Red Nuts Roasting

Red Nuts Roasting
(to the tune of Chestnuts roasting on an Open Fire - Nat King Cole version)

Red nuts roasting as though they’re on fire,
jock itch feels that way sometimes.
My girl rubs salve on her burning bush,
and glares like I’ve committed crimes.

We both know the gym is dirty and that fungus grows,
a sweaty nautilus surprise,
tiny spores work their way through spandex
and then take root between our thighs.

The urgent itch just never goes away,
my sleepless nights blur into restless fidget days.
And every time I scratch, I breathe a sigh,
Such an aching sweet relief that I could cry.

I’m still wishing we would get it on
to alleviate this misery.
But all I’m hearing is the same chill refrain -
keep your distance from me.

So, for now, I’ll have to rub one out,
to alleviate my misery.
‘Cause, all I’m hearing is that same chill refrain -
keep your distance,
keep your distance,
keep your distance from me.

Author's note: ▼

Written for the December 2021 round of The Bard's Hall Contest.

Prompt: Parody of Holiday Songs!

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The Bard's Hall Contest  (13+) NOVEMBER: Comedy... Thanksgiving with the Family #981150 by StephBee