I don't want a funeral

Hello to anyone who comes across this,

I wrote this while in a dark place. I don't write much as I have got older but I wanted to share something personal out there so hopefully it helps someone. I haven't given up the fight against depression but for those who are sensitive to the topic this (whatever you want to call it) might not be for you so please be safe out there


I don't want a funeral

I don't want one because it would be a waste of money

I don't want one because everyone could use that money to get ahead

I don't want one because it would burden those in my family to organize it

I don't want one because it would force my parents to be in the same room as each other again

I don't want one because it would hurt them both to have to see each other

I don't want one because dad cant let go of his pain and loses control of his temper

I don't want one because mum still gets hurt with every word he says

I don't want one because my sister will be a drama queen about it

I don't want one because with out me there who is going to talk common sense to them

I don't want one because I wont see my cousins succeed with music

I don't want one because I want to hear the magic that they could create

I don't want one because then I couldn't see any of them on stage playing to thousands

I don't want one because I wouldn't be there with them to grow old

I don't want one because then I wouldn't be there to help them when times are hard

I don't want one because I wont see the younger ones create their families

I don't want one because I want see my friends have their own families

I don't want one because my friends are my brothers

I don't want one because I want to see my brothers succeed

I don't want one because I have watched them all grow so much.

The work.

The hours

The blood

The sweat

The tears

The frustrations

The failures

The small victories

The complete break downs

The complete rebuilds

I don't want one because all that support they gave me was for nothing

I don't want one because it would mean I betrayed them

I don't want one because it could cause them to falter

I don't want one because it would mean the could have one

I don't want one because the pain of seeing someone walked down that aisle

cold

cramped

in the dark

surrounded by loved ones whose cries and pain cant reach them

even if you are carrying the coffin will fall on deaf ears

I don't want one because I don't want anyone to go through that with me

I don't want one because it would hurt everyone

I don't want one because i'm scared

scared they might not

be there

hurt

cry

feel

care.....
































I don't want one because if they don't it proves my depression right

I don't want one because it would prove that I was right that no one loved me

I don't want one because it would prove that I was never worthy of being around

I don't want one because I have nothing to leave behind

I don't want one because although I don't feel wanted

loved

desired

or cared about in anyway

it would prove those feelings right

It would prove every failed love

relationships

tears

fights

hugs

and every single kiss




was for nothing

Every time someone said those 3 awful words

Every syllable, sound wave, muscle movement

meant nothing










I don't want one because all these years of pain

heart ache

loneliness

sickness

every late night

every smile

laugh

is just lost to time

I don't want one because I am tired

I don't want one

I don't want

I don't

I
































I just want to die