Gods Of Hyrule: A Onesided Deal

Kiru was starting to think this was a bad idea. Standing before the black shrine under the Lanayru Mountains. It had taken him five hours to climb all the way down to the underground temple to one of the most untrustworthy gods of the pantheon with no actual guarantee he’d be able to make her show up. If he wasn’t desperate he wouldn’t have tried at all. So, walking up to the fifty foot tall, obsidian statue of the Implike goddess, he placed a single Rupoor (A creation of this Goddess, a prank on the greedy that she found particularly funny) on the altar as an offering and waited.

After about 5 minutes of seemingly nothing happening Kiru got...bored to say the least and turned to leave when…

“Leaving so soon?” The Voice echoed through the cavern, massively loud and seemingly from ab-... Oh.

The Goddess had arrived already, the statue of the Trickster, Midna, had simply become the deity itself. Which is...unnerving. The gods walk around Hyrule with little care for the safety of the mortals beneath them often but still being in the presence of a 50 foot tall-wait a minute.

“...Your uh. Your shorter than I imagined”

“Does the Insect want to make a deal or does it want to continue insulting me until I decide to just squish it!” Midna leaned over this mortal, glowering with anger.

“N-no mam its just...well The Great Sage Revaldi is almost 500 feet tall I just assumed he was average for most go-”

“DO NOT!” Midna winced, seemingly suppressing some anger. “Ok. Rule number 1, do not compare me, especially in size, to the other deities. My size is my choice, I simply came smaller to avoid suspicion from the others.”

Kiru had quickly begun groveling as the goddess’s mood turned to anger. “O-of course I should of realized, oh mighty twilight godde-”

“No one likes a kiss up, kid. What do you want?”

“S-sorry.” He sighs “Um...well. You see The Great Sage Revaldi has uh...put a challenge to the king to find someone that can answer all his questions and in exchange the king will be given access to Revaldi’s library of infinite knowledge…”

“And let me guess. The king is offering a huge stack of Rupees to whatever one of you mortals that can pull it off”

“Well...yes. I um, I guess it must seem...insignificant to a divine being like you but I’ve never exactly had a life of comfort and the reward would more or less set me up for life…”

“So...what? You want Rupees?”

“Uh. no that...that seems a silly thing to sell ones soul ov-”

“You're not selling your soul.” Midna corrects, seemingly annoyed by that statement. “You’re just selling me your afterlife in exchange for an improvement to your actual life. I’m not going to suck out your soul or something”

“R-right well. You are the queen of hell and all so I figured it was the-”

“Bug boy, if you were going to hell I wouldn’t make a deal with you. When I get your afterlife, you’re going to belong To ME” Midna says...almost like a warning to the little Hylian at her feet, reaching down to pick him up. “Is that any better than hell? Maybe. I mean, you wouldn’t be in a vat of lava for one thing”

Kiru goes pale as the goddess snatches him up with a devious grin, seemingly giving him a once over. “I...guess that's a comfort but uh. Basically I thought you might… be open to tricking the Great Sage?”

“Heh. You want to cheat that egotistical windbag?” Midna turned the miniscule mortal over in her hand as she looked him over. Not too muscular but not exactly weak either, not bad looking...He’d make a nice addition to her collection. “You know I can’t give you infinite knowledge right? That Revaldi’s thing”

“...Oh. So...is that a no then?”

“I never said that. I’m going to give you a gift. A way to cheat Revaldi’s game. No matter what he asks you, you’ll answer him correctly” She chuckles as she palms this mortal, excited to see this play out. “But when you hit the end of your life, you’re going to be mine. Deal?”

“...At this point I feel like you’d squish me if I tried to back out…”

“Correct”

“...Yeah I’ll take that deal”

A Few Hours later

Revaldi’s Perch was high in the mountains...or rather it was the mountain. In his massive ego the God of all Knowledge had transformed an entire supermountain into a throne fit for one of his “high standing”. Any that wished to speak to him had to overcome a difficult climb to him usually, though during this game of his he had commissioned a simple teleportation spell to allow others to reach him...so when the ragged clothed, not particularly impressive hylian that was Kiru appeared in his lap he was instantly taken aback by the sheer aura of power that the far larger deity carried with him, the literal Knowitall staring down upon him.

“I take it you’re here for the game?”

Kiru had to cover his ears to not go deaf from the deity even speaking. “Y-yes sir”

“Alright, let's get right to it then. What's your name for my records?”

“K-Kiru but as a god of knowledge...didn’t you already know that?”

“I can’t be expected to keep track of all you worms. Now then. Let’s start with something easy. Which god or goddess is responsible for the Gerudo Mountains being ground into the Gerudo Desert”

“Urbosa, her training and pacing over the region ground the hills to sand over seven millenia, but everyone knows that”

“Everyone huh? There's quite the ego on you isn't there? Let’s knock that down a peg” Said the pot calling the kettle black “How many grains of sand are in that desert?”

“1.75 Quadrillion” Kiru responded before he even knew what it meant. Did...did Midna make it impossible for him Not to answer when Revaldi questioned him?

“...Thats...correct.” The bird god squinted down at Kiru. How could a Mortal guess that… “What was the name of the first goddess?”

“Her original name is lost to time but she is now called Hylia.” Kiru gulps. “According to some sources you don’t even know what her original name was but those claims are unsubstantiated”

“And False...but you did answer correctly.” Two for two on things Mortals wouldn’t know. How did the worm find out that wasn’t her original name? He hardly looks a sch-wait...Well, best test it first before throwing accusations around. “What number am I thinking of?”

“5” How could he possibly have known that?

Revaldi frowns, glaring down at the mortal insect… “Which god is helping you cheat me?”

“Midna” Kiru immediately covered his mouth as he answered, going pale. “I-I mean uh..I meant none!”

“Of course it was Midna.” A shadow hovered over Kiru as Revaldi seemed to reach for him. “You mortals, so desperate to win you’d give everything up. You never should have tried to cheat a god, Worm.”

“W-wait I can ex-” And then Revaldi brought his hand down atop the Hylian, and with a sickening squelch the mortal form of Kiru was reduced to a red stain. “Ew. Gonna have to clean that up later…”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Kiru...Kiru was falling. That's the first thing he noticed as he woke up...before landing face first on a cold tile that seemed to go on for miles. Everything was dark and cold…

“Hah! You really showed him didn’t you?”

“M-Midna? W-where are…”

“You're pathetic! Even with an advantage like that, with the literal goddess of trickery helping you cheat you couldn’t pull it off!” A maniacal giggle echoed around Kiru...He looked up and wished he hadn’t. The 300 foot tall form of the busty Imp Goddess was looming above him. Which meant… “W-wait. No this isn’t fair I didn’t get the Rupees!”

“Hey! I said I'd help you cheat not that you’d win Pet” Midna began to reach down, her hand filling Kiru’s entire view. “Don’t worry, its like I told you, you’re not in hell...technically”

“P-Pet?” This is when Kiru realized he was so cold. His clothes had vanished short of a pair of very, very tight shorts. And, around his neck...is that a collar? “I...I’m not a Pet!”

“You sold your afterlife to me, remember? If I wanted I could tell you you’re a toe warmer and that be what you are now” Midna laughed at the clearly shocked and confused mortal as she picked him up. “Your Fate is mine. Your soul is Mine. You. Are. Mine”

All Kiru can do his whimper as he’s held very, very close to the devilish deitie’s mouth, making him all the more worried that she had simply decided that he was to be a snack...only to get pressed against her remarkably soft lips as she gave him a kiss bigger than his entire form.


“Relax, I’ll be a good master.” Midna smiled as she pulled her newest toy away from her mouth after the kiss. “You’re not a thief or a murderer or anything. You’re just a gullible fool who fell for a god’s game. I won’t torture you for that. But it doesn’t change the fact that from now on you're nothing but my pet, alright?”


Kiru can only silently nod, terrified of this Trickster Titan but not willing to say anything to upset her.


“Good boy! You’re learning quickly…” Midna’s grin turns mischievous. “And as a reward, you can share a seat with your mistress for the day Pet.” Without another word she none too gently tossed Kiru onto...what felt like an endless feather pillow to him. Still reeling from being so effortlessly tossed aside, the stunned, recently dead Kiru looked up...to see the plump rear of Midna filling his view. “Be sure to squirm under there, I want a massage~” And with a smack of her mountainous tush, Midna sat down, pinning her new pet between a tush and a soft cushion...