The World's Worst Passenger

Xyle entered the flight deck, sipping from a warm mug of brown muck. The caffeinated drink was an addiction he had picked up during his exile on earth.

Flicking a switch with his fourth tentacle, Xyle took the ship off autopilot.

“Dude, this is like, a totally awesome set up. What kind of juice runs the engines, bro?”

Xyle startled at the voice and the mug slipped from his third tentacle, crashing to the metal floor. He spun and glared at the human leaning on his control console.

“That was my favorite earth mug,” Xyle complained. “Shattered into infinitesimal pieces that can never be recovered.”

“My bad, dude! I’ll totally replace it —”

“It is irreplaceable!” Xyle snapped. “Never again will my tentacles slither across the surface of earth. Never again will I find such a relic.”

The human’s lips puckered at Xyle’s statement. A lightbulb seemed to go off. “Bro, are you saying this is like, a one way ticket off earth? Awesome!”

“Not ‘awesome’,” Xyle fought to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “This was not a journey for a mere human. How did you come to stow away in my ship?” he demanded.

“Dude, you were, like, parked in my backyard. I just wanted to get a sneak peek. Maybe get some live footage for my youtube channel.”

Xyle frowned. “Cloaking device must have malfunctioned,” he muttered. He tapped a few buttons with his fifth and sixth tentacle, checking to make sure there were no other defects lurking in the piecemealed system. The human’s words suddenly registered.

“Live footage…” his eye darted over the human, searching for an electronic device.

“Shorted out as soon as I entered your ship. Bummer, right?”

Xyle sighed with relief. He stooped to sweep up the broken mug, grumbling over the mess.

The human threw back his long hair. “Can’t you just, like, put the shards in a replicator or something? I mean, every spaceship worth its salt has a replicator, right?” the human’s laugh trailed off into an awkward cough as Xyle narrowed his eye at him.

“The replicator is for organic materials. The mug is clearly non-organic,” Xyle sniffed contemptuously.

The human’s eyes seemed to light up. “Dude, so could you, like, replicate yourself? Or me? Dude! Can you imagine a group of human clones —”

“I can not,” Xyle interrupted. “If you put one tentacle on my replicator I will expel you from this ship into the void of space.”

The human threw up his hands and rolled his eyes. “Okay. Dude. No need to get violent. I mean you no harm.” he laughed. “I come in peace.”

Xyle grunted. “Very humorous. You humans are so original.”

“Sarcasm, dude. Niiiice! Did you learn that on earth or is that, like, part of your culture.”

Xyle bit his tongue. This human was grating on his gray matter. He dumped the irrepairable keepsake into the trash receptacle and carefully hung the broom back on its hook as he wondered what to do with the human stowaway.

“Dude, you’ve got a flashing…something…here,” the human’s appendage hovered over the glowing button. Xyle launched himself forward and slapped the human’s meaty limb away with his second tentacle.

“Do you want to die?” Xyle growled.

The human clutched his pale extremity, clearly offended. “Bro, was that the self-destruct button or something?”

“Or something,” Xyle said glibly.

In the moment of silence that followed, Xyle was able to take a breath. His nerves began to calm.

“Bro, did you hook up any speakers? We could totally rock out —”

Xyle felt his blood pressure skyrocket. With one swift move he pulled out a small device with glittering buttons. He aimed, pulled a lever, and froze the human in place.

“Ah, silence at last,” Xyle sighed, wiping away a nervous sheen of sweat that had formed on his bulbous forehead. He shook the remote at the human. “This is the reason my people end up experimenting on your kind! If only you weren’t so annoying…”

Slithering back to the console, Xyle set coordinates for Planet X. He could not wait to hand the creature over to his people and be rid of the world’s worst passenger.


Duuuuude ▼

697 words
Written for Writer's Cramp