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 |   Tales from real life |
| Well, if they're not true, they oughta be! |
| Reposted from Real Fake News: Atheists Hail Trump Victory by staff reporter Dee S. Gustin “I admit that President Trump's recent legal setbacks gave me pause," confessed prominent disbeliever Ida Noe. "I almost lost doubt. But I know now that I should never have been tempted to believe. Donald J. Trump is proof positive that there is no God. Case closed." "I thank Satan," declared MAGA evangelist Franklin Graham. "There is no tangible proof of God's existence, but you get real value when you consign your soul to Hell. The 2024 election is a complete vindication of self-interest, and I expect to do very well for myself in Donald Trump's America. It's time to tear down the wall that separates Church and State. MAGA patriots need a dependable pastor to absolve their sins, and I would be proud to be the first televangelist to hold a cabinet post (hint, hint). “What did you all expect,” laughed the Prince of Darkness. "Did you really think that foolish idealism could overcome my beautiful evil? I've invested decades in that orange moron and I'm not letting it go to waste. Together we'll defeat the forces of God, and the reaping will be sweet!" |
| Being MAGA means never having to love your neighbor. - The Gospel of Trump At a glance, MAGA seems like a reasonable slogan. Who wouldn't want to Make America Great? But then there's that negating word, Again. Why add Again, why not just MAG? In this context, Again means not now. So, MAGA really means America is not great. That isn't necessarily a terrible thing to say. Certainly, there's room for improvement. But 'America's next Hitler' falls far short of calling for improvement. At his rallies he uses words like failure, hellhole, and wasteland to describe America. His implication is clear: America Sucks. He follows up his disrespect with the claim that 'America's children have lost hope, there is no hope'. Again, he's being quite clear that MAGA really means America Sucks. His solutions? Concentration camps and deportation of immigrants. A federal sales tax (tariff's just another word for taxes we don't choose). A return to persecution based on gender, race, and political affiliation. An oppressive dictatorship with cultural police to enforce loyalty. And what about his personal commitment to improving America? He has never asked his base followers to make a personal sacrifice for their country. He's referred to military heroes as suckers and losers. He debases his presidency by hawking infomercial crap to the gullible. And. when asked if he learned from the supposed assassination attempt, he replied 'maybe I'm worse'. The greatest contribution America has given the world are these lines from the Declaration of Independence: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. America does not suck. But that may not always be the case. The MAGAnoughts deny the truth that all are created equal. They seek the power to deny these unalienable rights not just to immigrants, but to any who dare oppose them. A victory for this negative agenda would be an affront to the Creator and an end to the ideal of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Whether we are conservative or liberal, religious or secular, gay or straight, we should all be united in our desire to preserve the American dream. We hold this dream not just for ourselves, but in trust for generations to come. 250 years of hard-won progress toward equality and justice for all races and creeds must not be thrown away. Let's all move forward together with one common agreement: America does not suck! /size} |
| Rules are for suckers, laws are for losers! - The Gospel of Trump Do you remember the term “Moral Majority”? How about “Bible Belt”? Younger folks probably don’t know these terms from the Reagan era. I admit, I was taken in by those ‘good’ folks who made a show of going to church and promoting family values. Meanwhile, their candidate smirked about how clever it was to sell illegal drugs to finance illegal espionage activity. His administration set a record for indictments that is only now in danger of being broken. I didn’t always agree with their conservative views, but I really thought the moral majority were good people at heart. That quaint term is no longer in style. It's been replaced by a ‘me first’ philosophy in which winning is the only measure of success, the ends justify the means, and corruption is king. Today we suffer the tyranny of a self-righteous and entitled minority who dictate rules of behavior for others without even a pretense of personal decency or respect for the law on their part. Con artists, tax cheats, liars, and racists are tolerated as long as they win. Or even if they merely tell outrageous lies about winning. This base attitude extends even to the extent of supporting violent insurrection to overturn the presidential election and seize power. And, if anyone doubts their intentions, the amoral minority has published a plan, Project 2025, that outlines a return to a white patriarchy. It would be more accurate to call it Project 1825. Women, immigrants, and the poor would be reduced to second-class citizens with few rights and little opportunity. It’s often glossed over in American History classes, but only free, male landholders were allowed to vote under the original U.S. constitution. That is what Project 2025 envisions for our future. This amoral minority is led by a base man who argued before the Supreme Court that he is above the law, even to the extent of assassinating his political enemies. Six conservative justices, all members of what used to be called the moral majority, found in his favor. These same six justices handed down a separate ruling that public officials may legally accept ‘gifts’ from political supporters. To connect the dots, the second ruling made them immune from prosecution for accepting a bribe in return for the first ruling. There is credible evidence that the amoral minority will disrupt the 2024 election and put the choice in the hands of the House of Representatives. A conservative majority could then disregard the will of the voters and put their candidate into office, even if he loses by a landslide. The corrupt majority of the Supreme Court is expected to uphold this quasi-legal insurrection and confirm the destruction of western democracy. I don’t really understand why good people do bad things. People I once respected now seem stranger and more foreign to me than Haitian immigrants. But there is always hope. The media spotlights the lies about eating pets because a train wreck draws viewers. But in the background is a story of real Christian charity. Let’s not lose sight of the fact that in Springfield, Ohio, there are good people who’ve supported and defended a group of refugees seeking their God-given right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. My hope is that the amoral minority will fade away much like the Nazi’s after WWII. In twenty years, few of them will admit that they were once ‘good Germans’ who stood by and did nothing as their neighbors were murdered. They'll pretend, even to themselves, that they never supported insurrection and never voted for a dictator. When questioned by their children, they’ll repeat the line they’ve learned from their leader: “I never knew the man.” |
| Reposted from Real Fake News: I Am America's Himmler! Vance to take active role in the new Reich by staff reporter Ariel Quisling "I can honestly say that Donald Trump has an incredible record of success," vice-presidential candidate J. D. Vance told a panel of Faux news-actors. "He has pushed and strained to create a movement, and I am proud to be his number two. Every great movement needs a guy who can handle the paperwork. My clerical background will make me invaluable to President Trump as he does his business on the resolute desk." Vance basked in the reflected orange glow as the Faux News hosts took turns praising the brilliant Trump campaign strategy of demeaning women and insulting veterans. The interview wasn't all softballs, however. When asked about earlier criticism of the failed ex-president, Vance claimed to have been an 'always-Trumper' from infancy. "No one has loved President Trump longer or more deeply than me. Certainly not his many ex-wives and mistresses. Not even Kim Jong Un. People misunderstood when I compared my favorite president to Adolf Hitler. That was actually a compliment. Hitler was a stable genius who made Germany great again and President Trump will do even better. Donald Trump is twice the leader that Hitler was. In his second term, he'll make America great again, again! Hitler may have been a good speaker, but The Donald has much bigger crowds, and crowd size matters, believe me! But even so, The President can't do everything by himself. There's just not enough time in the day after golf and watching Faux News for the president to oversee internment camps and mass deportations. So, like Hitler, President Trump needs a second-in-command who's willing to do what's necessary to get the job done. I'm that go-to guy. I am America's Himmler!" Author's note: ▼ |
| In the beginning was the lie, and the lie was with Trump, and the lie was Trump. - The Gospel of Trump There's a certain presidential candidate who is being accused of being a DEI hire. The acronym isn't being used in the sense of diversity, equity, and inclusion, but rather as an insult meaning 'didn't earn it'. The insult is meant to demean a woman who achieved exemplary grades throughout her academic career and passed the bar to become a successful attorney. A woman who prosecuted felons instead of becoming one and then went on to a distinguished political career. The implication of DEI in this context is that she somehow doesn't deserve the credit due for her hard work and impressive accomplishments. But what about the other guy? What has he earned? He's never had an interview for a real job, never had to punch a time clock, and never had to submit to a performance review. He's a real estate developer who's never designed a building or hammered a nail. A golf resort magnate who never laid out a course or put down a single piece of sod. A politician who's never won the most votes in a general election. This failed, one term, ex-president claims to hold a business degree, but there is no proof that he actually received one. There's no proof because a legal injunction was filed to prevent the school from releasing his records. We can only speculate that his grades were embarrassingly poor, and that his transcript would show that he 'didn't earn it'. It's very possible that he benefited from what is known as the gentleman's C. That's the practice of moving wealthy or well-connected white boys through the academic system whether they attend classes or not. It would be difficult to prove, but if true, then he definitely didn't earn it. This same presidential candidate who rants about being treated unfairly relied on his father to jump-start his business career. He was gifted seed money from daddy rather than earning it. His father also provided him with access to real businessmen, pressured banks, and co-signed loans on his behalf. His start in business was handed to him on a silver platter, he didn't earn it. But even with the advantages of wealth and political connections, he managed to lose much of his father's net worth with a string of poor investments and multiple bankruptcies. One of his biggest personal successes was a stock company, DJT, that lured gullible investors to put their money into literally nothing. The company never offered any products or services, and never showed a profit. But the bankruptcy of DJT netted huge profits for its CEO, Donald J. Trump. In addition to taking millions in salary, Trump sold his own over-mortgaged properties to DJT at inflated prices. This paper shuffle left investors with ten cents on their dollar. DJT ceased to exist, and Trump received hundreds of millions without earning it. The supposedly spontaneous announcement of Donald Trump's presidential career was cheered and applauded, but the adoring crowd was mostly made up of paid actors. This startling fact came to light because he tried to stiff them, and the subsequent lawsuit became public record. The applause for his candidacy wasn't earned. It wasn't even paid for. Eventually, this serial fraud was appointed to the highest office in America by the electoral college. He was elevated over a better qualified candidate who received 5 million more votes. He may have been president, but he certainly didn't earn it. Now Donald J. Trump is running again, and he's running scared. His only realistic hope of avoiding a federal prison term is to pardon himself. He's already promised pardons to co-conspirators at all levels, from convicted capitol rioters to corrupt supreme court justices. And he's threatening retribution against all who dare to oppose him. Trump recently said in an interview that he's going to get nastier in his quest to regain power. As if he isn't already the nastiest politician we've ever seen. Trump could be an insult comic, but his jabs are mean rather than funny. He's never been known to apologize or say the word please. Donald Trump may demand your vote, but he certainly hasn't earned it. |
| Reposted from Real Fake News: Vance calls assassination attempt 'premature' by staff reporter D. S. Gustin "It could have been disastrous," commented vice-presidential candidate J. D. Vance. "I wasn't even on the ticket yet. What if the convention had turned into a real contest of values and ideas? We could have had a Hispanic, a darkie, or even a childless cat lady on the ticket! It was a great idea, but the timing was terrible. I wouldn't be here now without Trump rigging the primaries and making me his vice guy. I have to make sure he's sworn in before I make my next move. Even then, I can dump his fat ass with the 25th amendment. I mean, Trump may be looney tunes, but there's no need for an assassination - yet." Vance discounted speculation that he and Trump had orchestrated the assassination attempt to gain sympathy for the aging and increasingly incoherent former president. The politically inexperienced senator from Ohio scoffed at the suggestion that the plot was something that only a novelist could invent. "Sure, maybe I'll write it up that way in my memoirs," Vance laughed, "but let's win the election first. Look, all the contributors to Project 2025 agree that Donald Trump is more useful as a martyr than as an idiot, but he could never pull off a fake assassination. He's just not that good an actor, believe me. And even if we could pull it off, he'd give it away immediately. The guy lives to brag, and he suffers from oral diarrhea. He's never had an unexpressed thought in his entire life. Donald Trump is the last person you'd trust with classified information. No way we're letting him in on our secret plots." |
| A great political movement needs a rousing song: The MAGA Anthem (to the tune of The Caissons Go Rolling Along} Pack the court, find some votes, first, I need a favor though, the corruption goes rolling along. Overturn, overrule, make the law a MAGA tool, the corruption goes rolling along. And the RNC, a Trump subsidiary, shouts out the Big Lie loud and strong! For it's quid pro quo, dismiss charges and you'll know, that corruption goes rolling along. Fund the fraud, send him cash, loyalty means kissing ass, the corruption goes rolling along. All for one, all agree, bow to him in unity, the corruption goes rolling along. We'll live on our knees in a Trump theocracy, praising Dear Leader loud and strong! Retribution is mine, so you better fall in line, as corruption goes rolling along. |
| Donald Trump is the turd that floats in the bowl and won’t go down, no matter how many times you pull the handle. Maybe we should bring back high-flow toilets. Nothing else seems to work. MAGAnaughts were quick to proclaim that a ‘deep state conspiracy’, headed by Joe Biden, orchestrated the Trump assassination attempt. If so, then it was completely legal and acceptable under U.S. law as defined by Trump’s Supreme Court. Joe has already said that Donald Trump is a threat to America. His oath of office gives him a duty to "preserve, protect and defend" our country, and the SCOTUS ruling on presidential immunity gives him the authority to assassinate a political opponent as an official presidential act. Right-wing political hacks are trying to blame the assassination attempt on incendiary rhetoric from the left. But talk of murder, assassination, and civil war comes almost exclusively from the right. And Donald Trump sets the tone. Let’s review a few of his greatest hits. Trump began his political career with a boast that he could commit a public murder and not lose any support from his deplorable base. Why did he use such violent rhetoric? Why mock the fifth commandment? He could have simply confessed to committing adultery with a porn star. That would have been literally true, he wouldn't have lost a single vote, and he still could have mocked the sixth commandment. At his white trash rallies, the Don has suggested that police officers bang a suspect’s head when putting them into a patrol car. He urges the police not to be too gentle. He also told his followers to punch hecklers in the face and offered to pay their legal bills if they were arrested for assault. Why use such violent rhetoric? Why mock the teaching of Jesus by telling his people to "hit back harder" rather than turn the other cheek? Trump also hinted that it might be necessary to assassinate federal judges if he didn’t win the presidential election in 2016. He noted during his campaign that Hilary Clinton could appoint liberal judges to lifetime positions with no recourse for conservative voters. He went on to suggest that maybe the "second amendment people" could do something about it. Again, why use such violent rhetoric? Was he hoping that the MAGA mob would take his remarks to heart and rid him of these troublesome judges? His MAGA minions do hear his violent rhetoric and they do respond. Trump inspired an angry mob to attack the Capitol, assault police officers, and destroy property in a vain attempt to overturn the 2020 election. He waited until the insurrection had failed before calling for an end to the violence. And after the rioters had been arrested, tried, and convicted of insurrection, he called them true American patriots. The legal proceedings that resulted from the conspiracy to overturn the election gave Trump yet another opportunity to degrade the U.S. legal system. His defense team argued before the Supreme Court that a sitting president should have absolute immunity from prosecution for any crime committed during their term of office. The Trump lawyers insisted that even the assassination of political enemies would be covered under that blanket immunity. Again, why such violent rhetoric? Why would an honorable man need to assassinate those who disagree with him? The conservative members of the court agreed to legalize political murder, adding only the minor restriction that presidential crimes must be ‘official acts’. And we don't have to speculate about whether Trump judges will find his crimes to be official acts. Judge Aileen Cannon, who had already shown blatant favoritism toward Trump, immediately dismissed his indictment for mishandling classified documents following the SCOTUS ruling. Surprisingly, I find myself unable to cheer for the murder of Donald Trump. As much as I despise him, murder is always wrong. I believe such violent rhetoric only further damages our country and society in general. However, neither can I summon any sympathy for a corrupt and spiteful man who bases his entire political career on violent, hateful, and incendiary rhetoric. It's not a coincidence that a man who advocates violence becomes a target of violence. Karma is a bitch. |
The conservative majority of SCOTUS ruled six to three this week that it is not a crime to bribe government officials. It’s only a crime for the bribe to be paid up front. The case involves a small-town mayor who received a $13,000 gift from a garbage company shortly after awarding them a million-dollar garbage contract. A reasonable person might conclude that a large cash payment following a lucrative contract award indicates that a favor was granted in return for the cash. State and local courts ruled that the payment was in fact a bribe. The Roberts court, however, overturned those rulings. The MAGA majority found that a gift following a favor is merely a gratuity for a job well done. It's definitely not a quid pro quo, merely an understanding between friends that first I need you to do me a favor. Justice Kavanaugh wrote the majority opinion and should have included the infamous quote from Donald Trump's Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney: "It happens all the time . . . get over it." Kavanaugh did acknowledge a few basic rules of etiquette for public corruption. Payment of the bribe must follow completion of the favor and there can be no contractual agreement up front. There can be no incriminating emails with price negotiations, no awkward text exchanges that predate the favor, and no inconvenient witnesses to the agreement. But as long as there is no admissible evidence of prior collusion, then there is total exoneration! A legal basis for bribery is an important point for MAGA to establish in the law, especially for self-serving justices Thomas and Alito, who maintain that accepting gifts from wealthy political donors is not illegal or even unethical. They have both received lavish gifts from wealthy friends but have not always disclosed such gifts. And recent revelations of past gifts are not merely an embarrassing tax liability, corrupt justices could potentially face impeachment. So, overturning the mayor's bribery conviction gives them precedent to avoid their own bribery charges. In his opinion, Kavanaugh described such gifts as gratuities, given in appreciation for a job well done. A reasonable person might conclude that this actually smells like bribery. The Roberts court, however, has agreed with Thomas and Alito that SCOTUS is above any legal or moral requirement to act ethically. Kavanaugh's use of the word gratuity may seem odd, but Donald Trump has recently decided to push a tax break for tips. Could this be a quid pro quo? Trump is granted immunity from criminal prosecution, and in return the justices won't have to pay income tax on their gratuities. It seems that MAGA greed truly has no limit. When I worked in the corporate world, I was required to take yearly ethics training. These presentations emphasized that even the appearance of misconduct was unacceptable. We were told not to pursue a personal friendship with a vendor or a customer. We were told not to accept gifts from vendors or give gifts to customers. Even wearing a ball cap with a logo could be construed as evidence of favoritism. This mandatory training for all employees was put in place after a few high-level executives were found to have acted unethically to secure business contracts and personal perks. It may have been cynical for the bosses to push ethics training on us peons, but at least they acknowledged that ethical behavior should be the norm. President Trump made many grandiose promises for his first day in office. He was going to make dozens of major changes in his first week. He promised to repeal and replace multiple laws that he disagreed with. But what he actually did that first week was to cancel the customary ethics training that had always been given to incoming White House staff. We don’t need no stinking ethics! Little did we know that ‘his’ judges would make this the official motto of the Supreme court. And now this smack-down of ethical behavior has been codified in U. S. law by a Supreme Court ruling. Choices have consequences and bad choices have bad consequences. A corrupt President Trump appointed corrupt judges and those corrupt judges make corrupt rulings. We should all keep that in mind in November. I can’t help but wonder, and hope, that the blatantly unethical behavior of the Roberts court will enable future courts to find reversible error. Not just with this case but with any ruling handed down by SCOTUS since Roberts was appointed Chief Justice. These so-called conservative justices have openly admitted that they take gifts from interested parties. They do not recuse themselves from cases that involve their wealthy patrons. And they have ruled that this is acceptable behavior for government officials at all levels. As far as I’m concerned, a future court can overturn any decision from the Roberts era simply because it has the taint of a Roberts ruling. |
| Reposted from Real Fake News: Vice Guys Double Down by staff reporter D. S. Gustin Co-conspirators, bootlicking toadies, and vice-presidential hopefuls have closed ranks around the ample cheeks of former president Donald Trump. But even a bigly backside can't provide enough lip space to accommodate this race to the bottom. Faithful maganaughts are pushing and shoving each other to gain the spotlight for their professions of unconditional fidelity. There appears to be no bar low enough to shake their faith in the convicted felon. "Donald Trump could revoke my citizenship and I would still vote for him," declared Nikki Hailey. "In fact, he could deport my entire extended family and they would all vote for him, too." "Donald Trump could tie a black man to his bumper and drag him down the national mall and I would still vote for him," promised a smiling Tim Scott. "He could even use the rope we bought for Mike Pence." "Donald Trump could date a 14-year-old girl and I would still vote for him," leered Matt Gaetz. "In fact, I'd drive her across state lines to meet him." "Donald Trump could send me dozens of dick pics and I would still vote for him," gushed Marjorie Taylor Greene. "It's not icky at all, a lot of people like mushrooms." "I feel very comfortable in voting for Donald Trump again," said Susan Collins. "Surely he's learned a lesson from two impeachments, an election loss, two defamation judgments, 91 indictments, and a felony conviction." "Donald Trump could organize a nambla professional wrestling tour and I'd still vote for him," said Jim Jordan. "In fact, I'd sign up for the teen age class myself." "Donald Trump could choose Hannibal Lecter as his running mate and I would still vote for him," said Marco Rubio. "There's nothing in the constitution to prevent a felon or a fiction from holding office, and I'd hope to be invited to the White House for dinner." "I would be proud to join Nikki on the first deportation flight of Donald Trump's second term" boasted Vivek Ramaswamy. "And even from India, I would still vote for him. Non-citizens cast ballots for Trump all the time, believe me!" "Donald Trump could lie about being a felon to purchase an AK-47, outfit it with a bump stock, shoot up my grandson's school, and I would still vote for him," solemnly swore Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito. "He could raw dog a $20 hooker, abort the pregnancy on live TV, eat the fetus with a nice Chianti, and I would still vote for Donald Trump," said Kari Lake." "Donald Trump could post a TikTok video of me cleaning his balls between holes at Mar-a-Lago and I'd still vote for him," cooed Lindsey Graham with a coy smile. “Donald Trump could attack my wife with a hammer, and I would still vote for him,” insisted House Speaker Mike Johnson. "Not only would I vote for him, but I'd use the bloody hammer as my official gavel." "Please, God, let me kneel in Hell with Donald Trump rather than stand in heaven with Joe Biden," prayed televangical Franklin Graham from a street corner in Gomorrah. "And I can still vote for him by mail-in ballot. Dead republicans do that all the time, believe me!" |
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