Elusive

Elusive.... thats the best I could come up with? Unattainable, unreliable thats how I see myself, pick a word they said. Sounds easy, like of all the words in the English language and the few I know in Spanish I chose ELUSIVE to describe myself. Okay, now what? I guess I will work off of that, a solitary mind can accomplish great things. I mean one without the influence of another mind can really highlight ones independent existence.
Loneliness creeps in more often than I would like. Reading helps as it takes me off into new perspectives and creates new ideas that feed my curiosity and creativity. As I age i notice the desire to be around less people and more animals. I live in a small town in Massachusetts population: 31,611 according to data.census.gov (far from a small town in my opinion). I have lived here my whole life at least most of it. I moved around to different towns within about 50 miles of here due to foster homes, a failed marriage, and choosing the best place to give my kids the "roots" I lacked growing up.
Simple tasks such as going food shopping can be a bit intimidating to me now. Everyone is in a big rush for absolutely nothing. The traffic getting from my apartment to the closest Stop and Shop is just dumb. Once you make it into the parking lot, after crossing route 1 where people are speeding around aggressive as fuck, the sight of random homeless families post up outside with cardboard signs displaying handwritten pleas for money. Sometimes we go the long way to try to avoid them because we feel so guilty that we don't have shit to give ourselves! Inside the store is another mad race dodging the other shoppers darting around with their carriges trying to avoid the weird robot that cleans and alerts on messes it cant clean. The thing literally has big goofy googley eyes, (very strange). Everyone looks wicked mad, totally unapproachable including the check out ladies literally calling out shoppers for being idiots not knowing how to self checkout their crap. It's kinda funny sometimes but there is always the chance it could be you so head down and focus on your own crap.
Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like to move to the mountains in North Carolina, peaceful, quiet, inviting. Everything Mass is not....