Letter to my Ex-Wife (Married at 19)

My ex and I met when she was 17, and I was 18. We got married when I was 19 and she was 18. We were each other's firsts. Our marriage lasted five years. She struggled with depression and bi-polar disorder all her life. I did all I could to try and make her happy, as we navigated the difficulties of growing up together, dealing with money, jobs, dreams, and fears. Eventually, her disease won.

Hey,

I know we are not staying in touch - for both our sakes - but I wanted to write you a short message, now that we are finalizing our divorce. I hope that is okay. I promise there will be nothing painful in here, and I hope that you read it.

All I wanted to say is that I so very deeply wish you all the best. Being in each other's lives right now is not a good idea, but that does not mean that I don't care for you. I want you to know that I know you tried your best. And if you ever hurt me, I know it was never your intention. If I hurt you, please know that I am incredibly sorry.

I truly believe that you are a wonderful person. I think of you when we first met as a fragile flower, eager for the world but so very scared of it, so very scared of pain. And why wouldn't you be? That is all you knew for a long time. But you were brave. You went out in the world and you found me, and you tried so very hard to be happy. Your braveness was rewarded with pain. Life was difficult, and things were quite hard at times. The beauty you saw in the world, your talent, your innocence and your sweet, soft spirit were almost not made for this world. I knew this all along, and I did my very best to shield you from all that is bad. I hope you know that I really did, Lauren. I could not do it, and in trying so hard I lost track of myself, and fell into a deep well of my own creation. I want you to know that none of that was ever your fault. I tried to shield you because I loved you. I failed because such is life, and such was our fate.

It is important that you know that, even though our marriage did not work and we were not destined to be together romantically, I will never lose the admiration I have for you. There is so very much beauty and wonder in you. I feel like I could see it all so clearly behind your eyes when we were younger. It has been hidden a bit, with time and pain and sadness. It can come back, Lauren, I truly believe it can. This is an immense trial, but you will get through it.

I believe you will get better. I believe you will find purpose, happiness, and independence. I hope you will grow strong enough to never let anything hurt you, and to never be at the mercy of anything or anyone. And when you can be happy on your own, I hope you meet someone that loves you, that sees you, that understands and appreciates you. And that, together, you lead a wonderful life. All I wish for you is that you become strong. I wish you safe, happy, loved, and free from these horrible chains that currently bind you.

I believe we were never meant to be together romantically, but we had a deep connection that goes far beyond the ordinary, and I really believe we were meant to be in each other's lives. Maybe one day we will be able to be good friends - the kind of friends that have known each other all their lives. For now, though, Lauren, just know that I admire you, that I deeply care for you and deeply, deeply wish you well. And most of all - that I believe in you. I believe you will be okay. More than okay. You are destined for great happiness. It is all hidden behind scary masks, but it's there. The world is not always quite so dark as it seems. And people like you are a light in it. You will be okay. You will never be alone.

From someone who deeply loved you - perhaps in all the wrong ways, in the innocence of our youth.