Love, Trust and Expectations

When someone we love cheats, there will naturally be many questions. But, before we are ready to hear answers, we must first be prepared for the truth. The emotional pain that invariably comes from infidelity, blinds us, so that we cannot, at least initially, hear the truth.

Truth is what we all seek, regardless of our circumstances, but answers are benign without it. And when it comes to matters of the heart, the truth is often painful, ugly and extremely difficult to hear.

Honesty, whether that is from the person who broke our trust or from someone who cares and wants to help and support us, is ultimately a matter of timing and knowing when a person is ready.

It takes time to get over the pain of loss and let go of the anger created by someone's careless act, but until that happens, truth invariably falls on deaf ears.

In order to move forward in our lives and grow, there must first come a time when negative emotions are left behind and truth...real truth...not the kind where we tell people that we are fine and have never been happier...but the truth of ownership and responsibility that must come to bear.

That, in itself, requires a lot of soul searching...focusing less on them and what they did, and more on us and the part we played. When we are ready to ask the real questions...not of them, but of ourselves. Answers that will hopefully bring closure and allow us to be vulnerable once again. To see that it wasn't stupid or foolish that we gave our trust to someone. That it is not our fault they couldn't see the true value of that gift.

Trust should never be given with conditions attached. As the old saying goes, expectations will always lead to disappointment. If someone throws away our gift of trust, then who is the fool? Even if, in the end, everyone loses, there will also be something gained. Understanding that when we are let down by the one we love, even worse is the fact that they have also let themselves down.

It is important to accept that mistakes are made by all involved, which is the key to understanding, and then learning from those mistakes. That's not to say anyone deserves to be hurt by infidelity but steers away from using blame as a way to avoid facing the harsh realities of the reasons why a person would cheat. This then guides both people towards accountability and ownership of how the relationship got to that point in the first place.

It's not about wondering what's wrong with us, but looking inwards and being honest about what happened that contributed towards the demise of the relationship. When it comes to relationship breakdowns (unless dealing with someone who displays narcissistic tendencies), no one is completely innocent...as hard as that is to come to terms with. Identifying and learning from our own mistakes, to uncover what we could do better in any future relationship, that will hopefully make it so strong and true, we never have to go through anything like that again.

Unfortunately, life is not a fairy tale, and sometimes people do things that are thoughtless, selfish and uncaring. There really are no guarantees. We can only do our best and be our best. The alternative is to spend years being suspicious of whoever may come into our lives, thereby making them pay for our previous partner's failings...and in truth, those of our own. Trust may hurt us, but it can also bring what it is we are all searching for...real love. And when we have that, there is not even a glimmer of doubt...trust...peace and true happiness.

Love is life's gamble, but if we are too afraid to lose, we lose anyway.