John's Memory

Flashbacks of him and Joe as kids came back to John. He remembered when they were little, everyone thought Joe was scared of everything. But John knew Joe was fearless. Maybe oversensitive but unafraid to be himself and show his emotions. Unafraid to feel his feelings. Most people just push them down and they get heavier and heavier to carry. Not Joe- he cared about everyone and everything and wasn't afraid to show it.

John remembers Joe sleeping in eight sweatshirts when he was three years old because he couldn’t pick his favourite. Joe didn’t want any of the other sweaters to be mad at him. Joe woke them both up in the middle of the night screaming and sweating because it was so hot in all them.

Another time, their parents let them stay up late to watch scary movies together. When John and Joe went to bed, John heard Joe whimpering, so John crawled into Joe's bed with him. For hours, John listened to Joe tell him all about his bad dreams. Joe thought that he needed to go to a doctor to get rid of these bad dreams. So John pretended to be a doctor and listened. He asked how long Joe had been having these dreams and how bad they got. John nodded his head and pretended to make notes. Then, John wrote him a prescription for courage and they slept together under Joe’s covers that night.

***

I know God has a plan but sometimes its so hard to see and accept it. Because I still don't understand why we stood outside on that hot July day and why Hallelujah always makes me cry. While everyone else was mourning, I got washed away in a tsunami of sweat and tears that took me to a place where I never had to accept that you were gone. I’m still waiting for you to walk through the front door again. We could make quesdiallias, remember? Your credit card is expiring on my Amazon account and I know you’re going to need to update it to keep buying snacks.

I’ll always miss you
I’ll never not miss you
I’ll miss you more and more as time goes on and you’re not here
And I’m looking around for my brother
Who stands six feet high
But instead he’s buried six feet below
I wish we could just say sorry and you would come back
I wish I could forgive, like I know you do Matt
I wish I never hid your face with makeup in the kitchen
I wish I never sent you back to prison
I would drive to Kingston a thousand times
If it meant you were coming back
And we could stop and get snacks
I could hear you out back
Having beers with the boys
Screaming through the front door
Bitching with me in the kitchen
And now two can’t dine for 9.99
What do I tell Carter
That I just didn’t see this
I could diagnose your bad dreams at six
But something this big I could miss
I’m still checking my phone
Waiting for you to come online
But the only back
Is walking out the door
And I never said good-bye
I never said anything
As the straws got shorter
and so did the time
An now you’re frozen
forever 26