Development [Old Work]

1 | Doubt

Neil has thoughts. Bad ones, ones he wishes no one can hear. Unfortunately, sometimes the worst person for the job can give the best advice.

“What if I didn’t exist?”

Neil was stuck in his own head, left alone in his thoughts while his roommate went drinking for the seventeenth time in a row. His head was spinning, his thoughts spiraling into a deep abyss as he shifted his weight on the bed again. The bed groaned under the weight as he sulked.

I don’t know, his thoughts answered. Wanna find out?

He moved towards his pillows, sighing. This always happened whenever he was left alone. His sad, sad thoughts would come into his brain uninvited, and he’d spend hours trying to kick them out. His roommate wasn’t much of a help – whenever he came home drunk, he’d always roast him for being too poor, even though he had explained a countless number of times that his brother needed the money to graduate.

His thoughts shifted. Your roommate would be happier.

He scoffed, “Fat chance. He’d just use my death as an excuse to drink more.”

That’s a little harsh, isn’t it?

Neil shrugged. “What is non-existence in this scenario anyways? Death or never being born?”

Let’s go with death. The teen groaned. Morbid, but there was no one there to hear it, so he was all good. His immediate reaction was to imagine how his parents would feel. But a few seconds of imagining told him all he needed to know. He shifted to his brother.

“Caleb would probably be able to pay for school. He’d probably be relieved to get all of our parents’ love.”

Doesn’t he do that last one normally? Neil scratched his head.

“Does he?” The teen questioned, and cringed when he heard his voice in his ears. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Not like it’s hard, with a homo for a brother.”

Bi, his thoughts corrected. Neil shrugged.

Suddenly, the boy heard a click. He paled. The door! The college student had forgotten to lock it when Aaron left for that party.

“Fuck,” he hissed, and dove to a side of the bed. At least this way the intruder wouldn’t have to assume he was there.

Did Aaron come back already? He thought, but pushed the notion away. No way - he would’ve announced himself first. Unless, the party had been bad.

Neil bit his lip. Was the party that bad?

The door suddenly swung open, and from Neil’s vantage point on the floor he could tell the person wasn’t wearing Aaron’s signature converses. Who was at the door, then? They didn’t even knock!

Neil lifted his head slightly. A bulky silhouette stood at where the door once was, but Neil wasn’t close enough to distinguish who it was. The teen warily brought himself to a stand.

“Hello?” He tried, but his voice came out uncertain.

“Neil, you in here?”

Neil cursed to himself. Of course it was his brother! Who else would it be?

He groaned quietly to himself as the younger sibling let himself in. The brother’s eyes scanned the dorm, glancing over and under assorted objects around the room until he made eye contact with Neil, who hadn’t moved since the door opened.

“Sup’ dude,” he said coolly, inviting himself to sit down on his brother’s bed.

“Fuck off, King Kong,” Neil muttered back, opting to lean against the nearby wall.

Caleb brushed off the insult, chuckling. He drummed his fingers against his thighs. “Y’know, ever since the incident I’ve been beginning to see a new side of you.” he started, eyes glued to the floor.

Neil kept his glance away, but his expression betrayed his curiosity.

Caleb’s head rose, vying for Neil’s attention. “Are you jealous of me?”

Neil turned red as he whipped his head in Caleb’s direction, looking into his eyes for the first time in what felt like weeks.
“I’m not jealous!” he replied angrily, “you’re just…just…”

Caleb frowned, and with pursed lips he pushed himself off the bed, inching closer to Neil.

“Just…what?” He asked, and Neil noted how his body blocked off the rest of the room.

The teen got redder with anger, turning his face in the other direction.

“Just…” He trailed, and then winced at what he was going to say, “scary.”

The older brother’s cheeks went pink.

Caleb snorted, unconsciously backing away from his brother.

“Are you…are you serious?”

Neil didn’t meet the other boy’s eyes as he laughed.

“C’mon! Afraid of your kid brother? That’s hilarious!”

Caleb held his stomach as he doubled over in laughter, tears flying as his laughter prolonged. As he calmed down, his brother stayed silent, hugging his own hands over his body as his shoulders stayed tensed. An awkward silence ensued, and as Caleb’s eyes lingered on Neil’s form, he gathered the truth in his confession. The younger brother sighed as he faced the door.

“You were serious, weren’t you?”

Neil blinked in surprise and let himself glance at his bulkier sibling. His head was down, eyes trained to the door as his thoughts seemed to fly all over the place. Neil didn’t know why, but he didn’t think the sadness that sat on his brother’s face suited him, and it made him uncomfortable. He fidgeted, trying to clear the silence, or his NAME, but no words came out. He took a deep breath, and without turning to his brother he replied:

“Yeah.”

Caleb turned to him, confused, “why?”

“Why?” Neil echoed, and Caleb nodded. “What do you mean, ‘why?’”

Caleb groaned, “You know what I mean,” he muttered. “You’ve been better than me for almost 10 years of my life, and suddenly you’re afraid? Last time I checked, I was the one afraid of you.”

Is that why he didn’t visit? His thoughts interrupted, but he pushed them to the side. Neil watched his brother sit on the other side of his bed.

Neil sighed. Caleb did have a point. Their relationship changed so fast, so suddenly that he hadn’t even thought of Caleb still being afraid of him. He hesitantly sat down on the bed, scooting closer to his younger brother. He gave the younger boy a nudge.

“You were always so quiet,” he started, feeling uncomfortable in his own skin.

“You never gave me anything to talk about,” his brother replied, not acknowledging Neil’s nudge.

“Fair.” The college student groaned. “It’s your fault for what happened in July, though.”

Caleb remembered it – the day they wrestled for real for the first time in months, and how relieved he felt in the triumph of beating his older brother. But for once, as his brother recounted the story, his mind settled on how Neil looked in that flashback – like the key to a chest he didn’t know he needed to open, Neil’s perspective was unlocked as he told his story. He frowned as he remembered the panic in his eyes, the way his body trembled pinned under Caleb, and how from that moment Neil had withdrawn himself from Caleb’s life more and more. No more teasing, no hellos or goodbyes, just…distant.

“…and ever since then, I’ve just been…invisible.”

Caleb scowled, “you were the one who ghosted me, though–” he stated plainly, shifting in the bed as the couch groaned– “or I wouldn’t have stayed all those months when you left for college.”

Neil shivered, “Was it that bad?”

Caleb chuckled awkwardly, “Let’s just say that dad and I weren’t so keen to visit you anytime soon.”

Neil laughed in his sleeve. The pair let the silence fill the tension of their conversation. Neil cleared his throat, trying to get to the point.

“So, do you still hate me or…?”

“Shut up!” He laughed, thumping Neil on the back, “of course I don’t! Why would I come all the way here to chastise you?”
Neil didn’t expect his brother to push him, so he lost his balance and found himself on the ground, rolling his eyes.

“Not the first time you’ve done that.”

He grinned innocently, watching as Neil groaned. The moment passed, and as Neil helped himself up and plopped himself back on the bed, Caleb’s lips pursed in anticipation.

“What’s wrong?” Neil asked, turning to face his brother.

“Well,” he said, scratching his hair, “the REAL reason I came over this time was…to check on you.”

Neil smirked, “Aw, isn’t that sweet?” He teased.

Caleb frowned.

“But you were saying some…questionable things before I barged in…”

Neil felt all the color drain from his face. Caleb heard Neil talking to himself. And all that deprecation. Of course, he only heard one side of the conversation, but the way he responded made the prompts of his brain all too clear. The nineteen-year-old buried his head in his hands, ashamed of his exposure. Caleb stiffened at his brother’s reaction, but didn’t waste another moment as he compassionately laid his hand on his brother’s back.

“Hey, easy, easy…” he tried, rubbing his hand across it, “I didn’t mean to hear you out like that. But by the sound of it…” he trailed, looking off to the side.

Neil slowly lifted his head. “By the sound of it…what?”

Caleb gulped, but took a deep breath before finishing, “by the sound of it…you sounded kind of…hurt.”

Neil laughed quietly to himself. Caleb stopped rubbing his back and took a look at the shorter brother’s eyes, glistening with tears. The college sophomore gulped.

“I’ve been broken…for quite a while now,” he managed, “even before you beat me, I was always…different, y’know?”

Caleb shrugged. “We all have our off days. I just hope…” he tried, “I hope you know I still care. And I know you care about me, too.”

Neil’s eyes met Caleb’s. “You do?”

“Yeah. You ghosting me doesn’t make you irrelevant.” He said, a sad chuckle escaping his lips.

Neil’s own mouth twitched, “You try getting beaten by someone three years younger than you.”

Caleb put his hands up in mock surrender. “Fair point,” he responded.

Silence.

The 6’2 college sophomore didn’t know what else to say. He had told him more than he thought he ever would in his lifetime during the incident, but to say that it would affect him in real time? He would have never guessed.

“I–” Neil started, then shook his head– “don’t want you to leave me yet, Caleb. You’re the only one who understands me right now.”

A soft smile spread across his brother’s lips. “What about mom?” He asked.

Neil found himself mirroring Caleb’s smile, despite every fiber in his body flowing with sadness, “I think she’s gone, Caleb. I…think I ruined her.”

His 6’6 brother frowned as Neil put his hands back on the bed. Caleb watched them hesitantly grip the sheets under them, his brother’s palms antsy and unsure. The gentleness in his eyes never seemed to flicker, though, as he placed his big right hand delicately over his brother’s smaller one.

“You could never ruin her,” he said softly, as the conviction of his voice proved them sincere, “even if you were in the worst place imaginable, you will always be her baby.”

Neil looked away, “Easy for you to say…you’re straight.”

Caleb flinched at the power behind those words. He understood that he’d never be able to understand, not being allowed to worship a God they all collectively believed in, or to be able to love someone sexually, or not even allowed to show his feelings simply because his love could be expressed to boys as much as girls.

Caleb smiled. He could say those words, if he could. But he knew it wasn’t what Neil needed.

“So what if I am?” He said, grinning. “What difference does it make?”

Neil didn’t respond. Everything he wanted to say, but he opted to see where the boy was going.

“You’re still my brother, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Neil managed. Caleb’s grin widened.

“Loving men and women doesn’t make you unfit to be my brother. And the same applies to mom. Don’t-”

Neil’s eyes were watering now. Caleb watched as the shock shifted to refusal in his brother’s eyes, and in the moment his body moved faster than his brain. Before he knew it, his arms were wrapped around his sibling, his chin resting on Neil’s shoulder.

“-don’t put yourself down like that. Okay?” He spoke tenderly, holding onto his brother like there was no tomorrow.

Neil’s eyes widened. He had never experienced this much affection with his brother. His parents had always discouraged it, complaining that smothering him with love would turn him into a “sissy”. But as far as Neil could tell, he was more of a man than he and his alcoholic roommate combined. And this “man” had found a way to express to him his brotherhood in the most delicate manner he could. The sophomore trembled with joy as tears descended down his face.

“Okay,” Neil said, his voice firm despite his tears, “I’ll…stay strong.”

His brother shook his head. “And if you can’t…”

“I know who to call.”

They held the embrace for a minute or so before parting, the bigger of the two getting off the bed to drop off a present he was going to give the older. Caleb left the apartment with a wave, and Neil watched his form from the doorway get smaller and smaller down the hallway, a soft smile made its way on his lips. He closed the door gently and got himself ready for bed. Alone in his apartment, once again, just as it was in hours prior.

But for the first time in years, the sad thoughts began to retreat.

2 | Dysfunctional

Sequel to Doubt. Three years later. Neil gets shit off his chest, remembers his friend Ryan, and has a heart-to-heart with his brother.

“Bro?”

Neil flinched at the muffled sound of his brother’s voice beyond the door. He covered his mouth with his hand, his whole body shaking as he curled further into himself on his bedroom floor. Why couldn’t he just leave? It was bad enough that he’d lost all respect as the older brother from his friends and family, stripped from him by the younger, but the eighteen-year-old coming back for him –

Neil winced.

Showed that they were probably right.

“Neil,” he tried again, “are you in there?”

“Go away Caleb,” Neil croaked.

Neil could barely see what was in front of him. His eyesight was hazy, his head pounding at the thought of confrontation. His limbs felt weak – they could tremble against his will, but they couldn’t pick themselves up if Neil tried. He pushed his hands against his head in frustration, wondering when his suffering would end.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me you’re alright” Caleb’s voice started up again, the commanding undertone sharp in his ears.

Neil’s face flushed red, heat rising to his features as he sucked in a breath. The floor was becoming less and less real, and as the tan gradually diverged into streams, Neil found that the pounding more or less started to pick up speed.

Aw, damn it.

The twenty-one-year-old huffed in frustration, slamming his hands on the rough wooden floor. With the little willpower he had left, Neil tried launching himself off his shaking limbs – but came crashing back to the floor, his butt back on the wooden planks he started on. Neil sighed; his eyelids heavy as he blew air through the crevice of his lips. With his consciousness fading rapidly, he wondered if his brother would still be there when it was all over.

How long will he put up with me? Neil thought, his arms flopping to his sides as he free-fell the rest of the distance.

The older college student released one last breath as his body met the ground, a loud thud replacing what would be the answer to his question.

~

“So how long has this been happening?”

Neil shifted in his seat; his friend Ryan draped across the couch like the chaotic gay he was. The taller of the two suppressed a laugh at his demeanor, but shut up when his eyes met the sky blues across from him. It was time for them to talk.

Ryan, one year younger than Neil, and with a younger brother of his own, decided to take matters into his own hands and meet so they could talk about their problems. Neil laughed when he made the proposition, but what got him on board was Ryan’s spiel about a therapist “costing way too damn much in Trump’s economy.” That’s how Neil sitting in a chair that felt way too small, holding back a smirk because his friend looked like the living embodiment of a stereotype.

“You harlot,” Ryan said, but the way his lips were upturned betrayed his demeanor, “I know what you’re thinking.”

Neil smirked. “Congratulations on figuring me out, secret gaygent. The rainbow reward will be shipped to you shortly,” he retaliated in his best salesperson voice.

“Shaddup bi spy,” Ryan replied, not missing a beat, “before I use both my hands to slap you.”

Neil chuckled. He missed Ryan. Although they hadn’t talked in ages, it felt like no time had passed when he stepped into his apartment and made fun of Ryan’s iced coffee. Neil had zoned out, thinking about how fortunate he was to be able to hang out with Ryan, when the boy in question cleared his throat.

“Sorry!” Neil said, sitting up. “Forgot what I was doing for a second.”

Ryan rolled his eyes, but his furrowed brows betrayed his demeanor as he muttered, “of course you did.”

Neil shrugged, a small smile forming on his lips.

“How long has it been happening?” Ryan asked again, sitting properly so he could pay more attention. “The shrinking episodes, I mean?”

Neil exhaled sharply, which prompted Ryan to jump off the couch and console him. The smaller boy put his right hand on Neil’s back, rubbing it while his other one laid limp on his stomach. He looked into the older boy’s eyes, pleading with the cocoa brown spheres that stared back.

“You’re alright, you’re alright…” Ryan breathed, and soon Neil’s whole body relaxed.

“I don’t like how intense this is,” Neil mumbled, turning his head as his face heated up.

Ryan offered a sympathetic smile. “Agreed,” he responded, humming to himself as he detached from the older boy. He gestured to the couch, and Neil complied, his body giving way to the fibers upon first contact. Ryan huffed in mock annoyance.

“Not like that, you overgrown baboon! Sit up!”

Neil played along, groaning as he sat up. Ryan smirked, and hummed to himself as he took the arms that laid limp at the Caribbean boy’s side and opened them like curtains, placing himself in his lap before covering himself with them. Neil raised an eyebrow.

“What are you up to?” He replied, to which Ryan shushed him.

“Just let me do what I need to do,” Ryan responded.

Neil rolled his eyes, “Need to do or want to do?”

Ryan shrugged innocently, “Can’t it be both?”

Neil smirked, letting Ryan finish. It wasn’t that he was bothered by his friend’s touch. The older boy found that he enjoyed the feeling of power he had over the smaller one, watching the effort Ryan put into draping himself into Neil, the difference in size between himself and the Caucasian boy in front of him plain as day. He noticed how gentle Ryan’s hands were, how smooth they felt on his skin, how they felt his callouses with wonder before settling on his tiny chest.

“Feelin’ better?” Ryan piped up after a bit.

Neil sighed dramatically. “I guess!” He said, throwing up his hands for dramatic effect.

Ryan paused in silence, waiting until the taller boy’s arms went back down before securing them across his chest. Neil chuckled.

“You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?” Neil teased.

Ryan turned his head up to face Neil’s. “So what if I am?”

“You might as well ask me out,” Neil said, his smirk widening.

Ryan made a sound from the back of his throat.

“Please!” He retorted, “If I wanted masc4masc, I wouldn’t have disappointed my dad and taken up football.”

Neil laughed, conscious of how his voice bounced across the walls of Ryan’s apartment. The smaller man jumped off Neil (and the couch). Neil grinned.

“I mean, that ass says you’d be a real good linebacker,” he joked, tapping Ryan’s bubble butt.

Ryan whipped around, ignoring the heat that rose to his cheeks.

“Trust me,” he responded, resting his hands on his hips, “if I did that you wouldn’t be able to even play the game.”

Neil just whistled in appreciation.

~

“So how long has this been happening?”

Neil woke up, his head no longer pounding. The throbbing on the side of his head had subsided, but the grogginess that followed was much more intense. Everything was hazy – the tan of the floor began merging with the tan of the nightstand next to him – its silhouette resembling something of a birdcage on the ground.

“Hello?”

Neil’s head snapped to the owner of the voice, and immediately regretted it. He made eye contact with the beast, once towering over him by a few inches, now towering over him by a couple feet.

Wait! Neil realized, I’m still on the ground. Maybe if I stand up…

“If you stand up, you’re still gonna be shorter,” He commented, reading Neil’s thoughts.

“Shut up, Caleb,” the older brother muttered, a scowl spreading across his features.

Caleb didn’t hear that part, or if he did the younger brother did a good job of not acknowledging it. Neil found the strength to launch himself to his feet, this time successfully doing so, before realizing he was only four feet tall. Neil groaned.

At least I’m not the size of a toddler. He thought to himself. Caleb’s still intimidating though.

“You still mad at me?”

Neil froze, having temporarily forgotten that Caleb had came into his room. Suddenly, he remembered why he was in there.

We were fighting, the older boy realized, I screamed at him and he’s still concerned about me.

Neil buried his head in his hands, turning away from the mini-giant before him. At 6’6, Caleb was the most intimidating person in the room. He wished he shrunk in front of Ryan, or maybe even his little brother Max. Because Max knew he was big – Max had an explosive growth spurt, but even at this height Neil knew he wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Neil’s brother, however, he knew nothing about. They’d talk occasionally, but with Caleb going to college this year, their talks lacked depth and only got as far as “how are your studies?” or something along academic lines. Knowing this made this situation worse for Neil. He took a deep breath, and without facing his brother, answered.

“Yeah.”

He exhaled shakily, and he knew that his brother could tell he was scared. The last time this happened, they had hugged, and Caleb had given him the space he wanted.

But that was almost three years ago. Neil thought sadly, when I thought I could fix him.

They hadn’t talked after that interaction. Caleb had simply waited out the five days (three days was too hopeful, as Caleb had an academic life to attend to), sent a long text about what to do with the Size Modifier, and let him explore his brother’s room, searching for the gun with a hot pink sticky note on it. Neil thought it was ridiculous – he had consoled him only to leave him by himself, again, but didn’t comment. He did, however, write on the back of that sticky note that “Size Modifier” was a stupid name, and that it clearly covered up that originally the invention was a “Shrink Ray”.

Did he even read the note? Neil thought to himself sadly.

Caleb cleared his throat.

“Why?”

Neil fumed. Why? Neil had gone through hell with the people he used to be close to – his old friends left him, and his parents kicked him out of the house for a short while. All except Ryan, who offered to let him stay in their house, where he met Ryan’s brother Max and mother too. Caleb hadn’t even contacted him until his parents called for him back, and even then they treated him coldly until they realized that they were doing better with him than without him.

Neil huffed, his smaller body taking up less oxygen than the titanic mass in front of him.

“You LEFT me!” Neil shouted, his hands thrown up in frustration as he faced the only other human in the room.

Caleb bit his tongue, clearly frustrated, but he took in a deep breath before replying steadily.

“And you hadn’t?”

Neil’s face reddened at the accusation. He laughed maniacally, tears threatening to spill down his face before a sinister grin and crinkles played across his features.

“I left you? Are you fucking serious, Caleb?! You’ve gotta be shitting me - you’ve just gotta be! I’ve been there for you since the WOMB, and you have the AUDACITY to say that I left you?! Okay then, Mr. Hotshot – ”

Caleb’s eyes narrowed at his brother’s reply, his frown turning lethal. Still, he kept his voice steady as he responded: “You better watch your tone.”

Neil paused, his heart suddenly picking up pace. But when he looked back at the man who could end his entire existence, all he could see is the interruption of progress. His angry demeanor returned as he snarled:

“And ANOTHER thing! Ever since you’ve outgrown me, NO ONE treats me with respect anymore! You just did it, mom does it occasionally, dad still does it with every interaction we have. Even the friends that you took from me do it! They see me as nothing but a shadow of YOU! You should be grateful! I’ve been nothing but kind to you for the past 18 years of your existence, and you’ve thanked me by LEAVING me to die, fucking bitching about the childhood that I never got to have, and being angry at ME for having emotions.”

Caleb reeled back, his anger evaporating. Neil took this as a hint to continue, and ran past the bigger human, climbing his headboard before landing face forward on the mattress. He got to his feet and turned to face his brother on a more even playing field.

Now, Neil thought triumphantly, I’m looking down on him.

Neil pointed a finger directly at his brother’s nose. Caleb simply looked at the digit, cross-eyed, as Neil continued:

“You didn’t care about me! I’ve defended you from our parents from the moment you were born! I’ve been there when dad was busy working and mom’s been a straight up alcoholic, and even tried supporting the decisions they wouldn’t! What more do you want from me?!”

Neil watched Caleb sigh, letting the tears he had held back for so long slowly drift down his face. His brother wasn’t looking at him. In fact, it seemed like he was looking past him, with tears of his own on the verge of showing.

“I-“ He started, blinking away the tears.

Neil took a shaky breath as he backed away from his brother, his feet sinking further into the mattress. Despite his anger, he felt a tinge of concern for the mammoth of a man staring past him. He cursed inwardly, clenching his fists as his heart began to pound. Neil paled as he looked back to his brother, whose mouth was moving but no sound was coming out.

He could kill me, Neil realized, for what felt like the fiftieth time that day.
But he won’t, the little voice in the back of his head responded. He can’t.

Neil took in a few more gasps for air before slowly unclenching his fists. He looked to the giant – no, to his brother as tears silently spilled down his cheeks. He dared to get closer to him, and swallowed the lump in his throat before asking:

“Are you okay?”

His voice barely filled the room, but it was enough to snap Caleb out of his daze, his eyes to the four-foot-tall man whose eyes, bloodshot and swollen, looked worriedly in his direction. He offered a soft smile as solace for the smaller being, but Neil saw through it and huffed before hesitantly opening his arms to his younger brother.

“Do you…need a hug?” He asked, and Caleb remained motionless.

Neil started to lower his hands, but squeaked in surprise when he was suddenly thrusted against the cotton stretched across Caleb’s chest. He felt his brother’s warmth radiate through him as the bigger of the two tried his best not to crush Neil. Neil didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Caleb’s arms wrapped tighter around the twenty-one-year-old, and as he exhaled Neil felt something wet drop down to the top of his forehead.

Caleb had accepted his hug.

Neil laid motionless in his brother’s grasp, part of him feeling helpless, but the voice from before in the back of his head laid content, their concerned input retreating from his thoughts.

The eighteen-year-old finally separated himself from his brother, their eyes identical as his ovals peered into his brother’s smaller ones.

“I –“ He tried again, but Neil hushed him softly.

“I know you don’t like to talk about this kinda stuff, dude,” he said quietly, finally prying his arms away from his sides to wipe the remaining tears off his face.

“I don’t think it’s safe for me to stay here anymore.”

Neil’s eyes widened.

“Why?”

Caleb took a shaky breath, looking to his brother.

“I keep hurting you,” he responded, averting his eyes once the words flew out.

Neil’s eyes softened as he dared to step closer, putting a miniature sized hand on his brother’s cheek.

“You’re learning,” he corrected, letting his hand fall once Caleb turned to face him again.

Comfortable silence filled the air as the two just stayed like that, motionless for what seemed like forever. Finally, the younger brother, wiping the tears and gunk from his eyes, looked to his smaller brother, frowning. Neil gave him a puzzled look back.

“What’s wrong?”

“Do you ever…wish our parents were like Ryan’s?”

Neil looked to the ground, which from the bed seemed further than it did climbing up. He sighed as he made eye contact once again, and knowing the implications, he nodded. The older of the two’s mouth twitched as he forced himself to elaborate.

“Maybe not the whole favoritism thing with the ‘my-brother-is-jealous-cuz-I’m-gay-and-he’s-a-bodybuilder’ type relationship.”

Caleb let out a dry laugh as his brother continued.

“But yeah, it would feel nice to be accepted, I guess.”

Neil turned to the side and jumped down from the bed. The tiny man made his way towards the door, only to be blocked by a gargantuan hand on his chest. He looked up and saw his brother looking at him with heavy eyes.

“I accept you,” he said softly, and offered a weak smile.

Neil stayed frozen, his brain processing it still. Even as managed a wave as his brother left his room, it had yet to click in his mind.

But as the door shut and the heavy footfalls began to retreat, the shrunken college student knew everything would be okay.

3 | Denial

Three years later. Neil (24) and Caleb (21) go to a party. But as Neil comes to realize, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

“Talk to me, Neil.”

Years later and they were still at it. Maybe it was fate. Maybe it was siblings. But something about it felt…familiar, to Neil. Like they were bound to dance this tango forever. There was always something, something that his brother had that he didn’t. And as long as they were brothers, it felt like there’d always be something to talk through.

Neil was tired of it. Somehow, Ryan and Max had figured their shit out years ago, and here they were still unpacking it. Of course, he’d never wish to be the Caucasian siblings - they had crossed lines, many lines, lines that even Neil knew not to cross. There had to be distinction somewhere, and the two brothers had lost their way in discerning it.

But for Neil and Caleb, the opposite problem existed. All they had was distinction. It existed out loud, and even in the quiet of Neil’s room it persisted. Neil had long tried to make amends, and in some ways he succeeded, but unfortunately those amends came with those familiar distinctions. Set apart, his parents had explained, back before he had been outed and kicked out.

Straight brother. Bi brother.
Taller brother. Shorter brother.
Younger brother. Older brother.
Athletic brother. Nerdy brother.
Favorite brother. Disowned brother.

Neil brought himself back to reality with a shrug, dismissing how much the last distinction stung him. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Caleb huffed, a frown evident on his features. “You’ve always been a bad liar.”

“Who asked you, nigga?” Neil asked, making a face.

He regretted it the moment it left his lips. Caleb was smirking now, a full 180 from what he was sporting before. Neil juggled the ice inside his plastic cup, debating whether to chug the mysterious drink or throw it in his brother’s face. Decisions, decisions…he thought to himself, swirling it with slightly more force. He suppressed the urge to look up as the atmosphere began to shift.

Caleb chuckled as he took a step closer. “Cussing doesn’t suit you lil’ nigga.”

The shorter brother attempted to retaliate but realized that Caleb had proved his point. He hadn’t even noticed when his younger brother said it. It just…sounded more casual, coming from him. Chalk one more up to Caleb, he thought miserably, deciding to down the drink altogether. As the alcohol burned through his throat, he waited for the buzz that would set him free. Neil sucked through his teeth as he felt his sobriety begin to leave him.

“Shut up.”

Caleb grinned, playing dumb. “I didn’t say nothin’.”

Neil went for another sip of his beverage before he realized it was empty. And as much as he wanted to throw the ice cubes at Caleb, the two of them were in public - and he was the man’s plus 1 to this event. Neil groaned.

“Why did you invite me out, again?”

Caleb shrugged, the grin still attached to his features. “You don’t. Go out, I mean. Thought it’d be good for you.”

Neil grumbled to himself, his eyes searching the premise for a trash can. He was way too sober to be hanging out here. “I’m too old to be here,” he mumbled, spotting a trash can near the refreshments table. He excused himself with a sloppy wave, making his way to the table.

Finally, he thought, as the heat inside his throat seemed to spread to his face. Fun.

He tossed his ice-ridden solo cup into the trash, ignoring the looks he got as he went to sulk back near the garage door. To his chagrin, his brother was still there - and someone else, too.

He sharply inhaled, reminding himself the buzz would get him through the interaction if needed. He took his spot against the garage door and pulled out his phone, his ears twitching as the two men conversed.

“He doesn’t look like he’s having fun,” the stranger said, peeking at him once before taking a more obvious look when he realized Neil was on his phone.

The tips of his ears began to turn red. Since when have people cared about how much fun I’m having?

He opened his phone to his messages and opted to text Ryan.

How are you and the boyfriend? |---

He waited a minute for a response, and once he realized it still hadn’t come through, he readied himself to swipe off when his phone buzzed.

---| ha ha.

---| wait do you mean me and maxie

---| or like my actual bf

Neil barely held back a snort.

You fucking your brother now too? |---

---| stfu you black bitch

Damn, you’re a hoe |---

The 6’2 man smirked as he continued tapping away at his screen.

Gonna screenshot that, by the way |---

Incestous AND racist? |---

You sure you weren’t raised in a barn? |---

---| classist hoe

---| also don’t you dare

---| don’t think i forgot the stunt you pulled at the mall

Oh yeah, Neil thought, as those thoughts started to get louder. His smirk widened into a grin.

You didn’t say “no” |----

---| i didn’t say yes, either

---| i couldn’t even respond with you being homophobic

---| because you were wearing that gay ass outfit

Me, homophobic? A whole bisexual? |---

---| take a hike

You sound like a suburban dad. |---

Wait a minute… |---

Is your new boyfriend a father??? |---

---| STOP

---| ew ew ew EW

---| stop TALKING

I’m texting |---

---| whatever smartass

---| he’s not like that

---| he’s tall enough to look the part tho

“Wipe that grin off your face, you look stupid.”

Neil looked up and scoffed. Lo and behold, he was still there - and the other man too. Neil looked down at the other man, forcing a poker face. He was a bit taller than Ryan, probably by two inches or so, and lighter skinned than both he and his brother. His eyes locked with Caleb’s, wondering why he brought the man here.

“You’re not funny, Caleb.” He said, deciding to ignore the stranger altogether.

Caleb put his hands up in mock surrender. “Chill, chill. Only thing I could do to get your attention.”

“Hey, dude.”

Neil looked down at the stranger again, puzzled. The man was far from shy, in fact, it looked like he was more at home with them than the other residents. Something about the way he said it threw the older brother off.

“Uh…” he recovered, grasping for a sense of normalcy, “who are you?”

The man shrugged. “Could ask you the same thing.” He put a hand out to shake. “The name’s Devon.”

Neil’s eyes flicked to Caleb, who was nodding adamantly. Hesitantly, the older brother took his hand in his own and shook it quickly but firmly. The black-clad brother was surprised by how the smaller guy reciprocated his speed and strength, seemingly wanting to get it over with, too.

“So…how old’s Caleb?”

He groaned. Of course the new guy would only want to meet him for his brother.

“He’s straight,” Neil said, attempting to shut down any hints of flirting. Caleb’s eyes widened.

“What the fuck- “ Caleb said, but Devon stopped him with a raise of his palm.

“Not interested,” Devon deadpanned, attempting to get back on topic. “How old is your little brother?”

Now it was Neil’s turn to look at the man in surprise. How did he…? The older man recovered quickly, his fingertips itching for another cup.

“Twenty-one.” He forked over.

“And how old are you?”

“You’d be surprised.”

Devon rolled his eyes. “Probably not. I bet I can guess how old you are.”

Neil shrugged. “Do your best.”

“23.”

“Close.”

“22.”


“Wrong direction.”

Devon quirked an eyebrow. “I guess that leaves- ”

“Twenty-four, thanks for guessing.” He sneered, watching Caleb slip away in embarrassment. He jabbed his head in Caleb’s direction. “Care to join your friend over there?"

Devon gave him the stink eye. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I just wanted to talk.”

Talk? His thoughts echoed. He *was* talking. And sure he was a bit buzzed, but it wasn’t like they were doing anything important. Right?

Something in him deflated though. He wanted to talk to me. Me, specifically. And I turned him down because I thought he was hitting on my brother. Again.

“M’bad,” he managed, surprising both of them. “I just wish the drinks here were stronger.”

Devon sighed, some of the tension from earlier leaving his shoulders. “Feel you, man. Wish Palmer hadn’t dragged me to this shit sober.”

Palmer? Neil looked the man in the eye, the name ringing a bell. Wasn’t that one of…Caleb’s friends?

“How old is Palmer?” He asked.

“Twenty.” He said calmly. “I don’t even go to this school.”

Neil squinted. “Do you even go to college?”

“Yea, online,” Devon responded. “‘Cept in mine, we all mind our business - like normies.”

The taller of the duo winced as he recognized the term. “Damn, we’re old. What are you - 23?”

Devon nodded, eyeing the empty refreshment table. “How’d you guess?”


“It was your guess first.”

The shorter man shrugged. “Figures. Two 20-somethings at a college party. Can you believe it?”

Neil grinned as the vaguely hazy feeling from earlier began to retreat. "Believe it, man. Shit's crazy."

----

Neil surprised himself by talking to Devon the rest of the night.

In a blink of an eye, 12 AM became 6, and they were two of five people left on the lawn. Caleb had helped the host, Jermaine, clean the rented home before stopping by to pick up his brother.

“Ready?” He asked, sending a nod to Neil as he waved goodbye to his new friend. He nodded as Caleb beckoned him to his car.

“Knew you’d like him.”

Neil groaned as he slumped into the passenger seat. “Just take me home, ‘leb.”

Caleb shrugged off the sentiment, grinning. “You mad.”

The older man scoffed. “Says who?”

The light ahead of them flashed red, permitting Caleb to turn his head. He looked at his brother inquisitively, his eyebrows narrowing slightly before the light turned green again, beckoning him to focus on the road again.

“You, of all people,” he said finally, a little less pompous. “Why’d you think Devon was interested in me?”

Neil shrugged. “That’s how it’s always been. I’m the protective older brother, and you’re the one everyone wants to jerk off.”

Caleb wiggled his eyebrows. “Jealous?”

Neil folded his arms against his chest. “Of you?” He asked accusingly, to which his brother nodded.

The older brother’s eyes turned to the window. As the setting warped behind their vehicle, Neil couldn’t help but think about Devon. How he’d went out of his way to greet him. The way he threw his head back when he laughed, or the snide remarks he’d mutter as everyone around them got drunk. His thoughts pivoted to Ryan, who had the dating pool wrapped around his finger, who flirted as a hobby and helped him understand his own sexuality. Finally, his thoughts settled on the driver, who despite everything still wanted his older brother around.

Three years. They’d built it up in three years after his big breakdown, working tirelessly to trust each other. Sure, Caleb definitely wasn’t his favorite person, but 21-year-old Neil would definitely be surprised that they ate out together occasionally.

As the streetlamps’ colors danced across Neil’s face, his thoughts returned to the question Caleb asked. Was he jealous of his brother? In the past, all the time, but now…? He straightened in his seat, watching his brother pull into the garage. It was still unfair. Unfair how persistent his brother was, or how easy for Ryan relationships were, or how happy Devon was.

Neil frowned. He was jealous - of Devon, Ryan, and Caleb. But it wasn’t something that consumed his life. It was only in moments like this, with the car in park and his brother already out of the car that he missed what they had. Joy, relationships, resilience. So close he could see them, but so far the air around him couldn’t touch them.

Neil deflated with a sigh. “...sometimes.”