THE MOST PAINFUL KINDNESS

SAYING GOODBYE TO MY BEST FRIEND

I was only young when I first got Charlie, and he was just a pup himself. I remember the first time I saw him all those years ago, in that room at the dog home. Well, I just fell in love with him. I thought he would be a little shy to meet us all, but he really wasn't. He was excitedly running around investigating that family meeting room we were all in together that day. The one with the easy clean floor. Mum & Dad said to wait and be patient and not to chase the puppies around. So when he finally wandered over to me, I just sensed he was the one. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Instinct just told me I could trust him, so I lay down flat on the floor, so he could walk right up to me and smell me. Then hopefully he would know he could trust me too. So as we looked into each others eyes, and he crept closer to me, our noses touched, and we kind of smelled each other, and that was that. From that very moment, we were best friends. We just played with each other, ignoring all the other puppies in the room, and to be honest, all the people too. I just wanted to play with him all day and I loved to hear the excited little noises that he made. Yes, he was definitely the one for me, and thankfully Mum & Dad agreed., because Mum went to sort the paperwork out with the dog home people, and my world changed. It was the best day of my life. Well that was 14 years ago, and today, is the worst day of my life. This is the day I have to say goodbye to my beloved Charlie.

I know it's time, and I feel Charlie knows it too. Cancer was diagnosed the last time we were at the vets and there is just nothing that anyone can do about that. So for the last couple of weeks we have spent all our time together, having the most amazing adventures and doing all the things we loved to do. Well the stuff that wasn't too tiring anyway. Hiking (but not too far) Camping out in the hills and woods. Playing fetch, whether in the park or down on the beach. And of course going into the sea for a swim. Also doing all our tricks, because Charlie is really smart. Though he has taught me more than I ever taught him. But mostly just laying beside each other, watching TV, or the sun going down or cars passing the front of the house. Anything. It didn't matter. Just laying together, spending all that precious time with each other, and reassuring each other. Letting him know how much I love him. Trying, impossibly, to find a way to say goodbye.

So before the worst of the pain comes, the decision for today's visit has already been preplanned. We are now driving, on our way to the vet's on this beautiful autumn evening, for the last time. I'm trying to be strong for Charlie, but I am just terrified. I cant imagine what it would be like to just never see him again, so I try to push those thoughts away for now. If he senses my emotions then he might get scared and upset, and I just cant have that. Since our early days together our bond has been so strong, that I know Charlie understands everything that I feel, because I can understand everything that he feels. So he has to know this is the right thing to do. The humane thing to do. Devastating and painful to do, but the best decision for everyone. I need him to be as strong as possible today so that I can get through this . Whilst we drive, I glance over my shoulder at him and he looks back at me. Such a beautiful boy. But his eyes are so sad now and I can't bear it. He has always been so happy and full of life, yet now he just looks, defeated. My heart is breaking and I turn away again to hide my pain. I don't want him to be too distressed today for what is to come. I take a deep breath and steady myself. We are almost there.

I saved his life years ago. Well, so Mum and Dad told me. They said I had been very brave, even called me a hero. But I never thought so. I was consumed with guilt because it was my fault Charlie got hurt. It was back when we were both so young, not long after I first got him, and we were out together for a walk. Just the two of us, in the park across the road from our house. A strange dog I had never seen before was there with a man. It was off it's lead and came over to us. He seemed friendly enough and I said hello to him and then he started sniffing around Charlie. I never thought there was any danger. The man with him never seemed concerned. Charlie was a bit timid of this dog, but he was still so young and I knew he should really start getting used to other dogs, so I thought everything was fine. I was distracted for just a second while looking at the man who was walking towards us, calling the dogs name. That was all it took. And then I heard Charlie scream.

The dog had him by the leg and was shaking him violently. Charlie was on the ground screaming and completely terrified, trying to get away. But the dog had his jaws locked onto him. The horrible high pitched screams he made makes me sick thinking about them to this day. The man began to run towards us and was shouting the dogs name in panic. Everything that happened next, is just a blur really, because I had no time to think and my instinct took over and I just threw myself onto the dog and pinned it to the ground. Thankfully he released his grip on Charlie's leg, but those jaws came swinging for me, and I have no idea how he didn't sink his teeth deep into my neck. There was fabric and cotton stuffing flying everywhere though because he had got a mouthful of the jacket I had been wearing and was eating his way through that. But I got him pinned to the ground until the man got there and dragged him away from me. Thankfully, as it was Winter my jacket was thick and padded and thats what he had bitten into. I had really liked that jacket. It was so nice and warm, and was an army camouflage style with a patch with my name on it. But thanks to its sacrifice, I never got a scratch. Though of course I didn't care about myself and would have taken that monsters jaws straight to my throat to get him off my boy. Charlie had tried to run away but his leg was in an awful mess. There was blood everywhere and he was still whimpering in fear and pain. I didn't know what to do and I just went to him and tried to comfort him, and all I could do was cry for help. The man was just apologising and trying to control his dog, but basically doing nothing to help. I was so frightened and I felt completely helpless and useless. But I also felt ashamed and guilty for letting that happen to my defenceless little Charlie boy.

Thankfully Dad had heard all the screaming and commotion from across the road and was running towards us. I have never been so pleased to see him in all my life. I tried to tell him what had happened, but through all the stress and shock of the situation, and that mad dog still barking its head off, I also ended up just barking senseless noises at him through my cries. Heaven only knows what he thought when he saw that scene. But I knew he would know just what to do, because he usually always does. He was trying to calm me down as he picked up Charlie with such loving care, so as not to hurt him any further. I think he is the only person, apart from Mum, I would have trusted to do that. Then he ran carrying Charlie straight to his car that was parked outside our house. He had shouted something at the man with the dog, who had by now securely tied his dog to the railing by the park entrance was running after Dad still apologising between every other footstep. By this time Mum had come out too and she looked in total bewildered shock. Dad stayed really calm because she burst into tears when she saw the state of Charlie and me, and he told her to look after me and make sure I was ok, because he had to take Charlie straight to the surgery out of town. I didn't want to leave Charlie and had jumped into the car with him, but Dad wouldn't let me come and against my howling protests Mum took me into the house and checked me over to make sure I hadn't been bitten. She was trying to reassure me, though she was crying along with me, and all she could do was just hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok, like I was the one who had been injured. We heard Dad shouting at the man outside before he drove off with Charlie to get his leg treated, and who knows how many shots.

Hours later Dad came home and I ran to the window when I heard his car. But Charlie was not with him and fearing the worst I froze in pure terror. When he came into the house he explained to Mum and I, that Charlie had to be taken to another place, a special vets where he had to have an emergency surgery and he would have to stay overnight. Mum then said she was going to go there and see him because she had to take him the medication he was having and she also wanted to take a toy for him so that he would not be so scared. Mum is so kind and thoughtful like that. I begged to go with her but they said there was no point because I would not be able to see him. I just cried all night and could not stop worrying about him. I couldn't eat any dinner that night, even though Dad got me my favourite things to try cheer me up. But I was just sick with worry. It was the longest night of my life. But the next day Charlie came home. Mum brought him in through the front door and as I stood in the hall waiting impatiently, I was almost too scared to see him. I was terrified he would not come to me. He would blame me for what had happened and not love me anymore. I just stood shaking. Then I saw him, all bandaged up but thank heaven he was still able to walk. And his face was smiling when he saw me. Despite his injury he ran to me and just covered me in so much love, as any creature could have ever given. I was so happy I just cried. It turns out he was just as worried about me. From that day on we were inseparable. So now, after 14 happy years of adventures and fun filled days with the most loyal, caring companion and best friend I could have ever wished for, here we are. Parked up outside the Vet's surgery. And neither of us can move. So we sit a while longer together. Steadying ourselves for what will be, after the many thousands we have shared, our final walk together.

I move off my seat and climb over the centre console of our car, to sit beside him and kiss his neck the way he likes, and let him know it's time to go. We get out and walk slowly to the entrance to the Vets office, breathing in the cool evening air. They are expecting us and everything has been prepared, so we get led straight through to a room at the back of the building. I look at Charlie as he walks, so slowly towards that door, and give him gentle encouragement to keep going. The room, although they have tried to make it look nice, is still a sterile metal surgical room. Just a few decorative pictures on the walls, attempting to lessen the impact of what happens here. The vet, we have seen before and gave us the devastating news previously. Though years of experience with these matters have made him pragmatic and realistic, he still has a kind face. I trust him to undertake this unpleasant and dreadful duty. Although we have spent the last few weeks preparing for this next moment, and everything has been said, and every treat and pampered experience given.... it suddenly feels as though it's not enough. I know this needs to be done, and delaying further will only cause unnecessary distress, but it just feels too unreal to be actually happening. I fight the fear of the unknown without Charlie. What kind of man would bring their cherished pet, their pride and joy, their best friend, to this place to be destroyed? Well, that's easy, I can tell you. A very sorry, broken hearted, but unselfish, brave and compassionate man. If I do say so myself. And for all those who are just now struggling in a similar position, take heart and know you are doing the right thing.

So as we sit together on the floor and hold onto each other on the special blanket we brought from home. And silently say those final things to each other through our special bond, there is almost a serene peace washing over us. I hear the vet say there will be a small sharp scratch as the line goes into the vein in the leg, and when we are ready, he will put the lovely doggie to sleep. I just look at Charlie's face and now I feel the bravest I have ever been. Braver than waiting all night for Charlie to come home after the time he was in hospital. Braver than jumping on top of that dog to save him. Braver than any of the countless times that I had to be brave for my sweet beautiful Charlie. I hardly even feel the scratch of the needle as it goes into my hind leg. Charlie says to the vet through his choking tears "You promise he wont feel any pain". "Not a thing" The kindly vet replied "He will just slowly drift off". And then Charlie nods to the vet, and I start to feel warm. But I just keep looking at my Charlie. Look at him for the last time, and feel more love than I ever have before. I am going to miss him so much, but I don't want to see him so lost and upset. I want him to go on and live a wonderful long happy life. Maybe even get another dog. Well....Maybe! But , Oh My, what a lucky dog that would be. I'm feeling tired now, so very suddenly, washing over me. But I don't fight it because it feels so peaceful. My eyes are closing and the last thing I see is Charlie's face as the light fades away. But I still smell him though. That wonderful, reassuring, safe smell of home. Unique to Charlie. From that very first day I met him and fell in love with him. That scent was everything to me, and I will never forget it. Not in a hundred years. And when your time comes Charlie, after many wonderful happy years of adventure and fun. Hiking and camping and swimming in the sea, I will still remember that smell, and I will find you. "I love you Cullan" is the last thing I hear him say. He named me Cullan, because he said it was Gaelic for handsome. And, as he told me every single day of my life..... I was such a clever handsome boy.