Journal/Blog

11/30/2021

I have no idea how to get through to the neighbors. They live above me and have only been up there a month. I am a quiet, keep to myself kind of person. They are loud and obnoxious. There idea of respecting neighbors is telling you to "just bang on the ceiling". How many times a day does a person need to bang on the ceiling before they start to realize their behavior affects others? This is on a daily basis, since they moved in. I try to deal with all the loud banging, screaming and yelling, running up and down the stairs and pounding on the floor for as long as possible before I grab my mop and hit the ceiling. By the time I decide I have had enough, I am screaming inside my head for them to stop. I have lived in many apartments throughout my life, but I have never dealt with anything like this. My landlord is useless. I am counting down the months I have left before my lease is up.

12/3/2021

I'm already bad at this daily writing. I have to work harder in keeping up with it. The last few days have been pretty rough for me though. I am struggling to keep my thoughts together because so much is on my mind at once. My biggest stress is financially since I am out of work for a bit. It sucks! Because of the type of work I do, I am restricted from doing it. I am looking for another job to help for the time being, or maybe a permanent career change. It's not as easy as it used to be. I have experience, but now they want you to have a degree. The worse part is that they pay less than my current position on top of wanting a degree. Who is willing to work for basically minimum wage with a degree? That's just insane! I don't know when I am going to see anything coming in from workers comp or short term since I haven't seen anything yet.

12/6/2021

Yep, I agree, this is not a daily bog/journal. I can't seem to get out of this, I guess depression. I have zero energy to do anything. I have a hard time focusing and it doesn't help that I have to neighbors from hell. I guess this is all for today.

12/15/2021

I am afraid I may be lost within myself. So much of him consumes me. He is back. I don't know if he is back for a visit, if he is alone or if it is for good. I torture myself. Why do I do that? Some days I can push thoughts of him out of my mind, while other days he consumes me. I tried so hard to stay away, to not drive by there, but I couldn't help myself. I have not driven by there in quite a while and I was proud of myself, but then I did. All of the feelings I thought were gone, all came flooding back. Both good and bad feelings. I can get him off my mind for a little while, but then he's always there. He's like a thief that comes into your house to steal the most valuable heirloom, your soul. It's hard to tell if he knows what he is taking from you. Does he know? If he does, then does he care? I want to fix things with his sister because she is the gatekeeper. She is, always has been and always will be the one that decides your destiny. She plays with your heart and mind; she is a master manipulator. She knows how to reel you in and how to destroy you from within. She is more powerful than anything I've seen in my life. I have played her game and lost twice. Do I want to play again? Am I looking to be destroyed? She is the one I have to go through to get to him. Is it worth sacrificing what is left of me? He couldn't care much for me if he could rip my heart out, not once, but twice. Act like it means nothing to him. Is he acting or does he really not care?

12/20/2021

Well, I did it. I decided to play with the gatekeeper one more time. I played nice with her to get the information I both wanted and didn't want. He is back for good. He isn't alone though. They are all back, and living with her, his sister, the gatekeeper.