The Absence of Sensation

Am I some sort of sociopath? A sadist? A masochist?
I want so badly to be in love, to feel loved, to love...
So why can't I let myself?
Why can't I be attracted to the ones that want me--that know I exist?
Am I a bad person?
I wish I could give you what you want, but when you touch me, I feel nothing.
When I think of you, I feel nothing.
When you tell me you love me, I feel nothing.
And when you decided to leave because being just friends hurt you too much, I felt nothing.
Is this how it's always going to be?
Am I destined to be forever alone--to never feel anything for anyone?
I think maybe I am just in love with the idea of love.
I want to feel the intensity, the consumption, the pleasure,
but most of all, I want to feel the loss when they leave me.
I want to have my heart broken.
I want to be hurt--because at least then I would feel something...
I just want to feel something.