Irate Pie Rate

It was the ghastliest thing ever to happen. No ghastlier thing had ever cast a shadow across the brow of Ye Olde Superhero. In ghastliness, the thing that had just occurred beat every ghastly thing that had ever occurred before in Ye Olde Superhero's forty-seven years of existence.

What had happened was this.

Ye New Laundry Shoppe had failed to remove an absolutely revolting coffee stain from the front of Ye Olde Superhero's most fashionable under-over wear. This under-over wear was the last word in under-over wears, and to have a horrible coffee stain on it would make Ye Olde Superhero the absolute laughing stock of the All Hero Convention.

Determined to obtain justice and a clean fashionable under-over garment, Ye Olde Superhero marched into Ye New Laundry Shoppe, brandishing the garment like ye cloth weapon.

"Ahoy there!" the owner greeted him, most affably. "And how may we help you today?"

Ye Olde Superhero's summary of the situation was superlative. There has never been a more superlative summary in all of English Literature.

"Shiver me timbers, you don't say!" said the owner, grabbing the garment and disappearing with it behind a curtain at the side of Ye New Laundry Shoppe.

Now, Ye Olde Superhero was as honest as they come and he never ever eavesdropped on anything. He didn't mean to eavesdrop this time either but the curtain was the thinnest curtain in the world and all sound waves, even the softest utterance, carried through it.

"We must clean the stain or he'll be on to us."

"Blimey, that won't do us any good. He'll be off with the booty from the cashbox then."

Ye Olde Superhero leaned forward. What were they plotting, these Pirates of the Laundry shop? He gasped as he understood.

They were planning the most dastardly deed any villains have ever planned. They were planning to wet-clean those clothes sent for dry-cleaning, and dry-clean those for wet-cleaning, just to experiment. If there was a deed more dastardly than this, Ye Olde Superhero had yet to see it, or eavesdrop on it.

Without waiting for his under-over garment, he crept from the shop. He crept so stealthily, not even a mouse could've crept more quietly. He went to his cousin Maryann's house.

He found Maryann in her neat kitchen, baking a pie. She owned the neatest kitchen in the country, and her pies were even better than Mom's pies, which is saying something.

Once again, Ye Olde Superhero succinctly summarized, superpbly bringing Maryann up to date.

Trust Maryann to have the solution to the problem. She was the fastest thinker ever, and the best strategist. Soon, basket in hand, she was creeping back to Ye New Laundry Shoppe with Ye Olde Superhero.

It turned out Ye Olde Superhero hadn't even been missed. Just as they entered the shop, the owner emerged from behind the curtain, holding out the spotless under-over garment. Seeing his garment clean brought tears of joy to Ye Olde Superhero's eyes. Maryann had to nudge him to riemind him of their plan.

"You PIRATE!" Maryann screamed.

"Here's a Pie, now Rate it!"

With that, Maryann took the pie out of the basket and bashed it into the owner's face. Her aim was so true, at a distance of seven inches, that no aim could ever have been truer. The owner's face was dripping with pie.

"I'm not talking bilge when I say this is good grub," he stated, licking his lips and any part of his face he could reach to lick. "You lubbers sure know your pie. I rate it high."

"And you won't invert dry and wet cleaning in future?"

"No, no, I'll remove that blot from my character, I shall. Arrrrr .... you can count on it, you lubbers."

So all the laundry came out clean and everyone lived happily ever after. They were even more happy that this story had ended, because it had been rather nonsensical to read, don't you know.