Odd Diction

For "The Writer's Cramp" 
Words: 344

"Way, down upon the Delaware River,
Far, far away ..."

"Stop, stop," shouted Simon Cowell, waving wildly.

It took a few seconds for George and Abe to realise that the background track had gone off and the judges were signalling. They stopped belting out their song.

"Thank goodness," Simon Cowell said. "Listen, you need to get your lyrics right to audition for America's Got Talent."

"No, no, Mr. Cowell, sir, we're putting our own spin on it. We seek our independence from the lyrics which have already been sung."

"That's not how this contest works," Simon stated, gruffly. "Now, I give you thirty seconds. You got another song?"

"Yes, yes, we do," Abe said. He waved to the sound manager who gave him the thumbs-up and the next track began to play.

" ... cherry tree, very pretty,
and the cherry flower is sweet,
but the fruit of the poor cherry is impossible to eat ..."

"That's LEMON tree," Simon roared, so loudly that no signals were needed. "Now, you two, that's enough, let the next contestant come on please."

"But Simon," George protested. "We artistes and performers dwell in the enlightened age of emancipation. We choose the fruit we want to sing about. We pick cherries, not lemons, apples or oranges. We sing about a cherry tree."

"Please let the next act come on ..." Simon begged.

"Simon, Simon, we have another act," Abe said, grinning. "Will you let us put it on, please?"

"Anything to stop you singing the wrong lyrics," Simon groaned.

"Give us one minute."

The duo darted backstage. Simon raised an eyebrow at his fellow judges, who shrugged their shoulders. What were the two doing?

They soon knew. When they emerged, each was wearing a Stovepipe hat.

"We don't need a background track," George said, brightly. "This is spoken."

"Well, the stage is yours," Simon told them, muttering 'unfortunately' under his breath, but the mic caught it for the TV audience.

The two looked at each other. They nodded and, in unison, began to declaim ...

"Two-score and six years ago,
Our Grandpas brought forth ..."