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When your dream comes true |
| “Finally! It took you guys long enough. Do you know how long I’ve been wandering these fields, hoping y’all would notice me?” “I think the transport may have scrambled your human brain ever-so-slightly. Are you communicating that you have desired for us to abduct you from the Blue Planet?” “Duh! For such an intelligent species y’all seem a bit slow. I’ve been giving you so many signs, trying to get your attention for days.” “Signs?” “Yes! I held a sign for three nights, aimed at Orion—” “We are not based in Orion —” “Don’t give me that bovine stool. From my calculations that is the only constellation you could be from.” “For the security of our planet, we flatly deny your calculations.” “At any rate. As I was saying before so rudely interrupted, my sign clearly said, ‘Beam me up, Scotty’. Are you claiming that you didn’t see that?” “We are not named Scotty.” “I saw that side-eye. One of you is named Scotty. I saw it etched in a cornfield in Nebraska!” “You are most annoying for a human. We deeply regret abducting you.” “Hey, now. Don’t be that way about it. I was looking forward to all the experimentation and probing—” “Probing? Ew. What kind of species do you take us for?” “Is this true? No probing? Scotty…tell me the truth.” “We do not probe. Or experiment on humans. That is so last century.” “Then all this was a waste?” “Not for us.” “Yeah? How so? You better have a darn good reason for taking so long to get around to this abduction and then refusing to experiment on me!” “We do.” “Well?” “You will be our slave. Maybe.” “Maybe? Are you insinuating I’m not good enough to be your slave?” “You do talk very much for a human. We prefer our servants to have a bit more…cowardly.” “I can cower! I can talk less, too! Y'all just say the word and I can shut up—” “Word!” “See? See how quiet I can be? Now what do you need? I make a mean cup of tea.” “We prefer our drinks to be without feelings.” “Oh, well … I can do that, too!” “We do not know. You are far too eager. We think we will need to pick a more fearful human for our purposes.” “No! Please! Give me a chance! This is all I’ve ever dreamed—” “It is decided. This human is defunct. Reverse the light beam and return him to the Blue Planet.” “No! Nooooooooo!” “We jest, of course. It will take too much energy to return you to your home world. Instead, we will send you to the kitchen. We have been craving roasted human for three decades.” “Phew! Now that sounds more like it!” No Probing Zone ▼ |
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