He Smiles

He Smiles

“The moon is full tonight.”

He doesn’t answer. Normally he would make a comment about it, but tonight he’s upset. I sit here, trying to figure out what to do, say, that will help him. I’m not even sure why he’s upset, he has plenty of reasons, I just don’t know which one is stuck in his head this time.

He is dying. He knows it, I know it, everybody knows it, but nobody can really prepare you for it, nobody can tell you when it will happen. This is the end of years of working, hoping, trying, hanging on. You start with a “We can beat this!” and “This, will surely turn it around!” then the next thing that will turn it around, and the next... ever hopeful! Then you realize it isn’t going to turn around, so you start focusing on the timeline, quality of life, more years!

Eventually you get to the place where the quality of life in those more years, starts to degrade. Things get harder, pain more constant. Parts of the person’s life that used to be important to them start to fade into the background, or slip away entirely.

And what do you do? You cope. If you love them, you cope. You don’t want them in pain, you don’t want them upset, or worse, sad. You don’t want to lose them, but you don’t want them to stay if the life they want can’t be had anymore. You start letting them go, so they can leave without feeling they are letting you down. Though other days still, neither of you thinks in those directions. Other days, you just hold on, love each other.

I take his hand, he looks at me as if he’d forgotten I was there, but then, he smiles.