Mr. Nits

         "Good afternoon. How may I direct your call? Remember , you are important to us."

         "Oh, I am am I? Is this that there internal revenuer office? I need to speak with someone in charge. More importantly someone who will not charge. "

         "All our lines are currently busy sir. Please hold."

         "Hold? You hold on to your hat. I gotta hold of this here phone. I'm not gettin' any younger. "

         "I appreciate that, sir. May I enquire as to who is calling?"

         "If you must know thems as call me Mr. Nits don't waste my time. I gotta problemo."

         "Oh dear Mr. Nits. At this time of year? Tsk, tsk."

         "Are you patronizin' me? I gotta tax bill."

         "Lordy, tell me it isn't so, sir. Let me guess. You wish to defer payment."

         "What's a deefur? I shouldnta be payin'. There's been a mistake."

         I can assure you Mr. Nits the government does not make mistakes. It's our patriotic duty to pay taxes."

         "Imma no patriot. Itsa mistake. "

         "Did you not promise to uphold this fine country's pledge?"

         "The only pledge I know polishes my furniture."

         "Well, there you go. It's a privilege to own furniture. Taxes support everyone. Where are you calling from?"

         "You mighta heard of it. Toronto."

         "Let me quick Google that. Ah, you're phoning from Ohio. I'm pretty certain its citizens pay taxes, sir."

         "What? I said Toronto, the Toronto. Some say it like toranna. Me I never got the toe-rawn-toe. I already rubbed my two nickels togetha and paid taxes. It's a mistake I tell ya."

         "Sir, I do have other people on hold. I fear you are not listening to me."

         "I'm Canadian born and bred. Never been to your side a the border. You wanna bleed me dry, too? "

         " A line has just opened up, sir. I'm connecting you to someone else. Have a nice day."

(312 words)