3 April 2024

I am likely to run out of money in approximately 2 months the way things are going. I could potentially save money by eating the food they offer here at the shelter, but it is not appropriate to sustain me—nor will it do anything other than make me feel ill, which will not help me as I need to be s functional human being. Also, it doesn't give me adequate nutrition. I don't believe it gives anyone adequate nutrition either. The last shelter I was at served some decent food that I supplemented, but this place just serves food I can no longer tolerate at my severely advanced age of 43 and my (likely) damaged digestive tract (mostly the microvilli that lines the mucosal cubodial epithelial layer of my small intestine.)

Also, I don't wish to be a burden on your social safety net here anymore than I need to be considering I am a foreigner here who is not contributing to your country's income tax system yet. I do appreciate the bed in the dorm with one bathroom/shower that I share with 8-9 other women.

I am currently sitting on the floor waiting for my turn to shower. It is raining again today so I suppose I will spend most of my day at the public library—being a scourge on society's tax paying population as I use their facilities to read books in a warm and dry space where there are public washrooms and even water fountains. Sometimes I even connect to their wifi and use their data to download music to my iphone 8, which is from 2018 and I use solely as a device to play music. It does not have a sim card and it doesn't function as a phone. I have it because some things do not work on my android phone and it's good to have a backup phone in case something happens to my android phone. Phones are not free so at least I could get a sim card and still have a way to make and receive phone calls and attempt to interact and communicate with the world, and hopefully, eventually legal employment.

Hopefully one day I will be able to work and contribute my fair share here in the USA so that I can feel less guilty about using all the "free public services" that are available here. I hope the food I am buying from establishments to sustain my existance is somehow contributing to the system as those businesses have to pay taxes, so hopefully I contribute in some small way. Also, I bought a Metropass for the month to get around to wherever I needed to go for "integration" into your society here. I don't feel exceptionally welcome or wanted here, but I wasn't welcome or wanted in Canada either so whatever. Hopefully someone sees me as a useful human being someday soon who is at least capable of cleaning garbage off the streets or something—
though I am certainly very capable of doing much more.

I suppose I should just be happy with whatever "god" decides to bestow upon me. Perhaps if I just grabbed a Bible and prayed really hard then something magical would happen... like a hand would emerge from the sky and reach out to help me with getting a SSN or some other way to work; alas, I couldn't even get the equivalent in Canada which is called a SIN there. It is required to access the very limited employment options there.

I am not rehashing why I didn't stay working as a vet tech there. I have covered that well. I do not stay in industries or workplaces that abuse and isolate me and treat me poorly and do not appreciate me—nor do I stay in workplaces that are nothing but sham soul sucking places that do nothing for humanity and mostly now function as places to care for all the animals who are child replacements for so many people who spend ridiculous amounts of money on clothing, food, and many unnecessary treatments for them. Especially when there are so many actual humans in the world who need assistance and someone to love and care about them.


I am not heartless towards animals, and they are great for some people to have as pets, but we have essentially elevated their status to be equal to us, and in some cases, even more than us. I have joked in the past about liking animals more than people, but that's just because I have been fucked over, hurt, and abused by so many people and it's difficult to not be cynical and jaded. Also, humor and sarcasm helps me to "deal" with life, eh? 🫶

Anyhow: ultimately, an animal is not a replacement for a human. They can help reduce stress and anxiety and be a good visitor to old folks homes and such, but humans still require human interaction. They are also great about serving as police dogs and as helpful service animals in the military, but they are not human beings.

It's crazy that we live in a country here where often, a little stray dog gets more attention, love, care, and help from so many affluent people compared to a homeless human who wants to have a job and not be homeless. We have so many humans in need, but most people seem to choose to focus all their attention on animals and they forget about humans and the environment being connected. Humans are the caretakers and stewards of our lands, without us, the animals and environment have no one to care for them at all, no one to notice the beauty and uniqueness of everything around us, including their behavior and mannerisms and how things change throughout the earth's seasons and over time.

And maybe none of this matters at all and my life is worthless. I carry on regardless being kind, even when other people treat me like I am dirt or invisible or even rip me off. I still continue to help others and hope one day the kindness will be returned in some small way, though some days it's hard to find or hold onto any hope. I always find it eventually, and no one helps me to find it. No higher power, no God. I just keep walking and keep trying to contribute something of value to the world, even if it's just taking photos of what I see and writing about what I see and have experienced and hopefully bringing even a brief moment of joy into someone's life.

I am very lonely and I hope one day I have a job where I might meet other humans and get to speak and converse with them using my own words. That is not something I have experienced much over the past 13 years especially as my speech and interactions with other humans were severely limited by my ex-husband and ex-employer. Even before that, my speech and interactions with other humans was always limited and monitored by my abusive and controlling ex husband. Maybe some day someone will let me be me. Maybe