Feeling Lonely At Home As A Child

At home, I was getting more into my toys than watching TV because I started getting bored watching TV since all the channels and shows I watched didn’t make new episodes so I got bored seeing the same episodes of many different shows I watched. That year my parents struggled financially too so we couldn’t really go to places and we had cheap meals all the time like cereal for breakfast and cheap TV dinners for dinner. They were able to get free food from a church who was giving it away for low income families. I enjoyed the food and snacks we got from there. I was getting so lonely from not making any friends to the point where I started developing issues of talking to toys and images. I was talking to my toys and images like they were alive and I literally thought they all were alive and had a “ghost” inside of them like a living soul. I would tell them about my day, what I’m feeling, and I would spend the whole time talking to them. Basically anything with a face I would talk to. My dad would question me at times about it in a mocking way, so I just isolated myself and talked to them privately. I played around the TV stand dresser that had a mirror, and I pretended to have a girl’s club with my girl toys where the mirror was at. I also played a lot of computer games too, and I played many different PC games and online games. My brother and I got a bunk bed that year so I slept on the top bunk and had privacy up there since I was near the ceiling. I had a care bears comforter set so I felt like I was up in the sky in the clouds because the bedding had a few care bears standing on top of different clouds with a light blue back ground so that it looks like the sky. I also felt like I was up in the sky because of how close I was to the ceiling. I talked to my toys up there and I had a diary to write in secrets.

I started to get jealous of my brother that year because my dad would abuse me out of his drunkenness but he was never after my brother. It felt like my parents love him more than me because they were treating him like a sweet angel verses me like I’m an evil devil. The main reason was because I was very loud and my brother was very quiet, and my loudness annoyed my parents, especially when I screamed and cried at times. I asked my parents about it and they told me they love us both equally. That didn’t stop me from being jealous of my brother. I was up in my bunk bed making plans to harm my brother and kill him. I desired to have my parents give me positive energy like they did to my brother because they kept giving me a hard time and I was tired of being treated bad like that. They didn’t support me at all emotionally, and I was always ignored by my parents and them yelling at me to stop crying. I kept getting louder and louder and repeated things over and over again because I wanted to make sure they heard me but they always acted like they couldn’t hear anything I said. They were literally glued in their computer games and they never gave me any attention. My parents never wanted to talk to me because of being too busy playing computer games. That was going on for years too. They ignored me constantly throughout the years. I couldn’t even express myself to them because they would get so mad because they wanted me to be perfectly happy constantly. If I was sad, or mad, or anything else, my dad would lose his temper telling me to “shut up!” and threatened to hurt me if I don’t become perfectly calm or happy. I had to hide all my emotions from my parents and I decided to never tell them anything anymore knowing I would get hurt if I do. All I needed was love, and they refused to hug me almost all the time. I barely got any hugs from my parents. I needed someone to give me love and care no matter how I feel but I didn’t get that. All of that was lacking. I hated being in the apartment with them, I wanted to just run away so bad but I wasn’t allowed outside. I didn’t feel comfortable living there and I wanted to just escape. I was afraid of my dad each time he got drunk because he would get violent towards me. My mom allowed it to happen too. I felt so scared at times to the point where I had a hard time sleeping knowing he was drunk. When I got up out of bed, he would drag me and shove me back into bed and suffocate me. I went through all that since I was a toddler.

One day before my parents woke up, I ran away and escaped because I wanted to get a goldfish from the pet store. I was also uncomfortable around my parents too. When I escaped it felt like a whole new world because I never experienced walking around on the sidewalk before. Then I saw the police and they were after me, I was scared because I never saw the police before. They asked me a question like “where are you going?” And I told them about how I wanted to get a goldfish from the pet store. Then they asked “do you know if your parents care about you?” and then I said “no, I don’t think they do.” They asked “you know your parents love you right?” Then I said “no, they don’t” I thought they didn’t because of the way I was treated and abused. And then they took me back home and one of the officers gave me a big teddy bear to comfort me. I found out that my parents were the ones that called the police in the first place because they got scared that I escaped. They told my parents about how I didn’t think they care about me, but my parents said to the police that they do love me and care about me and they told the police that I had Autism so the police believed them.