God gives us choice

My hip hurts today. I overdid it and now I pay the price. I felt better and that made me want to push myself to experience what it was like to feel better. That was a mistake. Now I am faced with a day to rest and learn what it means to take care of myself. It is so much easier to be a human doing than a human being.

I do have a couple things that need to be done. The dog needs to get outside. As I ponder I think of the woman down the hall who broke her hip and looks forward every day to persons who will walk her dog because she can not do it anymore. She is healing and after eight months of being in one place it is good to see her walk the hall in her walker.

This hearkens me back to a time I thought my life had ended. I had been under investigation for accidentally switching some medicines with two clients. In their opinion it took only one time of me doing this to make the clients I'll and that was reason enough for me to lose my caregiver identity. I had enjoyed taking care of Frances, a woman no one could work with. I was her manager for over two years and somehow knew the right thing to do. Then along came a day when my supervisor needed help. No one else would do it. Who knew how long this had been going on. She was also under investigation. The difference was she had lawyers from the beginning. The bottom line was a mistake had been made and someone had to pay the price and that person was me. I consulted with my wife and former spouse. They were persons who I trusted. They did not mince words they told me to go on Social security, because I was clearly mentally ill. If I hurt these guys I would hurt someone else. One of the guys who was sickly at the time died several months later. It became clearer that they were saying I was the cause. I was kicked out of the field and could only be reinstated after I showed that I had rehabilitated myself. And it was clear that after I did what they wanted several years later that would not guarantee I could ever work as caregiver again. That was something I enjoyed immensely. Now the only thing I knew was depression. I had little or no hope. I looked into SSI and wondered if I could even survive. I was forced to go on unemployment and even that was difficult because the agency was claiming I was totally incompetent. I fought and won with help. I after all needed money to surviv and I was paying child support. That was a cross I had to bear and I was living in a garage kind of residence with not even a mattress. I still had to eat.

Then it dawned on me that I could get a second opinion. So I found a Christian career counseling place and decided to see what their thoughts were on my future. I went for a week and was better every day in the way I dressed and took care of myself. My writing and poetry won the day. The first day we looked at the fact that I was clearly depressed and had been that way all my life and yet I was more than my depression. We talked about other ways I saw myself besides feeling depressed. That helped. Then I took lots and lots of tests and met with a clinical psychologist. The further along I went the more confident I was that life did not have to end at 45.

As we got to the last day I was hearing that I had gifts and vulnerability. The message from many pages of written material was that I clearly had something called PTSD that had caused me to know failure and disappointment as if it was somehow expected. They told me of a need for intensive counseling if I was ever to exit that spiral. The materials, tests revealed I was clearly a caregiver type and yet wit the wounds of my past it could not and would not work without lots of therapy. They even mentioned a guy who could help "Phil". Then as it wound down they asked me what I thought. That was one of those profound moments. It was not their determination it was mine that would make the difference. I felt hope!!

Then came a time of dialogue. I had always been a caregiver In one form or another. Now what? We talked about finding something to do while I healed. So this began a journey that continues to this day. Not long after meeting I found a job delivering pizza at Papa John's. Not long after that I met with a former pastor in a security office. I will never forget the question about why I wanted to be a security guard. I wanted to feel safer and out of that help others to feel safe. It made sense. I would do that for ten years as I fought to get my life back

And yes I did finally meet up with Phil. It was God ordained. I went to a mental health center looking for help and I found myself weeping with a female there asking me questions. She said it was clear that I had a PTSD issue and a man by the name of Phil would be the best person for the job. It was the exact person the career counselors talked of. What were the odds. And this began a ten year journey with Phil's support recovering who I was at the core of my being, an incredible wonderful child of God. Once I undid the damage of the past and loved my parents as doing the best they could with what they knew, I got my life back and regained courage to be a caregiver. And this time it was going to work! And it has worked. I move into retirement as someone others count on to do caregiving. I also do the best I can to care for my wife. All of a sudden life is worth it. I am more than my depression and with what breath I have left I do the best I can to serve God and others, God giving me strength