We don't Panda-r to the customers here

“Good morning sir, how can I help you?”

“Are…you…talking to the bear?”

“Oh! Ma’am, I didn’t see you there. What can I do for you today?”

“I need to return this bear. We did a Secret Santa thing at work and some girl I don’t know from another department gave me this stupid thing.”

“Isn’t that odd, getting a gift from someone even though you’ve never met herbivore. If no one knows anyone else then that must have been Christmas gift panda-monium. Probably lots of returns happening.”

“Uhhhh, yeah. Okay. Can I just return it please?”

“Do you have the receipt?”

“Obviously not. As I said, it was a gift.”

“No problem, let me just check a cub-ble things. And do you know if she purchased the warranty?”

“A warranty?! On a stupid giant stuffed bear? Why would she have done that?”

“Fur protection of course. Aaaaaaand, it would mean the transaction would be in the system, which would cut the process by at least tree steps.”

“Are you making… I mean…. Look, can I return it or what? It’s not my fault I don’t have a receipt. This whole thing is taking too long, I just want to get rid of it.”

“Ma’am, calm down. I’m sure it is paws-ible.”

“You are! You are making bear puns. This is funny to you? Are you trying to mess with me right now?”

“No ma’am, I promise you that you are not being bamboo-zled, I have never had one of these returned before. In fact, I don’t think I have ever even seen one…in the wild, if you will. I am sure you can have store credit at the bear minimum. Let me just….oh…oh no…”

“Great. What now? Did you run out of ways to make dragging an eight foot bear through town and then standing here forever worse?”

“I think we might be endanger of being blocked by a claws in the return policy, cross your fingers, safari so good, but you never know.”

“You. Are. Kidding me. Just get me the manager please, or anyone competent and serious.”

“I assure you that I take my job beary beary seriously. There is no need to get upset, I am just China help you. I am happy to get the manager, I will be white black.”

“What seems to be the problem here?”

“Ms. Ranger, this customer is asking to return this item, but things have gotten a bit in tents.”

“This is a joke, right? I am on some television show, aren’t I? Someone is playing a stupid, unfunny joke on me right now.”

“Mammal I am trying to do is get the story so I can figure out what we can zoo. There is no need to huff and roar, I understand the situation seems un-bear-able.”

“You too huh?”

“Unfortunately, this branch of Beyond Stuffed has placed this model into hibernation. It is still possible to return the item but you will need to do so at our sister store down at the maul. You can start the process for her here Teddy, just have ursine this and when she gets there it will be a quick simple transaction. No hunting for information.”

“I have had enough, I’m outta here. Just keep the damn thing.”

“Ma’am come back….ma’am please get back here, you can’t just leave this lyin here.”

“Teddy, Teddy, Teddy….. that’s not a lion, it's a panda.”’


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