lore behind the story as much as possible via wikis and YouTube. However, I did read The Hobbit when I was in 7th grade, and still remember pretty much the whole story, beat for beat. This particular story will be based more on the book than the LOTR prequel films. However, once this item is over with, I intend to do the same with the LOTR trilogy as well, but those stories will be based more on the films. Are we clear? Alright then, let's get this story started... |
| (By the way, I forgot to mention that if anybody reading this is interested in joining us in writing this series, they are more than welcome to send the author an invitation request.) In a hole in the ground, there lived a rabbit. Not a spreading sinkhole threatening to swallow up anything unlucky enough to step in it, nor a sewer hole leading to a maze of foul-smelling pipes beneath some city. This was a rabbit hole, and that meant plenty of space, plenty of privacy, and most of all, plenty of food. What's that? Oh, yes, I suppose I should give a brief explanation on rabbits, seeing as they are so rarely ever seen in most of the world today. Rabbits are small creatures, rarely coming up farther than the height of a man's knee as adults. Their most distinguishing feature is their long, sensitive ears, which they use to sense approaching danger from long distances to great effect. They are typically converted in a thick coat of fur, ranging in color from brown to black, or sometimes pure white. They are extremely quick on their feet, and are generally very timid and peaceful beings. Although, they can be rather vicious when cornered with no other option but to fight. Rabbits generally stay among their own kind, rarely ever venturing beyond the borders of the their homeland. Which explains why you most likely haven't heard of them. Anyway, this particular rabbit hole was the home of a rabbit by the name of Bugso Biggens. Although he had no clue of it at the time, he and his kin would soon have a hand in changing the very fate of Upper-Middle-Earth. One spring morning, Bugso sat outside the entrance of his hole, munching on a stalk of celery from his own garden as he enjoyed the warm sun shining down on his furry little body. Just then, his ears picked up the sound of approaching feet very slowly making their way up the hill that his hole rested atop of. For what seemed like quite a while, he heard the noise growing steadily louder, but saw nothing so much as peek above the horizon. Finally, the tip of a large pointy hat appeared, followed by a wizened, aged face with a long beard, dressed in a green cloak and carrying a long knobbly staff as a walking stick. Bugso could tell at once by the figure's hunched posture, slow gait and large shell covering his body that they were a tortoise. Being friendly, Bugso called out "Hello! Lovely day, isn't it?" The tortoise nodded "Indeed. Tell me, do you happen to have any plans for the near future? Anything scheduled for the next several months?" Bugso gave a confused look. What an odd question! "Who wants to know, if I may ask?" The tortosie chuckled "It depends. I am known by many monikers, but you may just call me Sandal. Or, Sandal the Green if you want to be formal." At this, Bugso's jaw nearly dropped! "My! This is an honor! I don't know how I didn't recognize you! If you must know, I don't really have anything planned for the foreseeable future. Or ever, for that matter. I'm just a plain and simple rabbit, who wishes to live out his days in peace and comfort." "Well then, I'd say you're perfect for the job!" "Job? What job?" "You'll see, once I tell the others. Me and some associates are planning an adventure of sorts, you see. We shall fill you in on the details later tonight." At the word "adventure, Bugso immediately jumped onto his feet and spluttered "Oh! No! No thank you! I'm perfectly happy right here! Goodbye!" With that, he hopped back into his hole, and ended the conversation. Sandal chuckled. This would be most interesting. Not to mention amusing, might even make for a good book. |
| Bugso went back to fixing his tea, only to turn around, and see Sandal sitting in a chair, his comfy chair. The rabbit sighed. "What do you want me for?" The tortoise got out a pipe, filled it with smokables, and lit it. "Got a job that someone of your sort is uniquely suited to. It's risky, dangerous even, but the reward is rather valuable." "I'm not interested in being gone for months on end," said Bugso. "I have all I need, or want, here." Sandal puffed on his pipe. "I understand," he said. "Still, my friends and I could use a place to stay for the night, along with a bite of supper, and perhaps breakfast." "How many?" Bugso asked. "Oh, just a few." |
| Bugso sighed again, before reluctantly agreeing. "Alright. You and your associates may spend the night. But no longer than tonight. And I make no promises that I'll join in whatever you may be planning. Understand?" Sandal nodded. "Fair enough. I shall tell the others at once." He stood from Bugso's chair and prepared to leave. But as he took a step, he accidentally tripped on his own beard, causing it to rip off from his face completely! "Your beard is a fake?" Bugso asked, perplexed. "Of course. I am a reptile, after all. We generally don't have hair at all." Sandal replied somewhat embarassed, as he picked up his beard from the floor. "Then why wear it?" "Let's just say it adds to my appearance as a wizard. And it's useful for keeping warm in the winter. Anyway, I shall see you later tonight." With that, he made his way out of the hole, down the hill and off to tell his associates the news. "What are the consequences of what I've just done?" Bugso wondered aloud to himself. Something deep inside told him he would regret agreeing to the wizard's proposal... Later that evening, Bugso had prepared a nice sized meal for himself, and up to five guests. He figured when Sandal had said "a few", he couldn't possibly mean more than that. Just then, the little bell he had put at the entrance to his rabbit hole to announce when company had arrived rang. Poking his head out, Bugso was surprised to see not Sandal, but a Mole dressed is a red traveling cloak. The mole bowed in greeting and said "Hello. Dorbin, at your service." Remembering his manners, Bugso replied "Bugso Biggens, at yours. I take it you're a friend of Sandal?" "Indeed I am. Not to be rude, but I hope you've prepared a good meal for us. I've traveled a long way, and am rather hungry." "Why yes, just finished setting the table, in fact." Stepping aside, Bugso allowed Dorbin into his home and showed him to the dining room. "Is this all the space you have?" Dorbin asked as he took a seat at the table. "I should think you'll be needing a good many more chairs." Bugso's stomach sank at those words. Just how much company would he get tonight? |
| The door soon knocked again. Bugso went, opened it, and saw a skunk. "Sandal sent me," the skunk said. "Bamboz is my name." "Um, enter," said Bugso. The skunk looked around. "I hope that there's enough room. The inn had none, and I don't fancy paying to sleep in a barn." |
| There was another knock on the door, with a grizzled badger waiting outside. “Took you look enough,” the badger said in a semi-snarl. “Sandal sent me, but even a rabbit should have figured that out.” |
| Before Bugso knew it, he was busy running back and forth from his pantry, bringing his guests more food. Although they really didn't seem to care much for it, and were likely only eating it because there was nothing else on offer. "Not to be ungrateful." Dorbin said "But do you have anything besides vegetables?" The skunk and badger nodded in agreement. "I'm sorry, but we rabbits are strict vegetarians when it comes to meals. I do have some nice desserts, however." Soon he was running various cakes and pies to the table, before there was yet another knock at the door. "Please let that be Sandal." Bugso said under his breath as he went to answer. Indeed, it was Sandal. Along with a host of other various critters. "Ah, Bugso! So glad you could accommodate us." Sandal said as the group made their way inside. Bugso tried to remain calm, but could help but give Sandal a look that said "This is your idea of a few?" For the next hour, Bugso was more or less reduced to a waiter, constantly running food and drinks back and forth. Meanwhile, Sandal and his guests made themselves at home. Before long, barely any food was left in Bugso's home at all. "Now then." Sandal announced once everyone had satisfied their hunger "Before we get down to business, I think it only polite for us to thank our most gracious host." Bugso had expected them to actually say the words "thank you" out loud. But instead, what he got was a chorus of loud belches that echoed throughout his home. "Um...you're welcome?" He said hesitantly after the last one had finished. |
| Sandal looked at the group. "Use words, not belches. They don't use belches around here as compliments." "They do in Florinz." "This ain't Florinz, and we know that you got us kicked out of there after the incident with the Mayor's husband," said Sandal. "I didn't know that he was married to him!" |
| “You two need to get over that,” the Badger said, picking his teeth. “Anyway, waste of time, mating with just one partner. We badgers do it sensibly. Find a suitable female, bed her in her den and not yours, and let her deal with any brats resulting from the funfest.” The Badger had a self-satisfied smile on his face, thinking on all the progeny he had running around that he never had to have a hand in raising. “Anyway,” the Badger continued, turning to Bugso, “The strawberry rhubarb pie wasn’t bad, so by way of thanks, I’ll let you know who you have the honor and pleasure of serving. I’m Xoga. Yep, The Xoga. Bane of dogs, nightmare of cats and The Badger by which all other badgers are weighed, measured and found wanting. Speaking of wanting, I’m wanting another round of that last lager you served us.” |
| Bugso was increasingly beginning to dislike this Xoga character. But he fulfilled his duties as the host regardless, and brought the badger his drink. "Now then, I trust you all have made the needed arrangements for yourselves?" Sandal said, and the group nodded. "Good. Then we are all set. We shall begin our journey tomorrow at the break of dawn." Thank goodness, Bugso thought, before asking "Just where are you going, may I ask?" Everyone turned to look at him. "You haven't told him?" A mouse asked incredulously "What? Told me what?" "I may have...shall we say, volunteered your services for this lot's expedition." Sandal said. Needless to say, Bugso was fit to be tied at hearing this. "You did what!? I told you before, whatever it is you're planning, I want no part of it! What services could I provide, anyway!?" "We need someone small, fast and quiet for when we reach our destination." Dorbin explained. "In other words, we need a thief." Bugso couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Then you've got the wrong rabbit! I'm no thief! I've never stolen anything!" "Well, it would be more like re-obtaining something that had already been stolen from its rightful owners." A gopher clarified, not that it made Bugso feel any better. "Just what are you all planning, anyway?" "To put it simply, we plan to journey to the other side of Upper-Middle-Earth to slay a dragon and take back our rightful home." Xoga put bluntly. "Did you say dragon?" Bugso said with a hint of fear. "Yes. Quite a large one at that, and none too fond of company. But once he's dealt with, our quest will prove to be quite profitable for all involved. Including you, Mr Biggens, provided if any of us survive to see the journey's end." Sandal interjected. "If I survive?" Bugso stuttered. This was all too much for his little body to take. He fainted dead away one the spot, and didn't revive until the next morning. At first he thought it had all been a dream, but then saw the dishes from his guests meal were still all over the table. "They must have left without me." He said to himself. "So much the better. They must be mad, to think I would want anything to do with their crazy quest!" |
| This lasted for five seconds - then he heard singing, and soon saw Bamboz getting water ready for washing dishes. "Sorry about the mess," the skunk said. "Most of the rest are doing some last minute shopping." "And what are you doing?" Bugso asked. "Doing the dishes," said Bomboz. "Never feels right to just leave a mess, if one can potentially clean up before leaving." "Not what I'm talking about," said Bugso. "Well, long story short, our families used to live in a place that was perfect for trading - bit of a city actually," said Bomboz. "Anyone could make an honest living - some had even turned over their lives as a result - that was how good it was. But then, the dragon came." "What happened?" Bugso asked. "I don't know the whole story, but according to grandfather, one day, they were happy, and the next, all had to leave," the skunk said. "Grandfather was just the son of a shopkeeper, so he wasn't told much, but he'd heard that a deal had gone wrong, involving the dragon." |
| “Yeah, that’s what I heard too,” Xoga added, walking up with a snack that had been dug out of Bugso’s pantry. By the looks of it, Xoga’s snack might have been something Bugso had meant to hide away for a special occasion. “Don’t know if it was the best of all places,” Xoga continued, as he finished off his snack, leaving crumbs on the floor. “Heard there was some very unbadgerlike behavior going on in this city. Male and female badgers setting up households and raising families together. But that dragon ran badgers out of their dens. And that, friend rabbit, is an insult no badger can tolerate.” The last was said with raw fierceness, with all traces of pomposity absent from Xoga’s voice. |
| Just then, the rest of the party returned with various foods and supplies for their journey. As they made their final preparations, Bomboz continued telling Bugso the story. "As I was saying, this city was a very wealthy trade port. So wealthy in fact, that not far from the city was a mountain, where they would store their gold and other valuables. A sort of vault, if you will. Dragons have a natural affinity for treasure, you see, so this particular one who goes by the name of Krogg, basically swindled the mayor out of the deed to the land that the city was on, and immediately declared that everyone was to leave at once. All of our ancestors were among those who were evicted, and we have been banished from our rightful home ever since. While Krogg hordes our inheritance all to himself." "I sympathize with your plight." Busgo said "Really, I do. But how could I possibly be of any help on this quest of yours?" "You're a rabbit." Said a Dorbin " You're small and quick on your feet. You'd be perfect to sneak into the mountain vault, find the deed to the land, and bring it back to us without Krogg ever even noticing." "Of course, you would be compensated quite well for helping us." Bomboz added. |
| "Thought that you said that your grandfather didn't know the whole story?" Bugso asked, looking at Bomboz. "No, but one hears others tell it, or at least pieces of it," said Bomboz. "Honestly, I don't know if it's the whole truth. Heck, for all I know, the dragon might have been legitimately hired to be a guard for the city's valuables, only for the mayor to try to swindle him out of proper payment, and maybe, some folks weren't as honest as they claimed to be, and perhaps the dragon didn't want to provide protection to a bunch of criminals, and thus kicked them out in leu of getting the proper authorities involved, who may have wanted to do a different sort of punishment instead of making folks houseless and lacking material wealth." "Really?" Bugso asked. "I just want to know the truth of the matter," the skunk said. |
| Xoga grunted at the whole exchange. Whether the grunt was an editorial comment, or the settling of the lager on his stomach, was difficult to tell. |
| With all preparations complete, the party gathered at the base of Bugso's hill, ready to set off on their excursion. Sandal turned to Bugso, who stood atop the hill, looking down at them as they prepared to depart. "Last chance to change your mind!" Sandal called as the others had already begun heading east. Despite his earlier words, Bugso felt conflicted inside on what to do. On one hand, he really didn't feel like risking his life for a group of strangers. But on the other, his good nature urged him to aid them in their quest to reclaim their home. Finally, his good nature won out, and he quickly jumped back into his hole to gather some travelling gear of his own. He gave himself a once over in the mirror, as he stood with his little cloak and small bag of supplies. "I just know I'm going to regret doing this." He sighed before setting out and hurrying off in the group's direction. After about ten minutes of running, he managed to catch up with Sandal and company. "Glad you decided to tag along." Sandal said with a knowing smirk. Bugso gave a small grunt, as if to say "Whatever. Let's get this story over with." For the first few days, things were rather peaceful. They passed through various fields and villages, stopping to rest every so often for meals or to sleep. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all." Bugso thought. BOOM! No sooner had he thought that, it began to violently downpour rain and thunder. Bugso couldn't help but sigh in disbelief. "I should have known." For hours, the group huddled beneath a large canopy to escape the rain, soaking wet and miserable. It was only now that the group realized that Sandal was no longer among them. Being a tortoise, he was naturally the slowest of the group when it came to mobility, so they figured he must have fallen behind. After the rain finally stopped, they found the kindling they had was too wet to make a fire, and they were running low on food. As night fell, they saw a light off in the distance. "Perhaps whoever made it could help us." Said the mouse. "Or they could be dangerous." Dorbin countered. The group turned to Bugso. "Very well." He said exasperated "I'll go ahead and see if they're friendly." "If you run into danger, just chitter like a chipmunk." Xoga advised. Bugso crept through the darkness towards the clearing, as the light grew brighter and warmer as he came nearer. He saw a large fire in the center, with an even larger stewpot hanging over it. Around the fire sat three immensely obese figures, their foul stench wafting through the air with the mind, nearly making Bugso gag. Oh no, Bugso thought, Trolls! But these were no common trolls that you find under a random bridge. Neither were they the cute kind with huge, colorful hair. These were the worst kinds of trolls, the ones that live to insult and belittle others just for fun, and probably to make themselves feel better about their below average intelligence and terrible acne. "Hey, &^%$-face, how much longer until the stew is finished?" "About as long as it usually takes me to finish plowing your mum." "So not long at all then." Yes, I'm afraid trolls really are like that, and worse. It was then Bugso decided to make his way back to the group and warn them, when suddenly... |
| He saw what the stew was - other sentient beings, ones still alive. Now, he was in a quandary. Should he try to help them? Go get others to help them? Or just ignore them? |
| “Hey, €### $******#,” a third troll chimed in, walking up with a burlap sack full of squirming shapes. “What should I do with these? Add them to the stew?” “You should shove them up your @$$,” a trollish voice said. “How about I shove my foot up your @$$€$?” The troll holding the bag dropped it and charged the other two trolls. Soon a three way brawl was going on between the trolls. Bugso got a tap on his shoulder, to see a raccoon standing by his side. “I’m Brusagon,” the raccoon said by way of introduction. “Think you can sneak anyone still alive out while I keep the trolls busy with my ventriloquism?” |
| "Right." Bugso whispered, silently making his way over to the stewpot as the three trolls pummeled each other. One by one, he helped each creature that had been captured out of the pot. They each gave a small nod of thanks, before scurrying off into the woods for home. Then Bugso opened the sack the third troll had been carrying, only to find it was his party that had been captured! Before they could thank him, however, one of the trolls noticed them. "Hey! That little $&#^ just cost us our dinner!" The trolls stopped beating the snot out of each other long enough to grab Bugso and company. Seeing as their previous ingredients had escaped, they decided to make due with the captive rabbit and his companions. And I'm sorry to say, that's where our tale ends, with Bugso and the party being cooked alive and served to trolls for supper. The End No, I'm only kidding! Of course it doesn't end like that! This story would be far too short otherwise! No, here's what really happened next. The trolls discovered Brusagon hiding in the bushes before adding him to the stew as well. But they had spent so much time chasing and capturing the critters, they hadn't realized how much time had passed. Just as the stew was nearly ready, another voice called out "To ash with the lot of you!" The trolls turned to see a tortoise in a green cloak and pointy hat standing atop the cave overlooking their lair. "Who the &%$# is tha-" One of them began to say, but his inquiry quickly turned to cries of agony, as the sun's first light peeked from over the tree tops. All three trolls instantly burst into flames, quickly burning down to nothing but piles of ash. For you see, trolls spend so much of their lives living in dark, dank places (such as their parent's basements) that their skin cannot tolerate even the smallest hint of natural light. Mere seconds of exposure is enough to reduce them to cinders. Making his way down the slope, Sandal freed the group from the pot, though they still smelled like troll stew for a good while afterwards. "Where did you go?" Bugso asked. "I am a tortoise, you know." Sandal replied "It's not my fault if you lot walk too fast. Hmmm, Those trolls likely have a horde somewhere in that cave. Might be worth checking out." |
| Lighting some torches, the party ventured into the cave. Indeed, Sandal's hunch had been correct. There was a good sized cache of various valuables, no doubt taken from poor previous victims. Among them were various weapons, ranging from daggers to axes and crossbows. Figuring it would be a shame to let such tools go to waste rusting away, the group armed themselves with whatever they could suitably find. "I just thought of something." Dorbin said. "What's that?" Asked a squirrel. "In retrospect, it's really a good thing we got captured by those trolls, because otherwise we wouldn't have found this trove. And none of us thought to bring any weapons on this journey!" "Yes...you have a point here....rather stupid on our part..." |
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