Cow Convention 2024

"Whoa! Steady on there!"

"Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to bump into you, I'm just –"

"Take a deep breath, man, what is the matter with you?"

"I have to get these grassy rolls into the conference room NOW, they're mooing the phone down!"

"Oh, those bovines again! And I thought I'd seen it all when those Hollywood Divas had their annual retreat here!"

"Yeah, these cows make those women look like innocent babes, don't they? Anyway, got to get going."

Knock-knock.

"Moo's there?"

"Your grassy rolls, Madam."

"Grassy rolls moo?"

"Grassy rolls that'll get cold if you don't let me in now."

"Come in, come in, put those rolls here ..."

"Not there, you silly waiter, my tail will knock them off. Put them here."

"Are you mad, you waiter? You can't put a tray of grassy rolls among the journals and pencils!"

"Maybe you'd like to place them yourself. There's udder confusion if I try to!"

"Hey! Where is the hay? These grassy rolls are supposed to come with a side order of dry hay."

"No, Ma'am, that's with the --"

"I don't care what it's with, get me some dry hay."

"Yes, Ma'am, right away."

Once the waiter had exited, re-appeared with dry hay and re-exited, the bovines got down to business.

"Now my good group of cows ..."

"Herd of cows."

"Of course I've heard of cows."

"No, I mean a cow herd."

"That's the idea, that a cow should hear. In fact a lot of cows should hear."

"Please don't interrupt the chair cow. Please proceed."

"Now my good herd of cows, we are gathered to put our hooves together and write a best selling book. We shall milk the publishing industry for all it has."

"Hear, hear!"

"So, let's think up a title."

"Tales of tails!"

"Whose Hooves!"

"Calf full or Calf Empty!"

"Blow your horn!"

"Do we need this bull?"

"Don't moo over spilled milk!"

"Order, order! One at a time, please. Remember, we have to do this formally. Someone has to present the motion and someone has to second it."

"I present the motion we title the book 'THE DIARY OF A DAIRY'"

"I second it!"

"But that reduces us to our milk. We're a lot more than just milk."

"True!"

"I present the motion we title the book HEIFER OR LOAFER."

"That's a great pun, but what'll it be about?"

"Well, cows going high and cows going low, and fur, and all that sort of thing."

"No, we don't like that one."

"I present the motion we title the book CATTLE METTLE."

"I second it!"

"What'll it be about?"

"In praise of us."

"But we cows are famous, we don't need a book telling people how to praise us. They know."

"You mean No Moos is good Moos?"

"Yeah, who needs to write? Let's just eat grassy rolls and hay on the side and have fun!"

Author's Note ▼

Giving credit where it is due
I must admit I didn't make up the 'heard / herd' pun. I've read it in an Archie comic and borrowed it. The 'udder' pun is also an old one. As far as I know, I made up the other ones myself!