I have had some bad nightmares last night and slept very little and the sleep I did get was not restful at all. I really think this whole Warren thing has really gotten to me mentally and has reawakened with the help of the evil enemy in my head a lot of my past mistakes and heartaches. I guess also me watching the criminal investigation channels that I watch really is not helping me out with this either. I just hate when I have such vivid and horrible dreams, I call them dreams even though they are nightmares. I had everything running through my sleep last night from being fucked over by Warren and having him just make a dumb ass out of me, to him cheating on me after we were involved in a relationship. I just don't know anymore, my mom always tells me to let fate take control and bring a man to me, well I did that this time. He literally ran into me, I wasn't looking for a guy to run in the back of me, so I could find love, that would be pathetic even I know that. Maybe I should just learn to be happy living alone with Brandi and not want a man in my life. But that is not me, I want to share my life with a man that I love and that loves me. Already I am not counting on it being Warren, I can't count on that because I know it isn't going to happen even before he proves that as the truth. I just hate feeling so inferior and just feeling like I am not enough, not skinny enough, or pretty and feeling like every female out there is a lot better than me. I hate how much energy I put on wishing I was someone I am not, that I would look like the people you see on tv, in magazines or for that matter in porn. I just know that I will never look like those people, I never had the perfect body or looks. Like I said I was never one for exercising and to look like those people, I know it would take a lot of hard work at the gym and I also know for a fact even if I was able to get my body down to a half decent size I would be unhappy. It seems like when I lose weight and look a little better, I get depressed because my breasts will get smaller and I don't lose as much weight in the places where I want to lose it. Instead I lose it in the places that I want to keep it, like my tits, and ass, so the bottom line here is that I must learn to accept and love myself the way I am. If I don't do that I know that I will never be able to be happy with myself and my looks. I have tried so many times to feel better with myself but was never successful. I also need to realize that I may not be the most beautiful woman or be a woman with a perfect body, but I am not the worst looking or fattest person either. I once heard this saying and it stuck with me and I do believe it is true. You may not be the richest, prettiest or best- looking person, no matter who you are there will always be someone that will be better than you. I know that is fact, but I would be happy to be able to look at myself and be satisfied with what I see. It is hard to do though when you have a voice in your head that will never let you forget about all the flaws you have, whether they are real or imaginary to me they are real, and that voice is confirming my thoughts and feelings. I must be grateful for what I have, I mean there are people worse off out there, I mean I have my health, I have all my limbs and there are some that are not that fortunate, I know. This is the one thing that I despise about myself, that I put so much power into looks and the outside appearance versus what I have inside to offer. It’s a disease, I believe that whole heartedly and I just need to cure myself of it. Which one day I hope and pray I will be able to do. These people that are perfect that appear in magazines and on television and porn are not real. Most of them have so much makeup on and they are now perfected by a computer program, and they are not even as perfect or flawless in person. I have looked up women porn star pictures that have leaked onto the internet that show them without makeup and I do have to admit even if they have the perfect body, or at least in my mind they do they are not as beautiful without the makeup. Hell, I would even go as far as to say some of them are hideous, and I believe I would choose staying overweight and keep my looks than to be skinny and must wear all that makeup to be attractive. I watched a documentary and I learned that even the people you think are gorgeous and have it all, that they even hate themselves and think they have flaws at times. I am lucky I don't wear much make up I never did, my makeup consists of some powder foundation, some blush, eyeshadow and mascara. When I have plans I will maybe go a little bit further and put on liquid foundation and some eyeliner, but I never have felt a need for tons of makeup. I hate the feeling of wearing a lot of make up to me it is very uncomfortable, and I am always afraid to touch my face in fear of smearing something. Same thing with my hair, my normal daily hair regimen is maybe some mousse, drying it with no specific way and putting on hairspray. That’s it those are my beauty secrets, well not beauty secrets just the secrets to my looking half acceptable. I just wonder if all these self-criticizing, self-hate feelings come strictly from the bad and fucked up relationships or if there are deeper lying reasons. I know as I was growing up, and to this day my dad has a roaming eye. He will look at women even when my mom is along, and my mom is so confident in herself. Or at least she portrays to be, things like that don't get her all worked up and jealous like me. My God if the guy I am with is looking at a chick that I feel is better looking than me, which is almost every person, I get so upset and hurt. I even get jealous if I am out in public with a guy and he calls a waitress or bartender Hun or sweetie, I want to scratch his eyes out. It is such a powerful and ugly feeling, jealousy. It eats you alive and makes you question everything, I feel like I need to have the guy’s attention all the time. I second guess the guy's feelings for me if I find out he was looking at porn, and if we weren't intimate on that day. The belief I have in thinking that the guy I am with must fuck me or touch me or he doesn't love me. Why is that thought even in my mind, why is sex the main proof that I guy loves me. I feel like that is the telltale sign to prove that he loves you, and it isn’t how he treats you any other way. The sad thing is from my past I honestly should realize it obviously isn't true, because if it was I would have tons of guys out there that love me because they fucked me. But there aren’t, they were history the next day. But if the guy I am dating doesn't want to have sex with me or touch my body I feel like I am unattractive to him and that he will just cheat on me the moment that a pretty, and skinny woman pays any attention to him. This is not a good way to start the day, with all these thoughts and feelings all because of my restless night and the pressure I am putting on myself with Warren. I know that I need to seek help for my issues and not just brush them off and take the medication, I know that I need to one day start seeing a therapist again and need to stick with it. The only way to love someone else and to let that person love you, is to love yourself first. See all this shit I know, all these helpful tips I can tell someone else. But why can't I just fucking help myself and do these things? I take a couple steps forward and a zillion backwards, every time I think I am doing good and on the right path, something comes along and derails me. It crushes me and pushing me right back into the bleak less of life where I was previously residing. People that know me have a hard time understanding that I am not happy and carefree. Oh no that is the public version of me that I let others see the unhappy, suicidal at times, jealous me is well hidden on the inside far away from the public eye. It is sad and depressing, and somedays I just will sit and think my whole life is just one big facade, or at least most of my adult life has been. When I was young I was happy, I never was obsessed with how I looked, if my clothing looked ok on me, or if everyone liked me. I didn't go around kissing everyone's ass that I thought didn't like me, like I do now and only do that to have you like me. Why do I even care what others think of me? Why can't I have that if you like me fine, if you don't fuck you I don't care what you think? Will I ever be able to love myself enough to get to that point in my life, the point where the only person I should be that concerned about liking me is me. Will I ever hit that spot in my life? What will happen if I don't? So many times, in the past I have contemplated ending it, giving up and putting others out of any misery that I may cause them. Putting myself out of the misery of being so foolish and depressed, giving others all the power over my happiness. I have been asked so many times by health professionals, if I ever thought about hurting myself, my answer was and always will be answered with a question doesn't everyone, isn't it normal. The next one to be asked after they get my answer is " do you have a plan of how you would do it?" My answer was I have a couple of ways planned out in case I would be brave enough to follow through. I always reassure them though that they don't have to worry, because I have not done it yet, and I really doubt I would ever have the balls to do it. If I did you would not be sitting here talking to me right now, I would be a dead decayed corpse by now. I have tried talking to my mom about how I felt in the past, but it is hard for her to understand and give me advise. I guess I realized a while back that there are not too many people I can talk to or turn to, because there are not many people that think the way I do. Which I guess is a good thing, because I have a feeling the world would not be a very healthy place if there were more people out there that felt this way. But like I said I know that Janet has faced some hard times throughout her life too and we seem to have the same feelings inside about ourselves. I really have not had the opportunity to get very close with Janet, I think that there is a good possibility that we could become good friends, but it is me that would cause it to not happen. I just have a hard time of allowing changes into my life, and if I get a boyfriend then I know I would end up just pushing her away and out of my personal life, because remember that my life must revolve around the guy I am with. Then would come the jealousy, what if the guy would fall for her and want her instead of me. It is a cruel and vicious cycle living with all these negative and self-defeating thoughts. I glance over at Brandi and again think, how great it must be to be an animal, to not have such thoughts or pressures. To be taken care of by a human that loves you and that you know will be there when you need something. I mean it is vice versa with a pet, they love you no matter what, they are not going to crush your heart or belittle you with nasty and hurtful words. They are just there to love you and they always seem to sense when you need love because they will always come to you and snuggle with you. Why aren't people the same way, why are we so cruel and heartless to each other, why can't we learn from our pets and treat the people that we are supposed to care about the way our pets treat us? Well I think I better get my ass in gear and start getting ready for work or I will never make it there in time, not at this rate. I slide out of bed, grab my clothing and head down to the shower. It is already ten after 7:00 and even though I woke up a couple minutes early I spent way too much time and energy with these fucking racing thoughts in my head this morning. Thanks be to the wonderful dreams of the night for making this Friday morning one of the ones I can chalk up to be a top fucked up morning. I jump in the shower and mindlessly go through my rituals of getting ready for another day at work. This day will probably not turn out to be much better than it is this morning, today is the day that Warren gets to make or break the little bit of self-worth that is left inside this empty outer shell. That is about the size of what is inside of me, I feel like a roasted peanut that just had its insides eaten. The insides and the heart that once resided inside this shell of Sophie is no longer there, just little bits and pieces. Pretty much what is left inside of me is there to keep me alive, the resources that help me to do my everyday things and to help keep that voice going inside my head. I grab my phone on my way out and glance down and just sigh, this is not going to be a good day. As bad as I want to just run away or run down the hall into the bathroom and rip all my clothing off and throw PJs back on and hide under the covers in my bed all day, or all weekend for that matter I know I can't. So, I scrounge up every single ounce of strength I have and try to encourage myself to open the door and get my fucking ass to work I have bills to pay for fucks sake. Sophie, I yell at myself in my mind, you dug this hole now you must fill it and fix it. You have done this before and you can do this again, this time learn from your actions, don't be the fool and do this to yourself again let Warren be the last man you allow to do this to you. I slam the door harder than what I wanted as I blow Brandi a kiss and tell her I love her. |