Holding

HOLDING -

Holding my breath, feeling unable to breathe,
Bracing myself for the next blow I am to receive.
Whether its the belt, the bat, or fists that land again,
Why did these things happen? Why do I still hold it all in?
Feeling the hands clasped around my neck, the lights going out,
These wounds have left me holding myself with so much self doubt.
Its been years since these offenses were inflicted on me,
Yet here I am holding my breath, making it seem impossible to achieve.
I do my best to carry on, unaware sometimes of the wounds that hold me down.
Swimming along on the surface, suddenly fighting not to drown.
The overwhelming emotions, the fear of impending doom,
Anger feels better than sadness, so I begin to fume!
Realizing now the pain I have been secretly holding for all this time,
Seeing it manifest to the surface killing my unconscious mind.
Anger is easier to feel, than the sadness, than the grief,
Killing any positive feelings about self, choking in my unbelief.
Sitting alone while watching a show or reading a book,
Out of nowhere I am flinching, bracing from a blow I previously took.
Holding my breath again, trying to focus and breathe,
Noticing my jaw clinching down as I sit alone and seethe.
Battling with this pain of rejection and the depressive agony,
Beating down the unforgiveness and rage that burns inside of me.
Learning to deal with these wounds now, inflicted a long time ago,
Years of them being suppressed within me, now they wont stay below.
They are rising up now, causing afflictions in my current life,
Feeling stuck in the pain and the consequences of strife.
So I sit down on my floor, and draw a deep breath within,
Feeling it fill my lungs, and focused on who I really am again.
Deep meditations, mindfulness practiced with a prayer filled mind,
Understanding my value becomes my first step in hoping for myself to find.
Pushing back against the trauma, radically accepting what has happened to me,
Standing my ground and breathing through these tragic memories.
On this journey now of self discovery,
Learning to breathe through the tough moments is my first step towards victory!